One of the biggest sources of contention within a marriage is a lack of communication. Sometimes the lack of communication is due to someone hiding something, but most often it comes from couples just never talking about the topic openly and thoroughly before they get married.
When I started dating my now fiancée, we started having the courting and marriage discussions. We looked online for some topics to discuss, but quickly we realized that there was not a good list anywhere, especially for Latter-day Saints. So, we decided to create our own list! And because her mother does marriage counseling, we partnered with her to create this list of 16 topics every Latter-day Saint should discuss before they get married.
These 16 topics are the topics that cause the most contention within a marriage when there is miscommunication. The questions under each topic are meant to be used as a springboard to discuss the topic and to help realize both subconscious and conscious expectations. For example, if your wives family always does curry for birthdays, and you don’t know, how will you live up to that expectation?
~Robert D. Hales
Covenants, worthiness, and addictions.
- If we wanted to get married today, would you be worthy to be married in the temple?
- What is your experience/struggle with pornography or other aspects of the law of Chastity? Have you or a loved one struggled with them?
- What addictions do you have, or have you had?
- What events of your past are you afraid/ashamed I will find out about?
- How important to you is making and keeping temple covenants?
- How important is going to the temple together to you? How often do you want to go?
- When do you think it is appropriate to not wear temple garments?
Gospel Living/Home Culture
- Do you tithe on gross or net?
- When do you take tithing out? Each paycheck? End of the month? End of the year?
- What does keeping the Sabbath Day Holy look like to you?
- Do you think you should wear Sunday clothes after church?
- Do you think movies/TV shows are appropriate on Sunday, if so, what genres?
- How important are the daily habits of scripture study and prayer to you? Are you willing to get up earlier to ensure they happen?
- How do you observe the Word of Wisdom?
- Do you think that family home evening is important?
- How does your family observe Fast Sunday?
- Is sarcasm part of your family life? Do you want it to be part of ours?
- Do you want to have family meals together? If so, how many, and which ones?
- Do you want pets?
- What aspects of your families home culture do you love and want to carry over? What aspects do you not want to repeat?
- Do you think it is ok to swear? If so, are you ok if our kids swear? If not, how do you plan on enforcing a double standard?
Money.
- How much debt do you have?
- Have you ever declared bankruptcy? If so, what’s the reason?
- What do you think is worth going in debt for?
- Do you have any savings?
- Do you currently budget?
- What are you planning on doing to ensure our family’s future financial stability?
Entertainment.
- How would you define wholesome entertainment? Do you believe in following that as a goal?
- Do you watch rated R movies? Do you make exceptions to that rule? Would they be allowed in our house?
- How many TV’s do you want in our house, if any, and where would they be located? Bedroom? Living room?
- What are your views on video games?
- What role do you want electronic entertainment playing in our marriage and family?
- How would you like me to express when I feel you use electronics too much?
- What type of music do you listen to? What type of music do we want our children listening to? If there is a different standard, why do you think that is justifiable?
- When it comes to movies, what types of movies make you feel uncomfortable?
Politics.
- How passionate are you about politics?
- What are your views on same-sex marriage?
- What are your views on abortion?
- Where do you get your political ideology?
- Are you ok if we vote differently?
- How would you want to approach a topic that we disagree on?
Grounds For Divorce.
- Are you ok with joking about divorce?
- Are you willing to meet with a therapist if I think we need to?
- What are your grounds for talking about divorce? (My parents both came from double divorce parents, they made the rule that they would not joke or discuss divorce except for abuse/infidelity).
- How would you define cheating/infidelity? Would you consider a pornography addiction infidelity?
In-laws.
- What roles do you see your parents playing in our marriage?
- What roles do you see my parents playing in our marriage?
- If it came down to siding with your family or me, who would you side with?
- Are you willing to leave your parents and cleave unto me?
- Will you stand up in my defense when I feel attacked by our family?
- How do you want me to express when I feel that your family is coming before me/running your life?
Following the Prophet.
- How important is following the prophet?
- Do you have a testimony of the prophet?
- What would you do if the prophet asked you to do something that you disagree with?
- Do you think you are justified in not following the prophet? If so, when?
Wedding Night/Honeymoon/Relations.
- What are your expectations for the wedding night/honeymoon?
- Would you be willing to wait if your spouse did not feel comfortable the first night?
- If you want to have relations, but your spouse does not, what would you do?
- Do you think it is appropriate to ever use marital relations as a weapon? IE withholding from your spouse as punishment, or threatening them with abstinence?
- What are your views on birth control?
- Do you think it is appropriate to talk to others about our intimate life? If so, who are the others you would talk to?
Children.
- How long do you want to wait before you have kids?
- How large of a family do you want?
- In your family, how does the naming of children work? Do you expect the same?
- Do you believe in corporal punishment? (Spanking) If so, how and when should it be administered? At what line do you think it crosses over to abuse?
- What will you do if one of our children comes out as gay?
- Do you want our kids to play sports?
- What role do you want music to play in our kid’s lives? Will we have them learn instruments?
- What are your views on schooling our kids, home, public, or private?
- What role do you see electronics playing in our children’s lives?
Callings/Priesthood Service.
- Do you believe in always accepting callings?
- What callings would be hard for you to accept?
- If I were called into leadership (IE RS/YW/YM/Primary/EQ Presidents Bishop), would you be willing to sustain and support me in my calling?
- When there is an Elders Quorum/Relief Society service project: moving, yard work, funerals, etc, will you sustain and help me go?
- Will you support my efforts to minister to my ministering families/sisters?
Holidays/Birthdays/Special Occasions.
- How does your family celebrate birthdays? How much do they spend on birthdays? What do you like/dislike about how they celebrate birthdays?
- How do you see us celebrating birthdays in our family?
- How does your family celebrate Mother’s Day and Father’s Day? Do they do gifts? What do you like/dislike about how they celebrate those days?
- How do you see us celebrating Mother’s Day and Father’s Day?
- How do your parents celebrate their anniversary? Do you want to emulate their traditions?
- How do you see us celebrating our anniversary?
- How much do you think we should spend on Christmas?
- What role should Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the tooth fairy play in our family? Will we tell our kids they are real?
- How do you see us celebrating Christmas/Easter?
- Do you want to visit your family for any holidays? If so, which ones?
- Which holiday is most important to you, and why?
- What traditions does your family have that you would you like to copy?
- In your family, do you go on vacations?
- Do you want to go on vacations? If so, how important are they to you? How much should they cost? How often do you want to go? Do you need to travel? Or do you prefer staycations?
Sickness/Healthcare/Personal Fitness.
- Growing up, what happened when your mom/dad got sick? Do you expect the same?
- When someone is sick, when do you think you should ask for a Priesthood blessing?
- When do you think that going to see a doctor is justified?
- Do you have any medical (including mental) conditions that I do not know about?
- How will you react if one of us comes down with a serious medical (including mental) condition?
- What are your views on vaccines?
- Are your views of medicine more Western (doctors, hospitals, and medication) or Eastern (meditation, lifestyle, and naturalistic)?
- How important to you is your body image?
- How important is my body image to you?
- What form of regular exercise do you plan on engaging in? (tennis, running, jogging, a gym etc). If you don’t plan on regular exercise, how do you plan on staying healthy?
- What are your thoughts on diets and our family eating habits?
- How will you act/what are your expectations if I get fat?
Love Languages.
- The five love languages are: receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service (devotion) and physical touch. Which love language do you normally express your love with?
- Which love language do you equate with someone loving you?
- Which love language do you find most valuable?
- Which love language do you find least valuable?
- Which love language could I do better at expressing to you?
Division of labor within the family.
- What roles do you see yourself fulfilling in the home? What roles do you see me fulfilling in the home? What roles are left over?
- What are your expectations if your wife stays at home to be a homemaker?
- How will chores be divided?
- Are there certain chores that you do not want to do? (Mowing lawn, cleaning toilets, showering kids etc)
- How will children who need one-on-one time be handled when both parents are home? (IE children being walked in the middle of the night when they wake up with night terrors, bedtime routines).
Work/Life/Education Expectations.
- How important is getting an education to you?
- If I want to finish my degree, will you support me?
- Do you want me to get more education? What does that look like for you?
- Are you willing to work to support our family if the need arises?
- What are your 5, 10, and 15-year plans for work, education, and life?
- If I am ever getting too engrossed with work or education, how do you plan on helping me realize it?
What other topics or questions would you suggest? Post them in the comments below!
Elmer C Jorgensen
Thursday 30th of November 2023
I thought the list was well thought out and appropriate. But I also wonder if sometimes it was too detailed. There are many issues that came up after we got married that I don't think could have come up and been thoroughly discussed before. There were some important issues, we felt, which we hashed through before, but then I had to pray (and so did she) that this was the right step. With the confirmation of that overall question, we have been able to work through some of the details that have shown up after we were married that we never thought we would have to deal with. Example, our first child was born with massive heart defects. We couldn't have foreseen that to even begin to deal with the possibilities before hand, but we were an eternal family and worked through the myriad of questions that arose after she was born. I also noted the question about wearing Sunday clothes all day: After my mission and for many years I always did as it helped me retain the reverence of the Sabbath. But then we moved to our small farm - we have livestock and issues which come up on the Sabbath in spite of our best intentions and actions to avoid them. I can't afford to have my suit cleaned or replaced weekly - from tears and nasty stains I won't describe here. Sometimes the cow gets out on the Sabbath no matter how much time I spend on her coral on Saturday. But I change in to nice clothes, just not a suit and certainly not sweats and a ratty t-shirt. Things change, and not always in a bad way.
Lydia
Wednesday 19th of October 2022
Another thing I would add is what if your child comes out as trans? It isn’t the same as being gay or developing a mental illness.
Tomas Mitchell
Thursday 21st of July 2022
I can tell you aren’t married yet without you stating it. From the stand point of a guy who is now on his third wife I can tell you one major thing you missed that should be discussed. How often do you want sex? I am 57 years old and had a lot of conversations over the years about intimacy in marriage and I can tell you one of the biggest complaints both men and women have is the intimacy isn’t frequent enough. If you are a women and you aren’t having sex with your husband at least once a week, I guarantee you he is not happy and is either pleasuring himself on the side or will start looking elsewhere for intimacy. If you are a man and you are not taking the time to talk to your wife about what she needs in the bedroom and aren’t interested in pleasuring your wife weekly and making sure she really enjoys having sex with you don’t be surprised when she cheats. Women cheat too I have seen it first hand, twice.
Christine
Sunday 31st of October 2021
Don't presume you don't need to discuss these questions. I remember Wendy Nelson, President Russell M Nelsons wife who was a marriage guidance counsellor, saying the first few months of their marriage was difficult because they both had different expectations.
Christine
Sunday 31st of October 2021
Don't agree with something you don't agree with, cause you can't go back later and say you didn't mean it. You need to come to an initial arrangement or decide to allow it.