How Being Body-Shamed On My Mission Saved My Life.

*Editors note, as someone who has weighed over 300 lbs and has been body-shamed, and also coddled, I am writing this article in hopes of helping both those who are coddled and those who are coddling.

There is an obesity epidemic in the United States, 24% of young adults aged 19-34 are prediabetic, according to a recent study; but our culture has become uber-sensitive to feedback, when someone is overweight you can’t suggest that they do something regarding it; otherwise, you are “body-shaming” them and all body-shaming is bad…Right? Wrong. I want to share my story of going from being morbidly obese to healthy and the role of healthy body-shaming vs. unhealthy body-shaming.

How Being Body-Shamed On My Mission Saved My Life.

Growing up, I was not a chunky kid, but in my early teens, that changed. I started eating to cope with everything happening in my life. Due to my overeating, I entered an escalating spiral. I had few friends, and the kids would make fun of me for being fat or ugly, so I ate more food. I could come up with a million excuses as to why or how I got fat, but what it came down to was that my weight destroyed my self-image, caused depression, which caused me to want to eat more to numb the pain!

It was devastating. But I told myself all the coddling lines people tell themselves, “I am not defined by my weight” and “I am a son of God, and He loves me no matter how much I weigh!” (True statements, but when used to reinforce bad behavior it is not good). I found myself saying I was 6’2″ and 220, but when I went to get a physical to serve a mission, the doctor told me I was on the edge of not being able to go because of my weight. I was not 220, but rather 270, 50 more lbs than I thought I weighed.

But I still did nothing. I still hated how I looked and found comfort in food. The more stressed or depressed I was, the more I ate. It was my coping mechanism. Fast forward through the MTC, and I get to my mission, the Manchester New Hampshire Mission. My trainer turns to me and says, “Do you plan on dying of diabetes?” I was outraged, and I told him I was not that fat. He asked what I weighed, and I told him I did not believe in scales or weighing myself. But that I was 270. He told me I was not 270. So I decided I would step on the scale. 270, 280, 290, 300.. I jumped off the scale in horror as it approached 310. Elder Walker was right. I needed to do something about my weight.

I told Elder Walker that I wanted to lose weight and get healthy. Over the next four transfers, Elder Walker would ‘body-shame’ me whenever I wanted to give up on my goals. He would make comments like “Oh, I thought you were trying to lose weight, did you decide you want to be fat?” Was he nice? No, but he was life-saving. Just like an alcoholic or a drug addict, I needed someone to intervene and be my support person, and Elder Walker was the one to do it. By the end of our time together, I had lost more than 40 lbs and weighed 260. By the end of my mission, I was down to 240, and earlier this year, I reached 205 — my all-time low as an adult.

Body-Shaming and Coddling.

Unhealthy Body-Shaming

Unhealthy body-shaming is not out of love. It is when you make fun of others it is shaming them based on looks, not health. IE the way someone talks, the way their teeth look, the fact they wear glasses, or if they look fat, etc.

This type of body-shaming focuses on that which you can’t control. Because you can’t control it, it is not wholesome; it does not have the intent to inspire or uplift but instead to degrade and pull down. One of the most common un-healthy body-shaming examples are people who call others fat. Focusing on if we look fat is superficial and shallow. I know too many healthy people who think they are “fat” because others shame them for not being a size 0.

Coddling.

I would argue that just as bad as unhealthy body-shaming, if not worse, is coddling. I see this a lot within the church. Obese youth and YSA are coddled by their parents, friends, and leaders. They are told that their weight does not define them, that their body is a temple, or that they are perfect the way they are. Coddling has led to the rise of acceptance of obesity, gluttony, and laziness.

Models who are +++Size are just as dangerous and damaging as those who are anorexic and size 0. Both of them have eating disorders. Both of them are unhealthy. When we coddle overweight youth/YSA’s in the church, we are setting them up for failure in life.

It is not an act of love to lie to someone who is morbidly obese and tell them it is because they are big-boned, or that people in your family are just ‘bigger,’ or any other excuse not to hurt their feelings. Is it an act of love to tell them that their bad use of agency is ok? No! Not only is it not love; it is the opposite of love, it is reinforcing self-destructive behavior, it would be like buying an alcoholic a drink because he is sad. 

Is there the rare case of someone who has a medical disability that removes their ability to maintain a healthy weight? Yes, but those are very few and far between. For most people, obesity is a side effect of overeating (gluttony) and physical laziness.

Healthy Body-Shaming.

Just like an alcoholic or a drug addict, people who are morbidly obese need intervention. Whether you call it healthy Body-shaming or intervention really is semantics. The damage you do to your internal organs by smoking or drinking is universally known, but we often refuse to recognize that visceral fat causes diabetes, organ failure, and cancer. So yes, healthy body-shaming or interventions for being overweight is not only acceptable, but it is an act of love!

Elder Walker did not mince words when he body-shamed me. That is how his family is. (If you ever meet Mama Walker she is a no excuse Southerner who’s mantra is “Tear off the bandaid”). It was simple, I was fat, and so he wanted to know if I was ok with that or if I wanted to change. He wanted to see if I even cared about losing weight. If I did not care, then neither would he; but, if I did care, then he would not support my self-destructive bad habits.

Was he nice? NOPE! But I would argue that his body-shamming was out of love and was healthy body-shaming. Was he shaming me for aspects of my body I had no control over? No, He did not make fun of my receding hairline, or my teeth. He did not make fun of my acne. Instead, he aimed for something that was in my control. He body-shammed my unhealthy habits. But beyond words, his actions showed he loved me. He pushed me to go running every morning. At the start, it would take me the full 30 minutes we were allotted to exercise just to run/walk a single mile. But day after day he would encourage me to run faster, further, and longer (less walking) than the day before. By the end of our companionship, I could run 2 miles in the same 30 minutes.  Because of his actions, my life is different. Now I run 3-4 miles every morning.

Conclusion.

Is the point of this article to go out telling everyone who is overweight to exercise? No, and if you think that you need to reread it. God has given us our bodies. They come in all shapes and sizes. What we do with our bodies DOES matter. And we as family, leaders, and friends need to ensure that we are not engaged in ether unhealthy body-shaming or coddling.

PS The rest of my story.

After my mission, I have progressed and strayed many times, slowly edging my way towards my healthy goal weight. Here are a few rules I live by to be both happy, healthy, and to lose weight.

1. Focus on what you want rather than what you don’t want.
   (IE, don’t set a goal not to be fat, but instead set a health-based goal like running 5k).
2. Don’t eat after 7 PM.
3. Reasonable firsts, half-sized seconds, and never thirds.
4. All food is ok in moderation.
   (IE it is ok to have pizza or dessert, just limit not only the size (see #3) but limit how often (once a week, or once a month).
5. Set goals and reward yourself with things other than food.
   (I set a goal that if I got under 210, I would buy new clothes that fit nicely. Earlier this year I purchased the first medium-sized shirt I had worn in years).
6. Understand that you will never outrun your fork.
   (What is eat and how much is 100x more impactful than any exercise).