This article on being a Stay-at-Home Mom is written by my wife, Emily Goff. I hope you enjoy her thoughts on motherhood and finding joy along the journey! ~ Jeremy Goff aka Gogo Goff.
When I was younger, parents seemed proud when their daughters answered the question of What do you want to be when you grow up? with, “a mom!” It showed those children understood that, beyond any career, raising a family was the most important work they could do.
Now those same children are adults, many of them parents. But the tone has shifted. Some highlight their careers with pride, while others sheepishly admit they’re “just a stay-at-home mom.” I’ve caught myself thinking that way too.
I remember how accomplished I felt telling people I was applying to BYU’s Speech-Language Pathology and Audiology Program. Their impressed reactions made me feel smart and successful, even though I’d barely started. Later, when I switched to Family Studies, the response was very different—usually a flat “oh, that’s cool” or “my sister did that.” I often felt the need to add that I planned to pursue a master’s in marriage and family therapy, as if I had to prove I wasn’t in school just for a “Mrs. Degree.”
The Need to Re-enthrone Motherhood.
Somewhere along the way from my childhood to where we are today, we started treating motherhood not as a divine calling, but as a side job, something secondary to a “real” career. Its status has quietly eroded. Kids that say they just want to be a mother when they grow up are now seen as misguided or naive, and that they will know better once they’ve grown up. But why? As David O. McKay taught, “The noblest calling in the world is motherhood. True motherhood is the most beautiful of all arts, the greatest of all professions. She who can paint a masterpiece, or who can write a book that will influence millions, deserves the admiration and plaudits of mankind; but she who rears successfully a family of healthy, beautiful sons and daughters, whose immortal souls will exert an influence throughout the ages long after paintings shall have faded, and books and statues shall have decayed or have been destroyed, deserves the highest honor that man can give, and the choicest blessings of God” (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: David O. McKay, Chapter 16: The Noble Calling of Parents).
With the truths taught by President McKay clearly laid out, it is important to remember that, despite how vital Motherhood is, it is also hard, messy, filled with menial tasks, and exhausting. Being a stay-at-home mom isn’t an easy thing to do (especially if you experience depression), but it is worth it! I have found these 5 things have helped me navigate the craziness as I strive to become the homemaker and mother that I want to be.
1. Create Routines.
Your children need routines. YOU need them. And I’m not just talking about getting them into school as early as you can. I’m talking about scripture study in the mornings. Library on Fridays. Park with a friend on Wednesdays. Movie nights on Thursdays. Gym on Mondays and Saturdays. Reading a book to your kids before bed every night. Every day should have some things you and your kids are scheduled to do, even if it is staying home and doing a particular thing. One of the reasons why people like to have a job is because it provides structure; they know what to do and when to do it. People thrive with structure, but with motherhood and homemaking, you have the job of making your own structure. It’s harder to do when there is no particular way it needs to be done, but that’s the wonderful thing about it! You get to decide what works best for your needs and those of your family. Over time, your schedule can become tailored to the individual needs of everyone involved.
2. Remember, Just Because You Aren’t “Working,” Doesn’t Mean You Aren’t Working!
You have flexibility that is seen as a luxury in today’s society, but you aren’t meant to live your life in leisure. It’s quite the opposite. Not only do you need to work, you need to first FIND that work to do. Find that Mom friend who is pregnant and watch her kids for the afternoon. Find the family in your neighborhood that is sick and bring them a meal or run an errand for them. Find that person who is struggling and invite them over to talk! These aren’t always things that your kids can be involved in, but they are watching you. They will remember what you chose to do with your “extra free time.” What a powerful way to teach them charity and compassion. What a powerful way to be a homemaker!
Most of the time, your work does involve your kids. It may seem that most of that work is pretty straightforward, but there are so many subtle needs your kids have/will have that you will only notice if you have the time and energy to look for them. When your kids are younger, they will cry when they have an unmet need, but as they grow up, those needs are harder to find and fill. Having opportunities to observe them in their activities (sports, recitals, plays, with friends at your home) can help you recognize some of these needs. Picking your kids up from school and talking to them about their day may not seem like a big deal, but as someone who had that growing up, I know it can make a huge difference. Whenever something good or hard happened, I would think about telling it to my mom. Even when she wasn’t around, her positive influence was felt and kept me out of a lot of trouble. I wouldn’t want to do anything she wouldn’t approve of because the idea of keeping a secret like that from her on those drives when I normally tell her everything seemed impossible, so I just wouldn’t do it! I am so grateful that my mom knew that I had an unseen need for her time and attention every day as we drove home from school. And, just as a reminder, the menial work is 100% important too!
3. Actively Teach Your Children How to Be a Successful Adult.
School won’t teach them everything they need to know! There is so much more that is left out of their graduation requirements. Teach your children how to bake, fold the laundry, make a meal plan, and grocery shop. Teach them how to follow through on promises, serve others, and have patience with themselves while learning a new skill. When they are doing real life beside you, they are learning too. A child who is taught how to budget in college will be better off than one who wasn’t, but a child who was taught how to budget, utilize savings, and shop in a way that gets them more for their dollar as a child will never be a victim of their circumstances. They are under your tutelage for such a short time; make sure you give them every opportunity to be successful!
You don’t have to be a homeschooling mom to play an active role in your child’s education, but if you choose to send your children to public school, make sure you understand what they are being taught and then unteach/correct things that they are learning at school that are wrong. It takes just as much effort to properly do public school as it does to homeschool, but with public schooling, it is very easy to slip into complacency because you don’t see the effects of it right away. But it is VITAL that you do this. President Spencer W. Kimball compared the work we do with our kids outside of school hours as “repairing “mending damaged reservoirs (of faith).” He taught:
One day, long ago, we crossed a boundary into a distant city where walls and curtains separated people; and behind the walls, strange ideologies were taught and “pernicious doctrines” promulgated every day in the schools and otherwise. Every day the children listened to schoolteachers with foreign and strange doctrines, philosophies, and ideals.
Someone said that “constant dripping will wear away the hardest stone.” This I knew, so I asked about the children: “Do they retain their faith? Are they not overcome by the constant pressure of their teachers? How can you be sure they will not leave you and the simple faith in God?”
The answer was unmistakable. “We mend the damaged reservoir every night,” they said. “We teach our children positive righteousness so that the false philosophies do not take hold, and should any have taken lodgment in the day, we dislodge them at night. Our children are growing up in faith and righteousness in spite of the overwhelming pressures from outside.”
Spencer W. Kimball: “Spiritual Reservoirs” – Oct. 1969
4. Check Your Self-Care.
This may sound like an odd one, but I can’t think of anyone who is thriving in motherhood when they feel like a depressed hobo. I recently recognized that Fridays were the hardest days for me. I felt very unmotivated, tired, grumpy, depressed, and directionless. I would get less things done around my home, and I didn’t show up for my kids the way I wanted to. I realized I would exercise and then wash my hair on Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday, which would have me refreshed every other day, with the exception of Friday. By that third day, I would feel depleted, dirty, and undesirable. Those feelings about myself affected how I interacted with others, my energy levels, and my overall outlook on my life. Once I realized this, I was able to change my routines to make sure I felt good and was then able to do more good. Make sure you are eating often enough (and drinking enough water!!) that you aren’t ever starving and in a brain fog when you have others that need your attention and energy. There have been too many days when I have left the house, having gotten my kids fed, but didn’t make the time to get any food for myself. At that point, a frozen burrito is self-care and healthier than eating nothing!
Similarly, if you go to bed feeling hopeless and consistently dread going to bed because that means morning is coming, that is a sign that you are doing too much on your own. You need more help from your husband, your friends, or extended family to make sure you are getting the breaks that you need to flourish. Being a mom is a demanding task, and no one can sprint a marathon. My husband and I decided it was worth paying for the daycare at the gym so I wasn’t using precious naptime hours to work out. We also planned evenings where I could get together with my sisters and visit for a few hours (often Jeremy would be home putting kids to bed and then often cleaning the house while I was gone). I never loved the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child,” because the one raising that child should be the parents, but I really do love the idea of, “It takes a village to support a mom raising a child.” For you to show up the way you want to for your kids, you need to learn how to accept and ask for help.
Most likely, you have a loving husband who wants you to be happy and who wants to help you. Don’t be frustrated if he does not instinctively do things you want him to do; it is not a sign that he is unwilling to do things. Most guys simply need you to communicate what you want and/or need. You will most likely need to directly ask him for help! Most men have managers who are direct with their expectations, and the ones who are not are often referred to as bad bosses. Knowing what you need/want isn’t something he just naturally knows, so you need to learn to ask for help, even if you think he should ‘just know’ what to do. You won’t be perfect at this right away, and neither will he! But learning how to communicate your needs directly and clearly is key to your self-care and a lasting relationship. As President Nelson has taught, “Each couple must constantly cultivate the art of communication.” (emphasis added).
Another import aspect of self-care is carving out time to develop your talents. From music to baking, to artwork, it is important to continually develop the talents God has given you, as well as to seek the talents that you desire. Even just 10-15 minutes to play the piano can rejuvenate you far more than an hour or two of ‘relaxing’ on your phone or TV ever will. I have found when I am really burning out, I can ask my husband, “Can you take the kids on a short walk so I can play piano?” This signals I need some me time, and in a few short minutes I am more ready to take on life again.
5th. Spiritually Reconnecting with God is a Non-Negotiable
One of the most important duties mothers and fathers have is to teach their children about God and to help them come to know Him. I used to feel like I was doing enough gospel-y things to ensure I had a strong testimony and that we lived the gospel in my home, but what about my children’s testimonies? What about when they are no longer in my home? My mother pointed out a tendency for people to want at least one less kid than there was in the family they were raised in. I think just as the desire for large families can wane generation to generation, our commitment to the gospel also tends to wane with each generation. That is, unless you change that trend with you! And you cannot do this if your relationship with Him is on the back burner. Yes, what I am doing might be enough for me, but my kids aren’t seeing those moments of gospel study, or the prayers I say morning, night, and throughout the day. We need to be overt with the gospel on a new level so our kids can see without a doubt that we live, love, and really believe this gospel. The nice part is, as you do more to strengthen your faith, it makes the hard moments of life easier, too! Win-win. You will be lifted in your life and blessed for each moment you consecrate to God. It is a relationship that I cannot live without, and most certainly wouldn’t be able to show up for my kids the way I would like to without.
What this looks like for you will be unique to you, as well as your current circumstances. I had great, uninterrupted scripture reading when I had a newborn because I could nurse and read from my phone at night. Now, I can use a physical copy of my scriptures and mark them, but it is the first thing in the morning and often accompanied by a kid who decided to get up earlier that day. Studying out of physical scriptures is a great way to teach your children that you love the gospel. They see you searching God’s word instead of just reading something on your phone, and they will see that physical reminder throughout the day. Listening to general conference talks is another great resource. Start to saturate your life with the gospel so it is easy for your children to know how much you love it. Teaching moments will increase in both frequency and impact.
Reconnecting with the Lord daily is especially important if you have a spouse or child who has stepped away from full activity in the church. You are likely their only connection to God at this moment, and your influence is a constant reminder and pull to the peace the gospel brings. They might not take it right away, but let that pull be as strong as it can be. Just remember it is never too late–or too early–to be that influence in their life. Start where you are today.
Conclusion: Being a Homemaker and Mother is Worth the Work!
All moms love their children. I just wish the media would also show moms loving being moms. “Just moms.” I’m definitely not perfect at it. In my opinion, it takes more effort to be a successful stay-at-home mom than it does to be a successful working mom, because you have to have discipline. You have to create the schedule/routines, you have to find the work, and you have to decide on the projects worth pursuing. But that is also why it is so beautiful! Because every single thing can be for an ultimate good. It can have a lasting purpose. As President Hinckley has taught: “Women who make a house a home make a far greater contribution to society than those who command large armies or stand at the head of impressive corporations. Who can put a price tag on the influence a mother has on her children, a grandmother on her posterity, or aunts and sisters on their extended family?” (As quoted by L. Tom Perry, GC: Oct. 2014)
I love being a mom. Every day is so full of little things. By the end of the day, I have no idea what we spent all our time doing, but lots of it was full of smiles, serving others, and showing my children how much I love them (you know, among the butt wiping, negotiating, and tantrums, because it isn’t all perfect). I love being a full-time homemaker. My heart hurts for those who want to stay home but have to work, but even more so for those who can stay home but want to work because being “just a mom” doesn’t feel like enough. In closing, I want to echo the words of Elder Glenn L. Pace on the role of motherhood:
“Sisters, I testify that when you stand in front of your heavenly parents in those royal courts on high and you look into Her eyes and behold Her countenance, any question you ever had about the role of women in the kingdom will evaporate into the rich celestial air, because at that moment you will see standing directly in front of you, your divine nature and destiny.”
~Elder Glenn L. Pace
March 6th, 2010, BYU Devotional, see Church News, March 9th, 2010.
If you liked this article on being a Stay-at-Home Mom from my wife, you might like one of these other articles she has written!
