The four reasons people leave the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and how to help them come back.
When it comes to people leaving the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints it is often for one of four main reasons. I want to address the four main reasons, as well as give advice on what we can do to help them come back home.
1st. They slip into inactivity.
The first, and main reason people leave the church, is because they simply slip into inactivity. Because of inconvenience, they fall out of the habit of gospel living. Scripture study, then morning and evening prayers are often the first things to go, and then church attendance soon follows.
Often this slip into inactivity is not the result of a major sin of commission, but rather a collection of sins of omission that they lose the companionship of the Holy Ghost and slowly dull their spiritual sensitivities till they justify sins of commission. Then once sins of commission are committed they feel ashamed that they have done wrong, and Satan tells them the lie that they can't go back and that repentance won't work for them.
Helping those who have slipped come back.
This group is the easiest to rescue, as they feel the void in their lives, but they just don't know how to come back. Often they only need a welcoming friend to invite them to come back, but when they arrive, they need to be welcomed with loving arms and nonjudgemental ward members. They need a friend to guide them, sit next to them, and to minister to them. If the church feels like home, they won't want to leave again. Help them secure their lives and family within the gospel with callings and fellowship. This group does not go less active when they feel wanted and needed within the church.
Dieter F. Uchtdorf
2nd. They take offense.
The second main reason people go less active is that they take offense. Now, everyone is going to be mistreated at some point by a member of the church, sometimes it is because we are human and make mistakes, sometimes it is because that person is just not acting Christlike. Either way, offense will come, but the choice to take offense and be offended is ours.
On my mission a bishop suggest that the mother of an overweight girl start doing something to help her, she took so much offense at this comment that she refused to go back, and the entire family went inactive. I could share dozens of stories, everything from innocent remarks that someone took offense at, to stories where Bishops committed crimes and sins and they blamed the church.
Two years ago I had a member from my mission call me, the Bishop had done something super offensive in their eyes, I gave them my two-step formula to not taking offense. I told them, "No matter the reason for the offense understand these two things: First, the church is true despite the members (replace with, whoever has offended you). Second, don't escort anyone to hell." The second point startled him, I explained that if someone is sinning and doing something wrong there is no need for us to personally escort them with our families to hell to ensure they arrive there. I then told him, "Let him go to hell, you need to worry about keeping your covenants."
Helping those who take offense come back.
The way to overcome offense is simple, the one who offended (and is must be the one who offended) needs to ask them for forgiveness and to come home in humility and love. Even if it was not intentionally given.
When the person giving offense asks forgiveness and invites them to come home in sincerity and humility, and not defensiveness, it invites the spirit of reconciliation needed for the rescue to start. The only thing preventing reconciliation is pride, pride often on the part of the offender, who feels justified. I also recommend this talk as it is the best talk on being offended:
3rd. They take issue with church history.
The third reason people leave the church is far less often than the first two, and it is because of church history. History is not pretty. Church history is no exception. One of the most significant issues we make with history is the fallacy called presentism. What is presentism? Presentism is when we look and judge the past based on our modern cultural understanding and expectations. Everyone in history can be twisted into a villain with presentism.
When it comes to mistakes made by former leaders a great quote comes from President Ballard: "Too many people think Church leaders and members should be perfect or nearly perfect. They forget that the Lord’s grace is sufficient to accomplish His work through mortals. Our leaders have the best intentions, but sometimes we make mistakes...Looking for human weakness in others is rather easy. However, we make a serious mistake by noticing only the human nature of one another and then failing to see God’s hand working through those He has called." M Russell Ballard, Oct 2015, God is at the Helm.
Helping those who take issue with church history come back.
With the first two reasons, it is generally easier to rescue someone, as they still believe the doctrine. But the final two sections are the most dangerous. When someone takes issue with church history or doctrine either they often have been anti'ed and they reject witness and testimonies they already have had and start to demand a sign. If they are no longer willing to walk by faith, all you can do is love them.
If they are still honest with their concerns, then the best quote I ever heard about church history issues actually came from someone who had left the church for doctrinal issues (which I will address in the next section). I will call him Jason (not his real name).
The discussion I was having was with four people; myself, a fully active and believing member; two RM's, who had taken tons of issues with history; and Jason, who had left the church right before he was going to serve a mission:
The two other RMs were complaining about history when Jason called them out and said, "If the doctrine is true, then the history does not matter." They were taken back by his comments, but they then retorted, "But what about blacks and the Priesthood, or the changes with the word of wisdom! Or Polygamy!" To which Jason very firmly replied, "If the plan of salvation is true, then those issues don't matter. And if the plan of salvation is not true, then those issues still don't matter! "
4th. They take issue with doctrine.
Taking issue with the doctrine is the fourth main reason people leave the church. This group, like the third, is far smaller than the first two, but often they are more vocal and want you to think they are a majority. See, when people leave the church because of doctrine they run into a problem, they know too much. They know and still believe too many restored doctrines to go to another church.
See, there are truths that are unique to the restoration that they know to be true; for example, the fact that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the only Christian church that teaches that all men are literal children of God. The Godhead, Eternal Families, etc etc etc.
These unique truths often cause those who leave the church to be disenfranchised with other Christian churches who teach philosophies of man mingled with scripture. When someone knows they are a child of God, and they go to another church that teaches that we are only children by adoption and that we are really spiritual orphans that Christ took pity on, it is hard to go to that church. Because of this, often those who leave the church because of doctrinal issues take one of two courses:
The first course is they go non-religious.
Realizing that all the other churches just lack the fulfillment they just forgo the church aspect of life. The longer this continues the more of the doctrines they forget, and the more doctrines they forget the more likely they are to finally go to another church. I've met members who were born and raised who literally did not remember the basics of the gospel.
The second course is they become antagonists (Anti).
The second option other than going non-religious that members take is apostasy. When they cut out the aspects of their life that are connected with the church, they feel guilt, as they know the truth and are not living it. These members take the truth to be hard, and the only peace the find is by attacking the truth 24/7 trying to convince themselves that their conscience is wrong and that they are not sinning. They become antagonists or Anti-Mormons, they can't simply leave it alone, for they know it is true, in the words of Elder Glenn L. Pace: "You can leave the Church, but you can’t leave it alone. The basic reason for this is simple. Once someone has received a witness of the Spirit and accepted it, he leaves neutral ground. One loses his testimony only by listening to the promptings of the evil one, and Satan’s goal is not complete when a person leaves the Church, but when he comes out in open rebellion against it."
Helping those who take issue with church doctrine come back.
Helping those who take issue with doctrine come back is by far the hardest task that we will face in our call to rescue the lost sheep. Because of the two courses they take, the path to rescue is different.
Those who take the course of going non-religious are often still intellectually honest. With this group, I have personally found that often their issues are less with doctrine and more with culture. Simply separating the two causes them to start soul searching. That is what happened with my friend Jason, by the end of our discussion with my two RM buddies he thanked me and told me he had a lot to think about.
For those who have gone down the path of becoming antagonists to the church, your options are very limited. Love them, pray for them, but don't waste time arguing with them, or trying to convince them. Until they are willing to swallow pride and accept witnesses from the Spirit, rather than signs, they won't change their ways. Simple stand firm in love and truth, and remember the words of Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin: "To those who have strayed because of doctrinal concerns, we cannot apologize for the truth. We cannot deny doctrine given to us by the Lord Himself. On this principle we cannot compromise."
It is about what you DO know.
Those who have apostatized want you to think that hundreds of thousands are leaving the church due to doctrine and history, it is simply not true. For everyone saint who denies witnesses from the Holy Ghost and breaks their covenants, there are dozens of converts who feel and act on the witness of the Holy Ghost to be baptized or come back.
Personally, it took me four years of praying, fasting, and study before I gained a witness that the Book of Mormon was real. But I clung to what I did know, and that was Priesthood blessings were real. Whatever your place on the pathway home, rather than focusing on what you don't know, what you don't understand, or what others have done, ask yourself, am I living according to what I do know? In the words of Elder Holland:
Jeffrey R. Holland
If you liked this article, you will love this one. The most comforting doctrine Joseph Smith taught.
Such a powerful, informative and helpful article. Thank you Brother Goff, for your efforts.
I don't think my reasons fit any of those.
I left because I don't like people pretending they're living the gospel when they don't.
And I hate to see the rich people not helping those below them.
So you were offended by the fact that others were not perfect?
We need to live the gospel to the best of OUR ability. That being said, why would I leave the church because someone else is “faking it”? What if I found out a person in a leadership position was cheating on their spouse, drinking alcohol or something even worse? All I can do is learn by example. Dig my heels in, work hard on my commitment to my Savior, and not judge them but vow to not repeat their mistake. I’m sure I have plenty of my own to sort through. A lot of people call sinners hypocrites. Problem is, those two words are often interchangeable. I am very outspoken and I don’t take any B.S. from people. I pity the nosy Nelly or judgmental Joe that says anything to me. I go to church because I believe. The actions of others have nothing to do with that.
Just as it was written above, you may not like what others are doing or saying, but the doctrine is true. One of our missionaries use to say quite often, "People are not perfect, but the Gospel is." I try to think about that when I hear someone talking about others sins. We need to work on our sins instead of pointing out sins of others.
Completely agree,but God loves and sooner or later those people will face the consequences of their behavior which is opposite to what God wants us to do.
@Aaron Smith, Hey, Brother. That's not a church as a whole issue. The saints in biblical times weren't perfect. I hope you understand that just because you read about saints during those times, who were first hand witnesses of the Lord and His disciples, that there were members who did not live their membership as resolutely as they should. That's going to happen in all ages. Why do you base your testimony on what other members do or don't do? They're trying, too. We already know there are members who are not going to make it it, so why do you put your energy on that? Work out your own salvation, not theirs.
Overall a well thought out article. I take issue with a few of your comments in the first first group of people, however. I have worked with many in this category, fellow ward members, friends, and family. The majority have slipped into inactivity initially through lack of church attendance for a variety of reasons (working Sundays, illness, exhausted parents, a child’s behavior issue at church, inability to attend the time their ward meets, social anxieties...). Most do eventually end up with other sins of omission, but rarely delve into sins of commission in the way you seem to be alluding to. They also often feel loved, wanted, and needed by their wards, but still struggle to return for the same reasons they stopped attending in the first place or because of the additional sins of omission and current lack of the spirit in their lives.
My time as bishop was largely spent working with a significant number of less active members, so this article caught my eye. Our ward had some good success in this effort and saw many hearts softened and many members take steps to come back. And this article would have been very useful in our efforts!
Thanks for posting it!
Wonderful article
It was a deceitful Bishop & St Pres that hurt me, so I just moved & am happy back where I belong. Nobody is worth losing your salvation for. They will have to answer to the Saviour in the end.
I was inactive for a few years after a high risk pregnancy and extreme health issues that left me bedridden. I really like this article only number I want to add to is just the number one. People don't become inactive just because they sin. The sooner that all of us realize that the sooner that will be better at helping bring our Wayward members back into the fold. I ministered to inactive members after returning and what we are missing is not everyone is feeling "guilt" or shame. Just because they've been inactive does not mean they're not good people. I had lots of people open up to me and say that members would pray with them or show them videos (and the same thing happened to me I might add) all with the common theme of helping us to "turn our back on sin" & " go back on the right path "and "work through our doubts "when for most people that's not what it is. If you hadn't been going to church for a long time and then when someone prayed with you or came to visit you and showed you videos with the common theme being shame and guilt, you can repent, you're still loved... does that make you want to turn around and run and jump back into church??? no. The way we bring members who have slipped into inactivity back is by loving them RIGHT WHERE THEY ARE. Invite them to gatherings, invite them to social activties, to lunch etc. They will feel the Spirit and know. Help them to feel that again but dont assume they dont ever feel it. I never felt my Savior leave me. I never felt the holy ghost just leave me. We need to stop assuming and listen to those who have been there.
@Dee Marie, you! You nailed it. This is the way.
agency is a beautiful thing. the most precious of all the gifts our Father in heaven gave us as we left. You are free to choose but do you realize that with each choice there is a consequences.? just as long as you understand that then go ahead and choose.
For the Church to be fully restored it must have all the doctrines, powers, authority, keys and all things necessary to establish the Kingdom once again upon the earth
This includes some hard things to bear such as plural marriage.
Agency is absolutely necessary to further your progress towards exaltation.
Elder Bob
Agreed. I am thankful that polygamy was restored to fulfill the restoration, but that it has now been discontinued because it is no longer needed.
Lol, I wouldn't exist without polygamy (descendant of a fifth wife), so I'm grateful it was restored for a time!
The real key to coming back is to have a loyal, committed support group who don't judge you but help you pick yourself up and then walk the whole way back with you.
I look at the church like a gym. I go to a gym where I see all kinds of people. Some fully embrace the concepts of fitness, from exercise to proper nutrition to avoiding harmful substances to getting enough water and sleep. They become "true believers" in true principles that make their lives better and them apply them.
Some people show up to the gym for social connection. They often talk more than they actually work out and miss out on what they could accomplish if they did the heavy lifting and more fully embraced the true principles of health available. Good for them! There are certainly more negative venues where they might seek that social connection. And, any degree of exercise they do get is better than none.
I'm even actually kind of proud of some of those we might call "gym hypocrites." I know of a really nice woman who comes to the gym on a regular basis. She is seriously overweight, but works out like a champ. As we have talked between sets, she has shared info from articles she has read pertinent to health and fitness. Whether or not she is living them herself fully has no bearing on the validity of the principles. She once made a friendly suggestion regarding a technique I was using. While she might not be able to lift they weight I could, the suggestion was valid and helped me out.
I notice that week after week, the outward indications of her physical fitness don't appear to change much.
I happened to come across her dining out once. Her nutritional choices did not appear consistent with her activity and conversations at the gym. Hypocrite? I don't think so. I think she was a person doing her best. I have no idea what may be going on in her life or what physical or emotional conditions might drive her to the comfort-food choices she makes. But, whatever is going on, she drives herself to the gym and tries to do the good she can do. I'm proud of her for still fighting, even if she may not have reached fitness perfection- yet.
I'm kind of the same. I know true principles of nutrition, health, and fitness- and then I skip a workout or two (or more) and eat things completely inconsistent with what I claim to believe in. Sometimes, it's bad enough that I get down on myself for my "hypocritical ways" and want to give up. But I drag myself back to the gym or go for a run and start to eat better again. I know I'm better off for the effort.
Remember that no one's hypocrisy at church impacts your ability grow spiritually and closer to Christ. In fact, overcoming such challenging things can be just the kind of "heavy lifting" that helps YOU become more Christlike. It's much easier to love the wonderful member who does it all right than the hypocrite who irritates the h@#l out of you. But, Christ calls on you to LEARN to love everybody as he does. Maybe Heavenly Father put that hypocrite on the "weight rack" in your ward specifically so you would have the opportunity to "bulk up" you own spiritual muscle.
I think that whatever someone else is doing at the gym, or outside the gym when they are "in the world", doesn't really impact me, unless I let it. I'm affected by how I use the gym and how well I live by the principles I learn there.
Now think about Hospitals and doctors' offices- if they know so much about health, why are there so many sick people in them?
We can start by being a true friend and do ministering like the Savior did and does. Be a better example in all things and in all ways. Love them.
This post really hit home for me. I have a beautiful daughter who has left the church after being married in the temple. I think it started when her son grew sicker and sicker in spite of prayers and priesthood blessings. She questioned why her son was not getting better. He eventually passed away. During this time she also read articles dealing with church history especially things about Joseph Smith's involvement with young girls.These doubts piled up until she finally threw in the towel on her testimony and declared that she was ashamed to have named her son Hyrum. We are taught that if we bring up a child in the way they should go when they are old they will not depart from it. I sure hope and pray that this is true.
The beginning of your daughter's story reminds me of the latest conference address from President Nelson. Here is a link to it:
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2020/10/46nelson?lang=eng
It is a valuable message in both the example of faith his daughter-in-law had to show, as well as that of our beloved Prophet. Do what you can for your daughter, and remember to "let God prevail" in your life a little more every day.
Seriously no one has the right to bring up someone weight problem. That’s beyond rude and completely uncalled for. If he was asked for his suggestions that’s a different story. Pull the log out of your own eye. Not only will you see clearly, you’ll hopefully focus on your own personality defects. Like being kind, respectful and obedient to God’s will. God’s will it not emotionally hurting another person. It’s mind your own business. Busy body known all… No wonder these people left.
I don't think it's personal offense when you are told over 16 years to continue in your physically, emotionally and spiritual abusive marriage because you needed to love your abusive spouse harder to fix things and get sealed. I didn't realize it at the time but continually listening to every church Bishop I went through tell me the same things could have gotten me killed. No one helped me. They just kept sending me and my children back to get hit and yelled at more and more.
That is wrong. 100% against the Church teachings and doctrines. The Church leaders have been CLEAR that when physical abuse is taking place they are required to report it to the police. I am sorry that local leaders failed to do the right thing.
I’m having a crisis of faith that doesn’t fit any of those. I am frustrated to the breaking point wanting help with things I can not do myself. I need His help. I’m not getting it. I can’t wait any more. I’m ready to die, and am willing to accept the lowest glory. I’m sure it’s more than I deserve. I’m not going to kill myself, because I know what that will do to my children for the rest of their lives. So I keep waiting. I live in misery, sadness, and frustration. I do everything wrong. Don’t believe me? Ask my wife. She’ll tell you. She won’t talk to me though. Unless I did something. Then she tells me what I did wrong. I can’t leave. I can’t afford to live on my own as a disabled man, and she can’t afford the house she wanted by herself either. My whole life is summed up in one word. Stuck. Thanks Jesus for just leaving me to suffer. There’s nothing for me to learn. I’m just supposed to suffer. So I do. Sounds like a great life, huh? I don’t need to go to church because I suffer worse there. Tell me what the plan is to get me back to the faith.
Oh my goodness, I just saw this. Please immediately call 988 the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
After that please call your Bishop/The missionaries if you are not a member and ask them for help too. life is worth living, don't give up!
A lot of people leave the Church because the rules are too strict and are completely impractical for modern life. I can go over to the catholics and suddenly, I've got coffee, wine, nobody hassles about sex before marriage, no need to wear garments, 1 hour weekly committment instead of 3, etc. A lot of people believe as long as you're any type of Christian or belong to any kind of Christian church you'll be fine so after a while it's not even a big deal to leave because you're still involved with some type of Christ worship. Just what I think/have seen.
You are right, if you choose to live a Terrestrial Law, it is easier than a Celestial Law. But it also comes with a Terrestrial Reward instead of Celestial.