16 Topics Every Latter-day Saint Couple Should Discuss Before They Get Married.
One of the biggest sources of contention within a marriage is a lack of communication. Sometimes the lack of communication is due to someone hiding something, but most often it comes from couples just never talking about the topic openly and thoroughly before they get married.
When I started dating my now fiancée, we started having the courting and marriage discussions. We looked online for some topics to discuss, but quickly we realized that there was not a good list anywhere, especially for Latter-day Saints. So, we decided to create our own list! And because her mother does marriage counseling, we partnered with her to create this list of 16 topics every Latter-day Saint should discuss before they get married.
These 16 topics are the topics that cause the most contention within a marriage when there is miscommunication. The questions under each topic are meant to be used as a springboard to discuss the topic and to help realize both subconscious and conscious expectations. For example, if your wives family always does curry for birthdays, and you don't know, how will you live up to that expectation?
~Robert D. Hales
Covenants, worthiness, and addictions.
- If we wanted to get married today, would you be worthy to be married in the temple?
- What is your experience/struggle with pornography or other aspects of the law of Chastity? Have you or a loved one struggled with them?
- What addictions do you have, or have you had?
- What events of your past are you afraid/ashamed I will find out about?
- How important to you is making and keeping temple covenants?
- How important is going to the temple together to you? How often do you want to go?
- When do you think it is appropriate to not wear temple garments?
Gospel Living/Home Culture
- Do you tithe on gross or net?
- When do you take tithing out? Each paycheck? End of the month? End of the year?
- What does keeping the Sabbath Day Holy look like to you?
- Do you think you should wear Sunday clothes after church?
- Do you think movies/TV shows are appropriate on Sunday, if so, what genres?
- How important are the daily habits of scripture study and prayer to you? Are you willing to get up earlier to ensure they happen?
- How do you observe the Word of Wisdom?
- Do you think that family home evening is important?
- How does your family observe Fast Sunday?
- Is sarcasm part of your family life? Do you want it to be part of ours?
- Do you want to have family meals together? If so, how many, and which ones?
- Do you want pets?
- What aspects of your families home culture do you love and want to carry over? What aspects do you not want to repeat?
- Do you think it is ok to swear? If so, are you ok if our kids swear? If not, how do you plan on enforcing a double standard?
Money.
- How much debt do you have?
- Have you ever declared bankruptcy? If so, what’s the reason?
- What do you think is worth going in debt for?
- Do you have any savings?
- Do you currently budget?
- What are you planning on doing to ensure our family's future financial stability?
Entertainment.
- How would you define wholesome entertainment? Do you believe in following that as a goal?
- Do you watch rated R movies? Do you make exceptions to that rule? Would they be allowed in our house?
- How many TV's do you want in our house, if any, and where would they be located? Bedroom? Living room?
- What are your views on video games?
- What role do you want electronic entertainment playing in our marriage and family?
- How would you like me to express when I feel you use electronics too much?
- What type of music do you listen to? What type of music do we want our children listening to? If there is a different standard, why do you think that is justifiable?
- When it comes to movies, what types of movies make you feel uncomfortable?
Politics.
- How passionate are you about politics?
- What are your views on same-sex marriage?
- What are your views on abortion?
- Where do you get your political ideology?
- Are you ok if we vote differently?
- How would you want to approach a topic that we disagree on?
Grounds For Divorce.
- Are you ok with joking about divorce?
- Are you willing to meet with a therapist if I think we need to?
- What are your grounds for talking about divorce? (My parents both came from double divorce parents, they made the rule that they would not joke or discuss divorce except for abuse/infidelity).
- How would you define cheating/infidelity? Would you consider a pornography addiction infidelity?
In-laws.
- What roles do you see your parents playing in our marriage?
- What roles do you see my parents playing in our marriage?
- If it came down to siding with your family or me, who would you side with?
- Are you willing to leave your parents and cleave unto me?
- Will you stand up in my defense when I feel attacked by our family?
- How do you want me to express when I feel that your family is coming before me/running your life?
Following the Prophet.
- How important is following the prophet?
- Do you have a testimony of the prophet?
- What would you do if the prophet asked you to do something that you disagree with?
- Do you think you are justified in not following the prophet? If so, when?
Wedding Night/Honeymoon/Relations.
- What are your expectations for the wedding night/honeymoon?
- Would you be willing to wait if your spouse did not feel comfortable the first night?
- If you want to have relations, but your spouse does not, what would you do?
- Do you think it is appropriate to ever use marital relations as a weapon? IE withholding from your spouse as punishment, or threatening them with abstinence?
- What are your views on birth control?
- Do you think it is appropriate to talk to others about our intimate life? If so, who are the others you would talk to?
Children.
- How long do you want to wait before you have kids?
- How large of a family do you want?
- In your family, how does the naming of children work? Do you expect the same?
- Do you believe in corporal punishment? (Spanking) If so, how and when should it be administered? At what line do you think it crosses over to abuse?
- What will you do if one of our children comes out as gay?
- Do you want our kids to play sports?
- What role do you want music to play in our kid's lives? Will we have them learn instruments?
- What are your views on schooling our kids, home, public, or private?
- What role do you see electronics playing in our children's lives?
Callings/Priesthood Service.
- Do you believe in always accepting callings?
- What callings would be hard for you to accept?
- If I were called into leadership (IE RS/YW/YM/Primary/EQ Presidents Bishop), would you be willing to sustain and support me in my calling?
- When there is an Elders Quorum/Relief Society service project: moving, yard work, funerals, etc, will you sustain and help me go?
- Will you support my efforts to minister to my ministering families/sisters?
Holidays/Birthdays/Special Occasions.
- How does your family celebrate birthdays? How much do they spend on birthdays? What do you like/dislike about how they celebrate birthdays?
- How do you see us celebrating birthdays in our family?
- How does your family celebrate Mother's Day and Father's Day? Do they do gifts? What do you like/dislike about how they celebrate those days?
- How do you see us celebrating Mother's Day and Father's Day?
- How do your parents celebrate their anniversary? Do you want to emulate their traditions?
- How do you see us celebrating our anniversary?
- How much do you think we should spend on Christmas?
- What role should Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the tooth fairy play in our family? Will we tell our kids they are real?
- How do you see us celebrating Christmas/Easter?
- Do you want to visit your family for any holidays? If so, which ones?
- Which holiday is most important to you, and why?
- What traditions does your family have that you would you like to copy?
- In your family, do you go on vacations?
- Do you want to go on vacations? If so, how important are they to you? How much should they cost? How often do you want to go? Do you need to travel? Or do you prefer staycations?
Sickness/Healthcare/Personal Fitness.
- Growing up, what happened when your mom/dad got sick? Do you expect the same?
- When someone is sick, when do you think you should ask for a Priesthood blessing?
- When do you think that going to see a doctor is justified?
- Do you have any medical (including mental) conditions that I do not know about?
- How will you react if one of us comes down with a serious medical (including mental) condition?
- What are your views on vaccines?
- Are your views of medicine more Western (doctors, hospitals, and medication) or Eastern (meditation, lifestyle, and naturalistic)?
- How important to you is your body image?
- How important is my body image to you?
- What form of regular exercise do you plan on engaging in? (tennis, running, jogging, a gym etc). If you don't plan on regular exercise, how do you plan on staying healthy?
- What are your thoughts on diets and our family eating habits?
- How will you act/what are your expectations if I get fat?
Love Languages.
- The five love languages are: receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service (devotion) and physical touch. Which love language do you normally express your love with?
- Which love language do you equate with someone loving you?
- Which love language do you find most valuable?
- Which love language do you find least valuable?
- Which love language could I do better at expressing to you?
Division of labor within the family.
- What roles do you see yourself fulfilling in the home? What roles do you see me fulfilling in the home? What roles are left over?
- What are your expectations if your wife stays at home to be a homemaker?
- How will chores be divided?
- Are there certain chores that you do not want to do? (Mowing lawn, cleaning toilets, showering kids etc)
- How will children who need one-on-one time be handled when both parents are home? (IE children being walked in the middle of the night when they wake up with night terrors, bedtime routines).
Work/Life/Education Expectations.
- How important is getting an education to you?
- If I want to finish my degree, will you support me?
- Do you want me to get more education? What does that look like for you?
- Are you willing to work to support our family if the need arises?
- What are your 5, 10, and 15-year plans for work, education, and life?
- If I am ever getting too engrossed with work or education, how do you plan on helping me realize it?
What other topics or questions would you suggest? Post them in the comments below!
Did you answer these question by saying what you really feel or did you say what you think I wanted to hear?
Really feel. Some of these questions started discussions that went on for hours. Some only took 5 minutes.
Thank you for posting! Love this and kept thinking of others (below) as I went.
Covenants, worthiness, and addictions.
>Are there any covenants or doctrine you struggle with (in its concept, not just practice)?
Money
>What would you talk to your husband/wife about before acting in financial decisions? How large, how small, or what type of a purchase would you consider it important to talk about first?
Entertainment
>What role do you want electronic entertainment playing in our marriage and family? What limits would you want in place?
>What kind of entertainment would you pursue or suggest as a family activity?
Politics
>What are your views on immigration and taking in refugees?
In-laws
>After discussing an issue which affects our children over which your mother and I disagree, whose view would you endorse?
Following the Prophet
Wedding Night/Honeymoon/Relations
>>(Mostly just change in wording, replacing all “Relations” with “Sexual Intimacy.” Because of the stigma in the church culture associated with sexual intimacy, people may feel uncomfortable with that wording. However, that is exactly what it is, and it is a beautiful, God-ordained gift when used in accordance with God’s law. By de-stigmatizing the wording, we better enable appropriate, healthy learning and understanding of secual intimacy as God-ordained>>see below questions)
>>If you want to be sexually intimate, but your spouse does not, what would you do?
>>Do you think it is appropriate to ever use marital sexual intimacy as a weapon? IE withholding from your spouse as punishment, or threatening them with abstinence?
Children
>How do you feel about the wife bearing children? Do you have opinions on methods of birth (c-section, natural, medicated, home, etc.)?
>How do you feel about considering adoption? If in favor, what age of kids? Do you have further preference on their background? Adoption in addition to bearing children or in place of?
>How long do you want to wait before you have kids? How long in between kids (how much of an age gap)?
>What will you do if one of our children has depression, anxiety, or other mental illness? Physical illness or disability (including autism)?
>How do you feel about scheduling activities for our children (at different ages)?
>How do you feel about having nannies or other childcare?
>What activities/skills are we as parents responsible for teaching our children (water safety, sports, music, etc.)?
Callings/Priesthood Service
>When there is an Elders Quorum/Relief Society service project: moving, yard work, funerals, etc, will you sustain and help me go? How important are these things, and our participation in them, to you? How often should we go? Similarly, how do you feel about church cleaning?
>How do you feel about serving missions as a couple?
>How do you feel about children serving missions? What expectations do you have? Are those feelings or expectations different for men and women?
>How do you feel about involvement in Devotionals, Seminary, and Institute? Would you enforce these with our children? If so, how?
Holidays/Birthdays/Special Occasions
>(Birthdays, Father’s/Mother’s Day, Anniversaries, other holidays, etc.) How much should you spend for those?
Sickness/Healthcare/Personal Fitness
>How do you feel about Priesthood blessings? Asking for them personally? Others asking? Times, presence of more than one person, should they be suggested or only brought up by the individual receiving it?
>How will you act/what are your expectations if I am overweight (especially in a way damaging to my health)?
>What kinds of diets do you feel are acceptable?
>What do you expect on health for our children, including our involvement in their health habits? If they are overweight, how do we respond?
>If I feel to bring up a change to be made in your health habits/state, how can I best do that in a way that helps you feel as loved and secure in it as possible?
Division of labor within the family.
>What are you expectations if your husband is the primary or sole provider?
>What is the children's involvement in chores? What jobs are appropriate at what ages?
>How do you feel about whether allowance should be given to children? If in favor, under what conditions?
>What expectations should be had for children with chores and work?
Work/Life/Education Expectations.
>Do you believe in paying (in part or in full) for your child’s mission or education? If so, under what conditions?
Humans - we grow and learn and change - what happens if any of our views shift. These are good and many are great questions but I get nervous if you are setting these as a baseline or worse an agreement / contract [dare I say covenant] and thus the spouse is in breach of such if their perspective changes. It can be as innocuous as kids chores, homework, yard, house, cleaning or cooking. POint is please don't make this a ridged contract.
As a Bishop, I find it is also important to ask:
• Do you understand how a man’s/woman’s body works sexually?
• Sexually, what is ok & what is off limits?
David - I'm nearly forty and I've been married nearly 20 years. My kids are approaching adulthood and I am unclear as to what your first question means. "Do you understand how a man's/woman's body works sexually?" Do you mind clarifying what you mean? Like do they understand the complimenting reproductive systems? Or are you asking if they know what turns men/women on? I have no idea how to answer your question, and since you are saying you find that important to ask that as a Bishop I'm wondering what you mean and how to prepare my kids for this issue. Please help. Thanks!
Great article, I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Some thoughts I had were just grammatical issues you should probably fix in your article, namely under the Honeymoon/Wedding night section you said "martial" instead of "marital", under in-laws there you forgot an "in" in "What roles do you see my parents playing our marriage?" and under physical health you included an unnecessary comma in "How important to you, is your body image?"
Also one other detail that seemed unfair and sexist was under the Honeymoon/Wedding night section. I feel like "Would you be willing to wait if your wife did not feel comfortable the first night?" should be changed to "Would you be willing to wait if your spouse did not feel comfortable the first night?". Maybe its more common for a woman in this situation to feel uncomfortable but its not fair to say that only women could possibly uncomfortable on a wedding night.
Great article over all though, lots of points for discussion and talk!
Thanks for the catches!
Great list! Having been married for 45 years now some of this wasn’t around...and we didn’t date long enough to discuss all of this! The world has changed and so has the understanding and culture of living the gospel so these are good things to discuss. We will share with the young adults in our ward.
Very good starting point. The questions should be almost endless. My wife and I stumbled through this process early in our marriage with no real guidance or understanding of what we were doing. Even after almost 3 decades of marriage we are still asking the hard questions and discovering new things about each other. Never stop asking these questions, even if you think you know the answers.
One critical point I would add to your blog. "There isn't necessarily any right or wrong answer to almost all of these questions." They are discussion points to bring out things that will cause potential contention and provide a means to either work through them before they are contentious or to know that it's time to walk away and seek another relationship. Not all engagements will or should result in marriage, and that doesn't mean that one or other of the individuals is bad or wrong. Just may not be the right person for you.
I would strongly add questions about sexual intimacy. Yes this means getting into some details. The more detailed or intimate of these questions probably are best saved for the point you become or are about to become engaged but must be asked. As Sarah stated above, this a problem in many and shouldn't be. We go from "No, No, No! to Go, Go, Go!" and it doesn't work. People need to be able to discuss this as if not the differences can become excuses for infidelity, pornography and divorce. Discussing and working through these and change that and make a good relationship wonderful.
-What do you see is acceptable?
-What acts are acceptable or unacceptable?
-How often do you see us having intercourse?
-What are your feelings about sexual intercourse?
I also recommend reading books together and using them as discussion points. Reading together and taking turns reading and then discussing each chapter as you go.
I highly recommend the following as must reads for engaged couples:
And They Were Not Ashamed, by Laura Brotherson,
The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman,
Personality Plus, by Florence Littauer,
Financial Fitness, by Orrin Woodward
@David Fidler, This is great. However, since 1/2 of the members of the church are still single or divorced or widowed; maybe we need a list for those that may get engaged or married or re-married later in life? For instance, I'm a 55 yr. old sister who can no longer have kids and since going through the "change of life" no longer have any desire to be physically intimate the way a husband and wife would be. If I was to get married, would my husband be alright with that? Things that may have been important or mattered to us when we were younger, no longer do as we get older. Thanks.
I can try to add an addendum section with questions applicable for those who are on their second marriages, or at least one of them will be.
Awesome
Some things my wife and I talked about are (and other ideas) toilet paper over and up or down & under, how do you squeeze the tooth paste, hobies, likes dislikes, car/house maintenance who and how is it done, retirement, spending habits, credit use and knowledge, end of life care & funerals, if we disagree how are we going to resolve it, if i need a compliment or are having a difficult day are you Okay with me asking for one and talking about it, how often should we date after marriage and what does that look like to you? The list is endless...
As I read through this, I realize my answers have changed dramatically over the years. Somewhere in all this questioning, I hope we teach young people that they and their spouse will change as time goes on, and a huge part of this commitment is realizing that you must continue to work and grow together as you grow up and change. All things must be discussed, thoroughly. But please don't hold your future spouse' (or your own) answers over their heads 10 and 20 years from now because you will both be different people down the road, and hopefully that itself is a beautiful thing.
Also, please realize that a porn addiction and viewing porn are very different. Don't automatically label someone who has viewed porn as an addict.
"Would you consider a pornography addiction infidelity?" Most would say yes. But most who seek out and view porn aren't porn addicts. A better question that would be more relevant in most marriages would be "Do you consider seeking out and viewing porn as infidelity?"
Great article, Jeremy! I am passing it on to my son and his girlfriend.
I don't know if I missed it, but another topic is who manages the money? Husband, wife, both? What about time alone or with other friends, how much is too much? What about favorite activities the other doesn't care for? Do you do them together, or does one person do what they like by themselves? Who gets to run the TV remote? Do you keep the same bedtime schedule? If one person works, does the other person still help with housework? Who does the main jobs such as cooking and dishes? What happens if the main breadwinner loses their job? Do they get a menial job or just take unemployment, or both? Does the other spouse take on a job, or another job (stay-at-home spouse vs. working spouse)? Will the wife take on the husband's name? Hyphenate? Keep their own names? So many questions to discuss, and as was mentioned, you can be talking about them even 30+ years later. The main cause of unhappiness is having unmet expectations. Discussing expectations ahead of time can prevent this.
Expected lifestyle is a very important topic. The stay-at-home mother who wants a brand new car every three to five years is going to have a problem with the man who wants to buy a used car and keep it running for 10 to 15 years. The person who thinks a cheap motel is good enough will conflict with the person who wants luxury accommodations.
Future savings is a topic needs to be discussed. My ex thought any money in savings was me stiffing her shopping habit, causing endless conflict.
Great list! Thank you!
For those who are on their second marriages and have kids, I would add:
How will we blend families?
What time do you expect to spend with your children vs. my children?
What happens when a child wants a loan?
How will discipline be administered?
Any other thoughts?
Don't agree with something you don't agree with, cause you can't go back later and say you didn't mean it. You need to come to an initial arrangement or decide to allow it.
Don't presume you don't need to discuss these questions. I remember Wendy Nelson, President Russell M Nelsons wife who was a marriage guidance counsellor, saying the first few months of their marriage was difficult because they both had different expectations.
I can tell you aren’t married yet without you stating it. From the stand point of a guy who is now on his third wife I can tell you one major thing you missed that should be discussed. How often do you want sex? I am 57 years old and had a lot of conversations over the years about intimacy in marriage and I can tell you one of the biggest complaints both men and women have is the intimacy isn’t frequent enough. If you are a women and you aren’t having sex with your husband at least once a week, I guarantee you he is not happy and is either pleasuring himself on the side or will start looking elsewhere for intimacy. If you are a man and you are not taking the time to talk to your wife about what she needs in the bedroom and aren’t interested in pleasuring your wife weekly and making sure she really enjoys having sex with you don’t be surprised when she cheats. Women cheat too I have seen it first hand, twice.
Another thing I would add is what if your child comes out as trans? It isn’t the same as being gay or developing a mental illness.
I thought the list was well thought out and appropriate. But I also wonder if sometimes it was too detailed. There are many issues that came up after we got married that I don't think could have come up and been thoroughly discussed before.
There were some important issues, we felt, which we hashed through before, but then I had to pray (and so did she) that this was the right step. With the confirmation of that overall question, we have been able to work through some of the details that have shown up after we were married that we never thought we would have to deal with. Example, our first child was born with massive heart defects. We couldn't have foreseen that to even begin to deal with the possibilities before hand, but we were an eternal family and worked through the myriad of questions that arose after she was born.
I also noted the question about wearing Sunday clothes all day: After my mission and for many years I always did as it helped me retain the reverence of the Sabbath. But then we moved to our small farm - we have livestock and issues which come up on the Sabbath in spite of our best intentions and actions to avoid them. I can't afford to have my suit cleaned or replaced weekly - from tears and nasty stains I won't describe here. Sometimes the cow gets out on the Sabbath no matter how much time I spend on her coral on Saturday. But I change in to nice clothes, just not a suit and certainly not sweats and a ratty t-shirt. Things change, and not always in a bad way.