Day-to-day Love in a Marriage: A guest post by Caylin LeFevre

A guest post by Caylin LeFevre: Valentine’s Day has come and gone. The roses are wilting and the chocolate has been consumed. Our romantic notions meet normalcy: the overflowing pile of dishes in our sink; the stack of papers on our work-desk. We now wonder how do we foster real lasting love day-to-day? The answer is daily “loving behaviors” and the power of Christ (Carroll, 2019, para. 40). 

We can all recall that giddy, gorgeous, life-stopping phase of falling in love with our spouse. That love we experienced, right at the start, is called “immature love, which primarily emphasizes the emotional dimension” of love and our loving actions are seen as results of our love (Carroll, 2019, para. 36). Before we knew it, we are at the end of an adrenaline-driven all-consuming path that led right to matrimony. We then embarked on our new life with hope and the need to grow into “mature love”, which recognizes that loving actions results in love (Carroll, 2019, para. 36). 

 Jeffery R. Holland said “Love is a fragile thing, and some elements in life can try to break it. Much damage can be done if we are not in tender hands, caring hands.” (Holland, 2000, para. 21). The “Good Shepherd” has such hands (Carrol, 2019, para. 45-46). This shepherd watches day and night over his flock and when the wolves come, he stays. On the other hand, the hireling, who is preoccupied with personal gain, flees (John 10). To be a “Good Shepherd” in our marriage means that protecting and fostering love in our marriage is of more significance to us than our personal gains. It is to have “mature love”, even Christlike-love (Carrol, 2019, para. 45-47). 

Christlike love yields the “loving behaviors” of the “Good Shepherd” which increases feelings of love in a marriage (Carroll, 2019, para. 40, 45-46). 

Christlike-love is explained in Corinthians as “Charity” which:  “suffereth long, and is kind;.. envieth not;… vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth; beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, edureth all things” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).

Charity provides us with “a mature view of love [which] recognizes that we [can] continue to choose to love our partner and to act in loving ways that will foster… feelings of love” (Carroll, 2019, para. 37). 

When it comes to “loving behaviors” and principles, we have plenty guidance from scripture, modern prophets, and science (Carroll, 2019, para. 40). We will consider the following:  building an equal partnership; personal purity; the atonement, communication, adjusting for the season of life, and sacred marital intimacy. 

An Equal Partnership: a principle to guide “loving behaviors”

Equal partnership promotes love by upholding our respect for the individuality of our spouse and the interconnectedness of our marriage. We will first discuss common misconceptions and then look at equal decision-making power.

When understanding what an equal partnership is, it is important to first correct the most common misconceptions regarding the structure of a marriage. Satan cleverly would have us believe that the subjection of women or the superiority of women are the only two options, when in reality they are both oppositions to the true form of marriage: an equal partnership. Elder Richard G. Scott said that the subjection of women “places a man in a role to dominate, control, and regulate all family affairs. That is not the way of the Lord” (Scott, 2008, p. 46). “Latter-day Saint theology teaches that gender difference does not superimpose a hierarchy between men and women: one gender does not have greater eternal possibilities than the other” (Hudson and Miller, 2013, para. 3).  “The husband’s patriarchal duty as one who presides in the home is not to rule over others but to ensure that the marriage and the family prosper” (June, 2012, para. 16). On the other hand, the push for the superiority of women seeks to demolish the uniqueness of gender and make the woman the man. This is destructive as it is in direct opposition to teachings taught in the Proclamation of the Family which says that “gender is an essential characteristic of… eternal identity and purpose” (“The Family,” para. 2). When the structure of a marriage is not based on an equal partnership a battle of power and control ensues which sours a marriage and promotes un-loving behaviors. 

Equal decision-making power is crucial in a marriage as it cultivates respect. “In the plan of happiness, man and woman play equally powerful and equally important roles…., each must hearken to the other.” (Hudson and Miller, 2013, para. 9). In essence, husband and wife are to counsel together “in which they strive to make decisions together in a spirit of unity” (Keyes, 2012, para. 2). “At its core, equal partnership is about embracing interdependence” (Carroll, 2019, para. 49) Randy Keyes taught that this can be achieved when a standard of “Unanimous decision making” and “full participation” is followed (2012, para. 8, 14). When my husband and I were expecting our first baby we executed equal decision-making power when discussing his nutrition. Together we decided that we would first try breastfeeding and if, for some reason, it did not work out that we would use formula. I was assigned learning about breastfeeding whereas my husband would learn all about formula so that he would be able to purchase a good one, if needed. We found that this pre-agreed upon delegation helped significantly. Making important decisions together as equals fosters respect and harmony in the home and this is crucial for feelings of love to abound. See the following articles to learn more:

 1. Randy Keyes: Counseling Together in Marriage: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2012/06/counseling-together-in-marriage?lang=eng

2. Elder Soares: In Partnership with the Lord: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2022/10/25soares?lang=eng

3. Hudson and Miller: Equal Partnership in Marriage: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2013/04/equal-partnership-in-marriage?lang=eng

“Personal Purity”: a principle for “loving behaviors”

Sister Wendy Nelson said “Personal purity is the key to true love. The more pure your thoughts and feelings, your words and actions, the greater your capacity to give and receive true love.” (2017, para. 8). Ultimately this is because “personal purity” makes us more like Christ (Nelson, 2017, para. 8). “Love is not a state of being, it is an actual Being. And that Being is Christ Himself. We, in fact, worship the living, breathing embodiment of love” (Carroll, 2019, para 29). “As I have loved you”- that is how Christ asks us to love” (Caroll, 2019, para. 19). This means that actions, such as scripture study, faith, prayers, and temple attendance increase our Spirituality and connectedness to heaven are ultimate “loving behaviors” from which all over “loving behaviors” can be born (Caroll, 2019, para. 40; Nelson, 2017, para 8-11). When my husband returns home from attending the temple, I can see an increase of light and love within his countenance. He naturally engages in more “loving behaviors” (Carroll, 2019, para. 40). I feel more joy when around him and my feelings of love increase. Truly, discipleship increases our “capacity to give and receive true love” (Nelson, 2017, para. 8). 

The Atonement: the enabler and restorer of “loving behaviors”

If the way to true love is to become like Christ, then “we will need to become more than we naturally are” (Carroll, 2019, para. 29). This can be daunting when we face reality. But “with God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26). Christ enables us act in love and He restores our marriage after repentance.  

Early on in our marriage, I felt the transformative power of Christ’s Atonement. First, I received a prompting that led me to therapy where I was diagnosed with anxiety. Together with my therapist, I realized that my anxiety was manifesting when I started becoming critical of those around me. It was this very behavior that I had been begging God for help overcoming. Therapy and the correct medications helped me manage my anxiety and I saw my marriage improve. This was all possible through Christ who helped me change, helped me adhere to my therapy, and who filled me with righteous intent. I placed myself and my marriage into the true “Good Shepherd’s” hands, even Christ’s hands (John 10). Christ enabled me to become better and engage more in “loving behaviors” through His Atonement and the gift of the Holy Ghost (Carroll, 2019, para. 40). 

Additionally, Christ is the restorer of “loving behaviors” when we repent (Carroll, 2019, para. 40). “Love falls within the scope of our agency. Love is something we do, something we can control, and ultimately something we can choose—if not, God could not command us to love one another” (Carroll, 2019, para. 34; John 13:34). As fallen humans in this dreary world, we are prone to making mistakes and choosing to not love. Holland warned that “surely God will hold [us] accountable for any pain [we] cause [our spouse] by intentionally exploiting or hurting [them]… To impair or impede [them] in any way for [our] gain or vanity or emotional mastery over [them] should disqualify [us] on the spot to be [their spouse]” (2000, para. 24). Surely such behavior belongs to the “hireling” and not “the Good Shephard” (John 10). Holland said “I want to impress upon you the vulnerability and delicacy of your partner’s future as it is placed in your hands for safekeeping” (2000, para. 22). Fortunately, Christ’s promise is “though [our] sins be scarlet, they shall be as white as snow” (Isaiah 1:18). Not only can we be granted forgiveness through Christ, we can be restored to a healthy marriage with “loving behaviors” (Carroll, 2019, para. 40). But it takes work and it takes individual and couple repentance. Moroni pleaded that we “pray unto the Father with all energy of heart, that [we] may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ” (Moroni 7:48). We then work to increase our “personal purity” (Nelson,2017, para. 8). Over time we will begin to reap the rewards of the restoration of “loving behaviors” (Carroll, 2019, para. 40). 

Communication: a “loving behavior”

Positive and constructive communication are safety rails in which a beautiful relationship can blossom. The Bible commands us to be “swift to hear, slow to speak” (James 1:19) and to communicate “that which is good” (Ephesians 4:29). When couples build positive communication patterns, their marriage becomes a safe place where we can reveal our souls. Positive communication is, at its core, verbal charity. 

The first step in increasing positive communication patterns would be to demolish negative communication patterns, or verbal un-loving behaviors. Both the loud bombastic measures used to win arguments and the neglectful cold absence of words are destructive. Likewise callous sarcasm and crude belittlement dramatically decrease the quality of a marriage. Jeffrey R Holland said that “most problems in love and marriage ultimately start with selfishness” (2000, para. 18). This is true of negative communication. Dieter F. Uchtdorf’s wise counsel is very fitting when he said “stop it” (Uchtdorf, 2012, para. 2). Yes, it is that simple. Stop it (Uctdorf, 2012, para. 2). 

Then we can replace these un-loving behaviors with healthy communication, or verbal “loving behaviors” (Carroll, 2019, para. 40). The examples of verbal “loving behaviors” that we will look at will be active listening, assertive communication, and praise and encouragement (Carroll, 2019, para. 40). 

Our first communicative “loving-behavior” is active listening (Carroll, 2019, para. 40). Talking is fundamental in day-to-day living and so being able to actively listen can be transformative. Picture this: the plates are full of food and the highchairs are successfully containing their wigglers. The fatigue of the day has already set in when my husband perks up and starts spouting out self-driving car facts. My natural instinct isn’t interest. But amid the dinner chaos I choose to focus on him. I hear him. I ask questions. I allow myself to be swept up in his interest. This increases his feelings of self-worth. I benefit by understanding him deeper and have a good go-to topic for when that candlelit dinner happens. This promotes feelings of love. There are many other situations in which active listening is useful. See this article to learn more:

1. Casabianca and Tartakovsky: How to Be a Better Listener in Your Relationship: https://psychcentral.com/relationships/listen-better-in-relationships#how-to-listen-better-in-a-relationship

The next communicative “loving-behavior” is assertive communication (Carroll, 2019, para. 40). This healthy communication pattern empowers us to express our needs and opinions in a way that respects those of our spouse (McCabe/How to ADHD, 2019). My husband aced this early on in our courtship. He kindly told me that he understood my challenges with ADHD but that it hurt his feelings when he was unable to complete his sentence when I interrupted him. Using his words, he created a safe environment for us to address our problem because he didn’t attack me. He gave me grace. This “loving behavior” increased our emotional intimacy. “As spouses, we stand on sacred ground with how we respond and react to the shortcomings and imperfections of our spouse, and they in turn to ours. There is something very powerful when spouses are each other’s strongest supporters –…, when they encourage rather than criticize, when they see the best in each other rather than the worst” (Carroll, 2019, para. 53). To learn more about assertive communication and how to start using it, I recommend the following two YouTube videos:

1. McCabe: Why People Pleasing Doesn’t Make You Happy (and What to Do Instead): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BanqlGZSWiI 
2. McCabe: 5 Tips for Making Assertive Communication Easier and More Effective: YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vlwmfiCb-vc

Finally, the ability to praise and encourage our spouse is an especially powerful “loving behavior” (Carroll, 2019, para. 40). Meaningful compliments can increase self-esteem and feelings of love between spouses on a day-to-day basis. It could be as simple as “Wow, you really calmed our toddler down well” as you run out the door for work. Or a quick text saying “I love you” can make your spouse smile. Likewise, encouragement can be deeply meaningful. We all face challenges and knowing that our spouse is paying attention and showing up to support us goes a long way. Praise and encouragement are simple “loving behaviors” that allow us to focus on our spouse and see them in a positive way and this cultivates feelings of love (Carroll, 2019, para. 40).

Adjusting for the Season of life: “loving behaviors”

Life is a gorgeous, difficult, changeable journey. As a result, our “loving behaviors” need to be accommodating and adjusted for the various life stages that we go through (Carroll, 2019, para. 40). Two helpful “loving behaviors” that will buoy our marriage up is load adjustment and seeking realistic sparkles (Carroll, 2019, para. 40). 

Holland likened our marriage to a boat and said that “together we need to monitor the load levels and be helpful in shedding or at least readjusting some cargo if we see our sweetheart is sinking. Then, when the ship of love is stabilized, we can evaluate long-term what can be put off until another time, and what can be put off permanently” (2000, para. 35). Certainly, reaching out a hand to pull up our drowning spouse is a true “loving behavior” (Carroll, 2019, para. 40; Holland, 2000, para. 35). A few months after having our second baby I noticed that my husband was continuously exhausted. We agreed that he would sleep in the office, so that the night feedings would not wake him, for a few nights to recuperate. His transformation back into his energetic self was relieving. We then counseled together to find sustainable solutions for our difficult life stage. During this process of load adjustment, we felt closer and more loved (Holland, 2000, para. 35). 

Sparkles can increase feelings of love between the dates. Sparkles, as I like to call them, are fun pauses in everyday life where spouses reconnect. Dates are important, but during some life stages they aren’t plentiful due to logistics. We need something else to keep us going. Little spontaneous, or even planned, moments where we pause and spend five to ten minutes together can help increase feelings of love. It could be a spontaneous cup of hot cocoa before the baby wakes up. It could even be an appropriate tickle and giggle session with our children were we lock eyes for a split second. It is in these moments when we see our spouse afresh and feelings of gratitude grow. Reconnecting need not be elaborate or even planned as we look for ways to get a little sparkle in. This helps to keep fostering love between dates. 

Sacred Marital Intimacy: a loving behavior

Sister Wendy Nelson pointed out that “marital intimacy is ordained by God. It is commanded and commended by Him because it draws a husband and wife closer together and closer to the Lord!” However, Satan seeks to desecrate holy marital intimacy through lust, promoting self-gratification, and twisting truths about gender. Our apostles and prophets have spoken very clearly against these lies and so I defer to them:

1. Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments: https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/jeffrey-r-holland/souls-symbols-sacraments/
2. Love and Marriage: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/broadcasts/article/worldwide-devotionals/2017/01/love-and-marriage?lang=eng

3. The Eternal Nature and Purpose of Gender: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/the-eternal-family-class-prep-material-2022/lesson-7-class-preparation-material?lang=eng
4. Two Great Commandments: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2019/10/35oaks?lang=ase

Sister Wendy Nelson cautions that “for true marital intimacy, the Holy Ghost needs to be involved. It is simply not possible to have the kind of intimate experiences outside of marriage that you have within because the Spirit will not be present. Elder Parley P. Pratt taught that the Holy Ghost has the ability to increase, enlarge, expand, and purify “all the natural passions and affections.”” (Nelson, 2017, para. 19). In other words, true martial intimacy can transcend a mere physical and emotional experience (Nelson, 2017, para. 19, 21-22). It can be something divine. President Holland gave a breathtaking speech during a BYU devotional where he spoke about the symbolism and holiness of intimacy (1988). He taught us that our bodies and souls are sacred and belong to Christ who has redeemed us (Holland, 1988, para. 44). Marital intimacy is “a symbol of total union: union of [our] hearts, [our] hopes, [our] lives, [our] love, [our] family, [our] future, [our] everything.” (Holland, 1988, para. 44). Holland goes on to talk about the sacredness of procreation. He says that it is a “divine privilege” given from God to participate in the “miraculous and majestic power of transmitting life, the unspeakable, unfathomable, unbroken power of procreation” (Holland, 1988, para. 69). As husband and wife participate in God-given marital intimacy with purity and love, the experience is a symbol of total devotion and union in all areas of love, it is then the accumulation of all “loving behaviors” where the sweetest feelings of love can be born (Carroll, 2019, para. 40; Holland, 1988). 

Our marriages are sacred. In them live our dreams, our hopes, our work, our lives, our souls. Through Christ we are able to enhance our ability to love and we can overcome the challenges that come with marriage. We can repent and start afresh. We can find many ways to increase our love in our day-to-day lives and doing so will make next years Valentines even more special. As we seek to be like “the Good Shepherd” we must also ultimately put our marriage into the hands of Christ, the Savior of our souls and marriage (John 10). 

About the Author: Caylin LeFevre received her Bachelor’s of Neuroscience from BYU. She absolutely adores motherhood and spending time with her two sons and husband. Caylin currently lives in Utah but she grew up in South Africa. 

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References:

• Carroll, J. S. (2019, April, 2). “As I Have Loved You”: Agency-Based Love in Dating and Marriage. BYU Speeches. https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/jason-s-carroll/as-i-have-loved-you/
• Holland, J. R. (1988, January, 12). Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments. BYU Devotional. https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/jeffrey-r-holland/souls-symbols-sacraments/
• Holland, J. R. (2000, February, 15). How Do I Love Thee?. BYU Devotional. https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/jeffrey-r-holland/how-do-i-love-thee/
• Hudson, V. M.; Miller, R. B. (2013 April). Equal Partnership in Marriage. Ensign, April 2013, p. 19-23. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2013/04/equal-partnership-in-marriage?lang=eng
• Keyes, R. (2012, June). Counseling Together in Marriage. Ensign, June 2012, p. 10-12. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2012/06/counseling-together-in-marriage?lang=eng 
• McCabe, J. [How to ADHD]. (2019, May, 9). Why People Pleasing Doesn’t Make People Happy (and What to Do Instead [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BanqlGZSWiI
• McCabe, J. [How to ADHD]. (2019, May, 23). 5 Tips to Make Assertive Communication Easier and More Effective [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vlwmfiCb-vc
• Nelson, W. W. (2017, January, 8). Love and Marriage. BYU Devotional. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/broadcasts/article/worldwide-devotionals/2017/01/love-and-marriage?lang=eng
• Scott, R. G. (2008, November). Honor the Priesthood and Use It Well. Ensign, 46.
• Uctdorf, D. F. (2013, June). Stop it!. Friends, pg. 2. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/friend/2013/06/stop-it?lang=eng