BREAKING NEWS out of Salt Lake City as Russell M. Nelson, the President and Prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced that the Family Proclamation is undergoing massive revisions after multiple members complained that it hurt their feelings. The move comes after harsh criticism on Social Media caused God to rethink the entire Plan of Salvation. “I know that the Family Proclamation is based on eternal truths of the Plan of Salvation, but I don’t like that it condemns people’s choices, what about their agency?” One person posted on Twitter. Another post on Facebook read, “I am just being my authentic self, how could God ask me not to be true to the natural man? What does he want me to do, put off the natural man?? No, a God who loves me would not ask me to do that, my professors said he would not.”
A change.org petition went viral after Karen Needy shared it on her X, formerly known as Twitter, handle @IWantYourManager demanding that God change the plan of Salvation and the Family Proclamation. The petition states “I am pretty sure it is illegal that God keeps calling everything I want to do ‘sin’ He needs to be more tolerant of alternative lifestyle choices, who does he think he is defining terms like gender or marriage?? It is really systemic ethnocentrism for God to tell us how to live.” Karen’s X, formerly known as tweet, went viral and the change.org petition gathered over 666,666 signatures in just a few hours. Reacting to the media blowback God announced that the Plan of Salvation and Family Proclamation was being reviewed by Heaven’s “Sin and Tolerance” committee. The Babylon Gazette obtained a rough draft of the new proclamation that is simply entitled “The Proclamation” it shows plans to remove anything that could be offensive to people who are not living the commandments, the rough draft of the new proclamation is much shorter and reads: “Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die; and it shall be well with us.” Although rumor has it a disclaimer might be added **nevertheless, fear God—he will justify in committing a little sin; yea, lie a little, take the advantage of one because of his words, dig a pit for thy neighbor; there is no harm in this; and do all these things, for tomorrow we die; and if it so be that we are guilty, God will beat us with a few stripes, and at last we shall be saved in the kingdom of God.*
Reactions to the rough draft were very positive, “I love the new Proclamation, it allows me to not worry about things like commandments or eternal truths.” A comment on the Babylon Gazette read. “Now this is a proclamation I can get behind. Can I get a big AMEN and AWOMEN?!” Said a prominent leader of the Ordain Women movement. “I personally don’t think the changes go far enough. Why does it not address social injustices in the proclamation!?! Nothing about climate justice, or the massive inequity in the prior plan? I’m calling for glory reparations for the sons of perdition!” @LuciferSonOfTheMorning tweeted.
If you can’t tell by now this is satire, if you laughed feel free to share it. If you were triggered then I might recommend reading 1 Nephi 16:3. If you enjoyed this, I would like to invite you to like my Facebook page. You might also like The Church Updates Zoom Polices, Now Offering Zoom Ordinances!
And The Church adjusts Word of Wisdom and other Commandments.
Elmer C. Jorgensen
Sunday 11th of July 2021
I recognized it right of as being satire. But the satire was well written and clever. Sadly enough there are too many (any is too many and we have too many) who would champion such changes.
Elfreda Van Allen
Saturday 1st of April 2023
@Elmer C. Jorgensen, I did not see it until it was explained as satire. It was not funny, either. I think a lot of the saints will be offended by this " satire" Freda
Paul SIlotti
Saturday 1st of April 2023
@Elmer C. Jorgensen,
Amen brother.