My Personal Struggle With Porn: An Open Letter To My Friends.

2 Samuel 11 and 11 The story of David and Bathsheba. Porn isn’t a new sin. For a man or woman to indulge in it without repentance, can lead to devastating consequences. We as Saints should clear a path in the direction of repentance for our Brothers and Sisters. Treat this sin like a cancerous tumor, and remove it completely before it grows deeper and will eventually kill you spiritually.

I have seen a few articles that speak about porn. I think that referring to pornography as porn it gives it some kudos, which it does not deserve. It's like giving it a nickname or a familiarity. Like you might shorten a friends or colleagues name from Michael to Mike or Mick. Does this resonate with anyone else?

Great letter! "He kills porn!" Best line we never say

I have 3 daughters and have served in many callings with ward young men groups. I feel that finding a marriage partner who has never been exposed to pornography is becoming less and less realistic. I like the approach (somewhat suggested in this post) to seek a partner who is willing to be fully honest about their history and experience with this issue. I coach my daughters to find out the young man's strategy for dealing with it, as well as their experience with repentance and the atonement in general. Not only does this show their ability to handle (what is likely to be) a lifelong temptation, but also reveals their commitment to the gospel and relationship with the Savior. Thanks for writing this post.

I have some very real concerns with some of the premises of this article.

First, let me say, in full disclosure, that I am a gratefully recovering addict to lust.

My first big concern is the concept that porn is THE problem. It's not. It is absolutely A problem, but THE problem is LUST. Lust undergirds porn, masturbation, and so much more. Porn is a symptom, lust is the cause. I have attended many PASG ARP meetings where people talk about the "addiction to porn". Mark my words -- if someone is struggling with porn, that person is objectifying humans and lusting. And simply stopping looking at porn (and presumably stopping masturbating, which often, but not always, accompanies porn consumption) does not turn off the mind. In fact, I've heard people say in these meetings that they've "overcome" the addiction to porn, and are now focusing on overcoming the "smaller" problems like "wandering eyes" (in public). This is a miss. If we are not addressing the underlying issue of lust, then we are priming a time bomb for someone to go back to looking at porn and masturbating, because we have not addressed the cause, we've only addressed the symptom.

My next big concern is the concept that someone has "overcome" the addiction. (I'm assuming here that we're talking about addicts, not just someone that's accidentally run across porn once or twice and closed it down quickly.) I'm currently almost 3 years sober, and the notion of being "recovered" (framing it as a discrete event for which a box can be checked) doesn't really make sense. Yes, I haven't looked at porn or masturbated at all during that time, and yes, I have been cautious not to engage in lust during that time. But am I recovered? Recovery, true recovery, is an ongoing, lifelong process of progressive victory over lust. One day at a time. I believe many in the Church believe that if you have stopped looking at porn for a while (some arbitrary number such as 3 months), then that person is "recovered". And those are good milestones that should be celebrated as milestones, not arrivals. But recovery is not measured by not looking at porn. It's measured by a change of heart and mind.

Now let's be careful -- I'm not talking about receiving forgiveness from the Church or from the Lord, I'm talking about addiction recovery, so we can't conflate the two. But I've met MANY church members who had "recovered" from "looking at porn", who turn back to it after 6 months, a year, 2 years, 5 years, whatever. Why? Because they never dealt with lust, they only dealt with the symptom of looking at porn. And it's because we falsely talk about addiction to porn (probably because that's easy to understand), and not the underlying issue of lust. This is why I cringe when I hear our youth talk about how "she's so hot" or "he's so hot." Physical attraction is good and healthy and part of the Plan, but obsession with physical attributes sets the stage for much bigger problems.

And I worry about the story you include about the young man who told his girlfriend about his "previous" problems with porn. What if he never dealt with the lust but had been white knuckling sobriety to get on his mission and stay on his mission? What if his girlfriend was in tune enough with the Spirit where she knew that he may yet struggle (or be struggling) with lust at that time or in the future. I'm not saying she was right or wrong, but we all live with the consequences of our choices.

So, I completely agree with the concepts in this article about not shaming, and not creating stigmas. And that the Atonement heals. But my point is that the healing of the Atonement comes in multiple phases for recovering addicts -- receiving forgiveness is one step, but not the last step. We, as natural men, want to believe that the healing and purification of the Atonement takes place in one fell swoop and in a relatively short period of time, and then we move on with life. But healing the physical mind, which has been changed by days/months/years of engaging in lust, can take a LONG time -- often a life time. And seeking to shortcut that process can and often does lead to relapse. So let's do our addicted brothers and sisters a couple of favors -- don't shame them, love them. And don't require them to be changed in a blink of an eye. It can happen that way, but generally doesn't, and we need to love them through that process, often for years or a lifetime.