10 tips to be better disciples and love our LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters.

If you don’t have a family member, friend, or coworker who experiences same-sex attraction it is only a matter of time before you do. One of the biggest challenges many Latter-day Saints are facing is the question of what to do when someone you love comes out to you? This post is to help those Saints who want to know what the gospel tells them to do. So here are 10 tips on how to be a better disciple and love our LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters.

1st. Love them as Jesus loves.

Jesus Christ taught, “A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you.”—John 13:34 Notice, He did NOT say, “Love them the way they want to be loved” or “Love them the way you want to love” but instead he commanded us to love others AS HE has loved us. This is important because often people will say, “If you love me then do XY or Z,” but that is not what we are commanded to do. On the flip side, often some of the cruelest actions are done by people claiming to be motivated by love. Rather than focusing on how others want to be loved, or how you want to love, we must strive to love them as Jesus loves. In all things ask yourself, what would Jesus do?

Regarding loving others correctly, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland recently at BYU stated: “We have to be careful that love and empathy do not get interpreted as condoning and advocacy, or that orthodoxy and loyalty to principle not be interpreted as unkindness or disloyalty to people. As near as I can tell, Christ never once withheld His love from anyone, but He also never once said to anyone, ‘Because I love you, you are exempt from keeping my commandments.’ We are tasked with trying to strike that same sensitive, demanding balance in our lives.” (bold and italics added).

For more on striking the balance of love see the following article: The Lie About Loving the LGBTQ+ Community That Many Latter-day Saints Are Believing

2nd. Pray for them to come to a knowledge of the truth.

Do not underestimate the power of prayer! Every parent and friend should cling to the story of Alma the Younger. Particularly, in Mosiah 27:14 is where we read the root reason behind Alma the Younger having an angel appear to him: “Behold, the Lord hath heard the prayers of his people, and also the prayers of his servant, Alma, who is thy father; for he has prayed with much faith concerning thee that thou mightest be brought to the knowledge of the truth; therefore, for this purpose have I come to convince thee of the power and authority of God, that the prayers of his servants might be answered according to their faith.” This should be the prayer of every parent, friend, sibling, and loved one: “Please help them find the truth, and please help me understand my role in that journey.”

3rd. Teach your children who they really are and that sexuality does not define them.

This is the most important point I will make today. It is VITAL that the primary characteristic we identify by is that we are a child of God! The world wants to define us by anything other than the divinity of our creation! When we identify ourselves or others by sexuality, “I am gay” or “I am straight” we are handing Satan a great victory. Why? Because in a war, and no doubt we are in a war, communication is vital to survival. The Bible Dictionary has the following entry about prayer: “As soon as we learn the true relationship in which we stand toward God (namely, God is our Father, and we are His children), then at once prayer becomes natural and instinctive on our part (Matt. 7:7–11). Many of the so-called difficulties about prayer arise from forgetting this relationship.”

If Satan can get us to forget who we are, then he cuts the lines of communication, aka our desire to pray! Now, do you see why if we give this ground up we lose the entire battle? When Satan gets us to move from “I am a child of God who experiences same-sex attraction” to “I am gay,” then suddenly we lose the desire to pray! Then being ‘authentic to ourselves’ means breaking the Law of Chastity. It also means when the Prophet or the Apostles repeat the Law of Chastity, it is no longer decrying an action but decrying them as a person and therefore it is ‘hateful.’ This truth is unpopular but vital, and that’s why Elder David A. Bednar said, “There are no homosexual members of the Church. We are not defined by sexual attraction. We are not defined by sexual behavior. We are sons and daughters of God” For Satan to move his plan forward, we must identify ourselves and others by anything other than our status as a child of God.

If you do not teach this to your kids, that first and foremost they are a child of God, then Satan via public schools, peers, social media, and other channels will teach our kids that they are only their sexual desire. You can’t prepare the road for your child, you’ve gotta prepare your child for the road. Satan loves it when Latter-day Saint parents leave sex education primarily or mainly up to the schools. For within the gospel context of who we really are, sexual passions can be bridled as Alama instructed his son in Alma 31:12.

4th. Don’t cut them off.

When many who experience LGBTQ+ feelings come out to their family or friends, they are afraid of getting cut off from their family. In some cases, parents kick kids out from homes, or siblings refuse to even acknowledge that they exist. From Matthew 25:31-46, we learn that the dividing factor at the last day between the righteous sheep and the wicked goats that are cast-off is how they treated the poor, afflicted, homeless, and those in need. How can we think that by cutting off a brother, child, or sibling and therefore creating someone who is afflicted, homeless, or in need, we will escape being cast off as a goat at the final judgment?

Speaking of those who experience LGBTQ+ feelings, in the October 2000 General Conference, President Boyd K. Packer stated: “We do not reject you, only immoral behavior. We cannot reject you, for you are the sons and daughters of God. We will not reject you, because we love you” The desire to cast out is based not on love but on judgment, a judgment we are not qualified to make according to John 8:7. That being said, it is important to also remember the words of Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, “love for a family member does not extend to condoning unrighteous behavior. Your children are welcome to stay in your home, of course, but you have every right to exclude from your dwelling any behavior that offends the Spirit of the Lord.”

5th. Understand that same-sex attraction is NOT a sin; breaking the Law of Chasity is!

Same-sex attraction is not a sin. Elder M. Russell Ballard taught that “attraction itself is not a sin.” Here is the key I can not stress enough: Sin is not how you feel, or what you are attracted to, sin is violating the Law of Chastity. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland taught that: “The First Presidency has stated, ‘There is a distinction between immoral thoughts and feelings and participating in either immoral heterosexual or any homosexual behavior.’ If you do not act on temptations, you have not transgressed.” Regardless of our attractions, we are commanded to keep the Law of Chasity.

6th Don’t ever give up hope.

Don’t ever give up hope. This point can be broken down into two halves. First, If you experience LGBTQ+ feelings, don’t give up hope for your place in the gospel. The same message is applicable for people who have had family, friends, or loved ones who have left the gospel in pursuit of the LGBTQ+ lifestyle.

Regarding those who experience LGBTQ+ feelings. YOUR LIFE IS WORTH LIVING! You are a child of God. You are loved. And you would be sorely missed if you gave up the will to live. I urge you to hold to the promises! Just like the majority of members who don’t have the ideal family, cling to the promises that all will be made right! Elder Jeffrey R. Holland taught, “For various reasons, marriage and children are not immediately available to all… perhaps there is no present attraction to the opposite gender. Whatever the reason, God’s richest blessings will eventually be available to all of His children if they are clean and faithful.” There is a place for you in the kingdom and Church. Come as you are, but don’t expect to stay as you are! And don’t think you need to be perfect before you come to the great hospital that is the Church.

Regarding those who have had loved ones stray from the gospel path in pursuit of the LGBTQ+ lifestyle, don’t give up hope either! The story of the prodigal son should be your hope and prayer. The power of righteously keeping temple covenants will evoke the powers of Heaven! Like in the case of Alma the Younger and the prodigal son! Orsen F. Whitney taught:

“The Prophet Joseph Smith declared—and he never taught a more comforting doctrine—that the eternal sealings of faithful parents and the divine promises made to them for valiant service in the Cause of Truth, would save not only themselves, but likewise their posterity. Though some of the sheep may wander, the eye of the Shepherd is upon them, and sooner or later they will feel the tentacles of Divine Providence reaching out after them and drawing them back to the fold. Either in this life or the life to come, they will return. They will have to pay their debt to justice; they will suffer for their sins; and may tread a thorny path; but if it leads them at last, like the penitent Prodigal, to a loving and forgiving father’s heart and home, the painful experience will not have been in vain. Pray for your careless and disobedient children; hold on to them with your faith. Hope on, trust on, till you see the salvation of God.”

Orson F. Whitney, in Conference Report, Apr. 1929, p. 110.

For an in-depth dive into this doctrine see the following article: The Most Comforting Doctrine Joseph Smith Taught.

7th. Be an Ally.

Because of point #1, everyone who experiences LGBTQ+ feelings should be able to count on a Latter-day Saint to be an ally. But it is important to define what I mean by ally. When I use the word ally, I am not saying you need to march in pride parades, nor am I saying you need to plant a rainbow flag in your front yard. I have done neither. When I use the word “ally,” I am using the Merriam-Webster dictionaries definition: “one that is associated with another as a helper: a person or group that provides assistance and support in an ongoing effort, activity, or struggle”

I recently attended an education week lecture by Becky Borden (Click here for a brief synopsis) who gave another description of being an ally that I now add to the Merriam-Webster definition. She described the concept of being a fellow-journeyer. She explained that in a marathon, there are those who hand out water, fruit, other food, or simply cheer and encourage people. Sometimes they want a drink/food, sometimes they don’t. But you are always there offering it, and they always know you are there. As someone who runs a lot, I loved this analogy. There have been races where the water stations have been manned by missionaries and I desperately needed the water they had to offer to finish my race. I love the symbolism behind that.

8th. Don’t stop sharing the gospel.

One mistake I see people making is avoiding the gospel around friends who experience LGBTQ+ feelings because they are either afraid it will offend them or they forget Doctrine and Covenants 88:81. Either way, it is a mistake to stop teaching the truth. Teaching true doctrine is one of the most powerful tools in helping people to come to a knowledge of the truth. President Boyd K. Packer in the October 1986 General Conference taught: “True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior… That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel.” Consider this message I got regarding this topic:

Important to note! Sharing the gospel and preaching at someone is not the same thing!! Don’t avoid the opportunities to testify, but don’t go around preaching at them and condemning them. Remember that, whereas doctrine is key, the Spirit is the teacher. In Doctrine and Covenants 42:14 the Lord commands us to only teach if we have the Spirit. Weaponizing the scriptures to attack someone is not how we help them!

9th. Include them.

Becky Borden at education week also stressed this point: there is no influence without access. Unless we not only refrain from exclusion but also actively engage in inclusion, we won’t have access to minister and serve our brothers and sisters who experience LGBTQ+ feelings. Becky also shared the reason she came back to the Church. She came to the realization that her sister’s home had something hers lacked: the Spirit. If we don’t cut them off, but we don’t invite them in either, how will they feel the Spirit in our homes? This is true with everyone. How can we expect to minister and show love unless we let others in?

10th. Don’t use negatitive descriptions.

Once again, referencing the Education Week talk by Becky Borden, something she pointed out that is super offensive is using negative terms to refer to the LGBTQ experience. Saying “They have same-sex attraction” makes it sound like an STD or a disease. My mother-in-law has cancer. My friend has mono. But she also pointed out that saying, “They suffer/struggle from same-sex attraction” is not accurate either as many of them are not suffering. Her suggestion was to use the phrase “experiences same-sex attraction” as it conveys the message without the connotations.

The Church has an amazing resource center called Life Help. It has amazing sections about Transgenderism as well as Same-sex attraction (formerly a website called Mormons and gays). But the Life Help section has a lot of great topics in it! (To access Life Help through the gospel library app find it near the bottom of the main page).