Dating can be one of the hardest experiences one can go through. For some it is short, my older sister was married at 18, and for others it is long, my oldest sister was married at 26. For those who end up staying in the dating phase of life longer than they planned, it becomes one of their greatest trials to endure cheerfully.
It is extremely easy to blame all of your dating problems on the opposite gender, but that leads to nothing but bitterness. Instead, of saying “If only girls did this” or “If only guys did that” each one of us can change dating! We can each take the lead and change dating ourselves! To borrow from the wisdom of Mahatma Gandhi and adapt it let this become our motto, “Be the change that you wish to see in dating.”
Here are six ways we can be the change we wish to see in the dating game!
1st. Ditch the lists.
Almost everyone has a list, some people write them down, others it’s only in their mind. Take a second real quick and write down what’s on your list, what are you looking for in your ideal man/woman?
Is your list good or bad? Whereas there is nothing inherently bad about making a list, most lists are becoming extremely poisonous. An example of a poisonous list is “He needs to make 100k+, he needs to go to BYU, he must be taller than me.” What makes this list bad? It focuses only on the temporal aspects of someone, not the eternal.
You are going to be sealed for eternity, instead of focusing on only the temporal focus on the eternal. Take your list and put an E next to everything that is an eternal attribute or characteristic, then put a T next to everything that is not eternal. Ditch everything that has a T next to it, or at least realize that the temporal things are only added perks. Remember the counsel that the Lord gave Samuel “man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)
“Do not expect perfection in your choice of a mate. Do not be so concerned about his physical appearance and his bank account that you overlook his more important qualities. Of course, he should be attractive to you, and he should be able to financially provide for you. But, does he have a strong testimony? Does he live the principles of the gospel and magnify his priesthood? Is he active in his ward and stake? Does he love home and family, and will he be a faithful husband and a good father? These are qualities that really matter.”
~Ezra Taft Benson
2nd. Decide that God will always be first in your life and your spouse second.
One of the keys to a happy and successful marriage is putting the need of someone in front of your own. It is learning to not be selfish, but to think of others. The needs of your future wife/husband should always come before your needs, their wants before yours, their hopes before yours. With your time actions and money never be selfish. But remember, whereas your spouse should be in front of you, never put them in front of God or His commandments.
Arguably the best dating advice was given to Moses on Mount Sinai, “Thou shalt have no other gods before me.” (Exodus 20:3) Jesus further declared “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart” (Matthew 22:37) Learning to love and obey God is the most important aspect of your future marriage, for your marriage covenant is a three-way covenant with God; as you draw closer to God, you will draw closer to your spouse.
If you don’t value your relationship with God and put Him above all else, nothing else will matter. Marriage is meant to be eternal, but it can only be eternal if we keep our covenants. Broken covenants always lead to heartache. Decide today never to break any covenants, decide to be faithful to God under any circumstance. Therefore finding someone who has the same priorities of, first God, then second, their spouse, is vital to a happy marriage. I once heard it said, “Run as fast towards God as you can and if someone keeps up introduce yourself!” So if you have not found someone yet, then focus on running towards God.
“Believe that your faith has everything to do with your romance, because it does. You separate dating from discipleship at your peril.”
Jeffrey R. Holland.
3rd. Focus on becoming.
Instead of becoming discouraged with dating and falling into the trap of becoming bitter at the opposite gender, focus on becoming. Ask yourself some soul-searching questions like.
“Am I the type of person I would want to marry?”
“Am I the type of person my spouse is looking for?”
“What goals can I set become better?”
Set goals for self-improvement and focus on becoming a man/woman of God. By focusing on becoming you will find less bitterness in waiting. Because instead of ‘just’ waiting you will be growing. So study the scriptures, learn how the Spirit speaks to you, make, keep and honor all of your covenants. Serve others, and build His Kingdom, think about becoming a temple worker even! As you set goals and work towards them, you will find life more enjoyable and the journey easier to walk.
“If you want to marry a wholesome, attractive, honest, happy, hardworking, spiritual person, be that kind of person.”
~Robert D. Hales
4th. Go on dates.
Sister Paige Holland told us something interesting at a Valentine’s Day fireside at UVU last year. She also said, “Go on dates, and if you are not getting asked out, do what you need to do, but go on dates.” She then added, “Don’t be afraid of blind dates!” I echo Sister Holland. Go on dates. If you like someone, ask them on a date. I know, it’s a novel idea but it works! Worst-case scenario they turn you down.
And whereas it is the man’s cultural duty to take the initiative that does not mean ladies can’t ask guys on dates, if there is a ladies choice activity, FHE, or dance then take the opportunity to ask a guy to the activity/FHE/dance! Girls asking guys on dates is actually a good thing as it will develop experience and empathy into what guys go through. From the anxiety of asking, to the excitement of yes, and the defeat of a no. That being said, it is 100% not appropriate for the guy to expect girls to ask them on dates! We must be men and step up the plate and ask the girl on a date. They deserve a guy who is man enough to ask them on a date; and with their own voice, not via text!
Now an important note for the ladies, here is the deal about us guys: We don’t read minds and often we are awful at picking up on hints. Reading hints is like reading texts, 90% of the time we interpret them wrong. So if you like us, and want us to get the message then actually act, say something, do something, make yourself approachable. I can not stress making yourself approachable enough, most guys are already nervous out of their mind and the thought of approaching 5-10 girls to ask only 1 to dance or to date is terrifying. If you make yourself available to talk by not immediately leaving class as soon as the bell rings or not always have a group of friends with you, then you make yourself approachable and increase the likelihood of being asked.
“Don’t text her! Use your own voice to introduce yourself to the righteous daughters of God who are all around you. To actually hear a human voice will shock her—perhaps into saying yes.”
~M. Russell Ballard
5th. Find balance in your life.
When I was a missionary I realized I was not living my life in proper balance. I had let myself go and I no longer felt comfortable in my own body, I weighed over 300 lbs. I actually jumped off the scale when it passed 300 because I was too afraid and ashamed to see what I really weighed. But when I found balance in my life by eating smart, exercising, and focusing on spiritual growth, I started to lose weight. So far I have lost over 85 lbs!
Within our society, we often swing on the extremes. In no other area is this as prominent than physical health. Often we either watch everything we eat or we eat everything in sight. Finding balance in life is vital to dating and preparation for marriage. We cannot neglect the spiritual or the physical aspects of our lives and be healthy, we must find the balance. As a recovering unbalanced person, let me say, if you are physically or spiritually out of shape, then fix it! It is unrealistic for you to seek a spiritually and physically fit companion if you are not physically and spiritually fit yourself. And remember, being fit is not ‘being skinny’, it is being active and healthy.
“Feeding the spirit while neglecting the body, which is a temple, usually leads to spiritual dissonance and lowered self-esteem. If you are out of shape, if you are uncomfortable in your own body and can do something about it, then do it!”
~Elder Jörg Klebingat
6th. Realize the importance of marriage and make time for dating.
Why do we go to college? To get a degree.
Why do we want a degree? To get a job.
Why do we want a job? To earn money.
Why do we want money? To provide for a family.
College, degrees, jobs, and money are means to an end. They are NOT the end.
When we allow ourselves to become so preoccupied with these things that we do not make the time to date we are making the means an end. This will ALWAYS lead to regret. Dating itself is a means to an end, the end of an eternal family. Realize the importance of marriage and make time do dating! Never let your career prevent you from actually achieving the goal of eternal marriage. Always keep things in proper perspective, the most important thing you will do on earth is to find a worthy companion and start an eternal family with. Ask yourself, what matters most? Am I focusing on it?
Always remember that the Lord has His own timetables. Your time for marriage may not bet right now, but continue to date and prepare for marriage. Be engaged in the building the Kingdom. I always say, “build His Kingdom and one day He will build yours.” But never lose sight of your goal, an eternal family.
“the most important single thing that any Latter-day Saint ever does in this world is to marry the right person in the right place by the right authority”
~ Elder Bruce R. McConkie
For more quotes on dating from the Prophets and Apostles see this collection!
For Pinners
Travis
Sunday 26th of December 2021
Men are not immune to mood disorders or rejection sensitivity. And, more importantly, it's not their fault that they have them. They tend to have those conditions from birth. Such conditions naturally hinder their abilities to date (and, of course, do the pursuing). He is no less a man if he struggles to pursue. We wouldn't judge a man in a wheelchair to not be a real man just because he cannot walk, so why does anyone do that to men who suffer mental handicaps that affect how they function? If he does his best to keep the commandments, he is a real man, whether he actively pursues or not. We need to replace judging with empathy and legitimize each barrier that holds us back.
Joseph Shumway
Saturday 8th of August 2020
Good advice
Shirl
Tuesday 31st of July 2018
Many interesting and worthwhile comments here. Would like to add that there is next-to-nothing available in the LDS Church for older singles (65+). Monthly Devotionals are for all interested singles but they are sedentary events where people sit with people they already know, even for the dinner/refreshments afterwards. Ditto for picnics. And I'm told the stake and regional Singles Dances are the same way. A few of us do things on our own, such as trips to art museums and the occasional concert but it's usually just the women who carpool.
Single men our age (65+) and older are (to be overly frank) looking for "a nurse and a purse" (not exactly the same thing as healthy marital intimacy). Many widows spent 30+ years caring for a very sick spouse and would like to live a happier life now, instead of taking on a second spouse who is already ill. Yet if an older woman merely acts in a friendly way toward a younger man, we are suddenly "cougars on the prowl." Even if he has enough class not to immediately run for the hills himself, the gossips shred the older woman. And it's painful, let me tell you!
That said, I personally know a married former bishop who was hit on by a heavy-breathing LDS female in a low-cut blouse while he and his wife were just sitting there taking the $5 ticket money at a dance!! Sisters, please do the rest of us a favor and at least act like a lady!
Lisa
Thursday 27th of July 2017
Thanks, I agree with all of this except that women should ask men on dates. In my experience the men may like this, but they don't necessarily reciprocate afterwards. I believe men are hard-wired to pursue and they really prefer to ask. I do think it's okay for women to say things like, "If you asked me out for pizza, I'd say yes," or "I think you're cute." That can put it squarely in the guy's court, and if he doesn't ask you out after that, well there you have it! He's probably not going to ask you out, and you can save yourself a lot of trouble.
Becky
Monday 24th of April 2017
More activities is not the answer because the activities are there, people just don't show up to them. The next thing people say is, "Well if they only did___, then I would go." really. If you want a specific activity volunteer to be on an activity committee and put your efforts into making the singles better. I have been a stake singles leader in two different places for a total of 7 years and I hear this all the time from people who don't go to anything we put together. They are so ready to whine, but not willing to put in any effort o make the activities better on their own. Why don't you plan your own activities and invite friends to bring new single friends? Have a party where everyone has to set up someone else with a person they consider to be a good match. Step away from the TV and go meet people. Get involved with things that you enjoy and you just might find someone who enjoys doing the same things. Expand your own horizons and try something new and you just might find someone. Most of all, don't give up. There are people out there worth knowing whether you marry them or not. Have you gone a long while without a date? Ask someone you trust for honest feedback, spend time on your knees talking to your Heavenly Father, take stock of yourself and if you honestly don't like what you find CHANGE!