Breaking News from Salt Lake City: After reading many Facebook comments and the change.org petition calling for a relaxation of the commandments, the Prophet told God that He needs to change the Church so it is more relaxed and culturally woke when it comes to the commandments to better align with the world. God’s reply was swift and a press release has been drafted and is ready for release:
Salt Lake City.
“Effective immediately, all members who do not wish to be valiant in their testimonies and covenants can enjoy a relaxed version of the gospel law where they do not need to keep the ‘hard’ commandments. They are no longer expected to follow the Prophet when they disagree with him, they only need to keep the Word of Wisdom if it is convenient, and as far as Chastity goes, the rule being adopted is, ‘love is love’ a modern take on ‘Eat, drink, and be merry.”Members also are no longer expected to keep other burdensome commandments like praying, and reading the scriptures, ministering to those in need, or accepting callings that they don’t like, or forgiving people who hurt them. And tithing is being completely abolished.
In accordance with these announcements, members are reminded that Havenly Father actually foresaw these requests and accounted for them in His plan, two Kingdoms of Heaven have been established for people who would rather not live the fullness of the Gospel, they are called the Terrestrial and the Telestial Kingdoms.
For those who are striving, struggling, and desiring to live the fullness of the gospel relying on Christ’s grace, the fullness of Exaltation and Eternal Life in the Celestial Kingdom are still available.”
The responses to the changes were mixed, “I want to live the carnal life and get the celestial reward! This is not fair, doesn’t God love me enough?” one comment on the Church’s Youtube video said. “I love this, I get to keep my vices, I don’t have to put off the natural man, and all I have to exchange is exaltation and eternal life!” Said one user on the Facebook announcement. “This is great, don’t want to live the Word of Wisdom or the Law of Chastity? Don’t worry, there is a kingdom for that!” Replied one twitter user.
If you have not noticed by now, this is satire. The point was to illustrate that the notion that we should just adjust or remove the commandments to make living them is as ludicrous as this satire is. The other point was to show that we all have commandments that are hard for us to keep one man’s struggle is another man’s no brainer. So don’t judge. If it made you laugh, please reshare, if it offended you, feel free to also reshare with a trigger warning.
If you liked this satire, you might enjoy these other pieces I’ve written:
Special Sunday Night Session Of General Conference Announced!
And: The Church is Revising Family Proclamation!
Jerri Hubbert
Friday 14th of January 2022
Proves what I always thought, HE definitely has a great sense of humor!
Dean Kelley
Monday 6th of April 2020
Read your " official statement." Checked the date and found it to be four days too late for the obvious reason. (5th v. 1st) Excellent satire, Just enough "officialese" to sound believable, then the actual" message sinks in. Good job. Thank you
lisa
Wednesday 1st of April 2020
What got me is when it said the prophet told God. If that was true, I could never believe that. No man can tell God what to do.
Jeremy
Friday 3rd of April 2020
That is the point of satire, to make cultural comments. Too many people think that the Prophet just does what he wants. Jesus Christ is the head of the Church.