Dear Young Single Adults: Marriage Won't Fix You.
Marriage is Ordained of God.
The importance of marriage and family are one of the core tenets of the Church of Jesus Christ in every age; and in the Latter-days, it is no different. You need to look no further than the first paragraph of The Family: A Proclamation to the World to see how important it is: "We, the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children."
The command to "marry the right person in the right place at the right time" has oft been repeated by prophets and apostles. Everyone is commanded to pursue the goal of temple marriage. And if we are worthy we will receive all the blessings of marriage and family. President Hunter taught, “No blessing, including that of eternal marriage and an eternal family, will be denied to any worthy individual. While it may take somewhat longer—perhaps even beyond this mortal life—for some to achieve this blessing, it will not be denied.”
Marriage Won't Fix You.
Whereas marriage is of God, our culture pushes the dangerous notion that not only do we need to get married, but we need to be married now. And above that, it tells us that marriage will fix all of our problems. Our culture says: “Do you struggle with mental illness? Marriage will fix that. Are you addicted to pornography? Marriage will fix those desires. Anger, struggling with a testimony, or same-gender attraction? Marriage can fix those too! And if a marriage does not fix you, then have kids! Because adding kids to the mix will fix your problems.”
This mentality is dangerous for many reasons. One of them is because it causes single people to despair their singleness. They feel like their life is broken and only marriage can fix it. Our culture also correlates personal worth with marital status causing a bitterness for 'single life' and dating that causes many people to leave the church. Ezra Taft Benson addressed the fact we fixate upon our marital status when he taught, "Life does not begin only upon marriage. There are important things for you to do right now."
It is vital to understand that marriage does not fix things! Ideally, your spouse will become a true help-meet; someone who loves, supports, and inspires you. But it is important to remember that marriage amplifies our current trajectory. Your spouse can not save or change you, nor can you change or save them. If we are on the right path then marriage will accelerate our journey, but if we are not doing what is right marriage will not magically fix our problems, and it will never fix our sins. Your spouse is not God and marriage is not a silver bullet for sin, weakness, or mental illness. And surely if a marriage does not fix us then neither will having kids.
One of the most common examples of our cultures ‘marriage can fix that’ mentality is the scores of men who think that as soon as they get married somehow a magic wand will be waived and their addiction to pornography will go away. But I can testify from the broken marriages of my friends, pornography does not get fixed when you get married, it becomes worse. I have seen countless marriages shattered because they were built on an unsure foundation. A foundation of "I can change them" or "They will change me."
Jesus Fixes Us, Not Marriage.
I often have single friends that turn to me for counsel and guidance. And the most common advice I give? “Square yourself with Jesus. You so desperately want a relationship and marriage that you fail to realize what you need is Christ.” It is through coming unto Christ that we change. It is through His atonement and enabling grace that sin is overcome, desires are elevated, motives are refined, and our weakness can become strong. It is the power of Jesus Christ, not marriage, that 'fixes' and saves us.
But it is not coming into Christ for your parents, spouse, or kids. It is coming unto Christ for your relationship with Him. Often your family will motivate you to become a better person. Where that is a good start, all lasting change comes when we have the desire to come closer to God. That desire can't come from family alone, it must come as we yearn to have a relationship with God. Although the righteous influence of family can stoke that desire. That is why the prophet has taught us that "In God’s eternal plan, salvation is an individual matter; exaltation is a family matter." ~ Russell M. Nelson
This is an amazing article! I’ve been wanting someone from the church to say this for a long time. I love the emphasis on having a relationship with the Savior rather than listening to the pressures of other people. When it’s time, it’s time and when it’s not, it’s not. Don’t force it just because it’s something you “should” do. I’ve seen too many marriages and families broken apart because they followed a checklist rather than addressing hang ups first. Other marriages end up ok, but marriage definitely didn’t fix things, only amplified and added to those issues, requiring extra work, extra people, and so much stress that could have been avoided had they received help before bringing someone else into their everyday life.
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Wonderful words of truth... and encouragement. I sent this article to my RM son up at school who recently broke off an engagement... What an amazing gift of words this is. Thank you again...
Thank you .........
I feel like people rush into getting married. Because they want the title or all there friends are getting married and what that entails too.
The part about having a relationship with Christ should be the focus of all members. However, I don't like married members giving me their advice since most have not had to pass most of their life alone.
I am not married. I am single.
Hi, As a happily married couple with 65 years of married life behind.us, we encourage all single young adults to seriously "come right" with Christ BEFORE considering marriage. And to those
Couples struggling with what may seem insurmountable problems, we
Say the same, COME RIGHT with CHRIST -- WE KNOW because HE fixed ours when we CAME TO HIM.
I’m a 61 year old single guy and I loved this article.
Thanks
This sounds like my YSA experience! What do you tell people, like me, who lived through it? I look back and see a trail of destruction, divorce, inactivity etc.
I completely agree...although the last quote doesn’t support your argument, it just confirms exactly why this is such a problem—marriage won’t save you but you can’t be exalted without being married? So you can’t be saved in the highest glory of God if you’re not married? Marriage won’t fix you but you can’t be saved without it. The last quote disproves what you’re TRYING to say and proves why our culture exiles single people. According to that quote, You are worth less and less accepted by God when you are single.
The reason I added the quote was in case people had the notion marriage was not vital to remind them it must be part of their goal, but they can be alive and a good disciple even if they are single.
Temple Marriage is not a race that we should always rushed in, it is a commandment that needs preparation not just financial but most of a spiritual preparation. I'm happy to read this message it reminds me of how my marriage relationship should always focus on the Savior.
I love this so much. Thank you for sharing
THIS is an article I can get behind!!! I don't think it's the culture that pushes us though... I think it's us as individuals who aren't taking ownership for our lives. Rather than living right now, "prepar[ing] as if for years," we are expecting other people and other external factors to be the solution to our problems. "Marriage and kids seems happy, so therefore it must be where all our problems go away..." seems to be what my friends think, ESPECIALLY during the horrible plague of social media.
We need to realize that happiness comes from US. It's not just the Savior - it's US COMING TO THE SAVIOR. It's within that process that we experience the truest form of joy. In addition, God's plan is centered on our ability to choose, to really have a mortal experience and LIVE our lives! If we are not actively living our lives, but instead sitting back and waiting for our lives to be lived for us, we aren't going to be happy.
Satan's plan was for all our problems to be worked out for us. God's plan is for us to work through our problems and come our stronger on the other side.
Especially with the problems that come up in marriage. 😉
I disagree. Culture does have an influence on how a person feels about themselves. If I wasn't a member of the church, I would not be worried about marriage at 21.
I agree with this article. but I rememeber the message of my Stake President, He said "Do you know why you counsel to get marry right away? It is because you are one of the candidate of the opponents.
From my point of view it really depends to the motives, desire we have. Because there are RM's or members whose striving to stay on the track and trying their best to follow christ but still they have their weaknesses. but What I want to emphasize here is that If we want to come closer to the savior we have to step in in this step by having the desire to follow christ not for own selfishness.
Thank you for the explanation, I had many questions about some concepts that are taught in church. Thank you for that Holy Ghost moment. This is where the world is not aware of the divinity of the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ.
I think a major reason there is such a push in our culture to get married quickly has to do with the concept that marriage is the highest ordinance we undertake and that it opens the door for exaltation. This is hard because every other covenant is solely between me and the lord and it's my decision alone but marriage involves another person and their decisions. The way that I think of it is that you don't need marriage to be happy; if you make all the right decisions, then you can find peace and joy in this life and, as it was said in this article, not even an eternal marriage will be denied in the hereafter.
All that said, i still feel some anxiety about it. As a single man I often think about how different my life might be if I were married. Are there experiences that we are meant to have in this life that can only had through marriage and starting a family? That goes for both the happy and difficult experiences because I believe that true joy comes from appreciating the good times and the bad times. I may find happiness without marriage, but I have to believe that there is a next level of happiness that comes through marriage and having children of my own.
I understand the point of this article though and I will add that I don't believe that that "next level" would be found if we decide to marry before we are ready for it or if we are seeking to be married for the wrong reasons. I understand that it would only exacerbate any problems that we already have.
All decisions in life bring consequences, depends of whats your idea of marriage , will fix your life or destroy your dreams of marriage, since we work together while dating respect each other and leave all desires after marriage. Working together with God and as a center and with the firm conviction that we will be together for the eternity, been faithful to each other and serve together that will fix your life, leave selfish thoughts on the side and make your partner happy will change every possible hard situation in marriage....but if your idea is just get married, continue pleasing your selfishness and be unfaithful just because society say "everybody have the right to do anything they want , obviously your marriage will not fix anything
If you really learn what the gospel have to teach you, you will know and will be thankful for the idea of pushing ...Nephy had a clear idea not just because the spirit told him to kill, but because his knowledge and gospel understand goes beyond our understanding....so do your best, stip been selfish love your wife and your husband...so tell me ...Why our ancestors got married young and live together for 60 or more years, whats the difference??? Church teachings?? Of course not , just because they really understood the rule of "one wife one husband, and love each other no matter what
In the bigger, divine plan of your life, everything was planned in detail in the pre-earth life, including if, who and when we will marry. Marriage has an eternal divine meaning and purpose, and will occur in our lives, if it is meant to be, and when it is meant to be. Example in my own life. Married in the Temple at age 22, Divorce and Temple cancellation at age 42. She then married in Temple as second wife in Temple sealing. Seven years single with relationships - only one meant to be. Remarried at 49 to someone previously, and still married in the Temple. Her first husband later died, and she passed away recently still Temple married to first husband, and not to me. Dating Catholic widow, and we both feel we were divinely meant to be together at this time, but distance and problems delay plans to marry, and if and when we marry it will be a civil union. At age 80, unknown if I will ever have opportunity for Temple marriage in this life..Each life has its individual life plan and path, and there is great Divine meaning and purpose behind all of our relationships, and we only understand the surface, and so we must trust in the Lord with all our hearts, and he will direct our paths, and help us understand and cope with the very limited perceptions of our life as our life unfolds, as it is meant to be, if, and with whom, and when it is meant to be Be at peace in this matter. Flow with your life as it unfolds, for all your worry and anxiety will not change the circumstances (and persons) that are meant to be in your life. Love, Gary Dennis
I really needed this, I have been thinking about this for sometimes, so many people have been pushing me to get married but the truth of the matter is I am scared, I need to fix my relationship with the Savior first before I can commit to be faithful to someone else. Thank you so much.
am so grateful knowing this .
Yes, Jesus Christ is the only Way, the Complete Truth, and the Eternal Life.
Great article, and much needed, Jeremy. At the current time, our ward single adult membership is at 63%. There are relationship myths that are held to by people, both men and women, that promote unrealistic expectations that can never be acheived. Many of these are promoted relentlessly by romantic movies and novels. Why? Because they sell. When people enter into a relationship based on these myths and unrealistic expecations, they are doomed for failure. Until people realize this and correct their mindset, they will go from one relationship to another. Sadly, and stubbornly, they will never turn loose of these myths and will make everyone around them miserable and the relationship will end.
Thank you for reposting this older article. How about writing an updated opinion piece on church culture and the true purpose of singles wards? Only recently were singles FINALLY acknowledged over the pulpit in general conference yet the needs of childless singles in the church continue to be ignored. I feel strongly that like the mission age, the YSA age needs to be lowered. Say 27. Ask any childless single in this age range how a singles ward blesses their life and they will tell you they are DONE with YSA wards yet don't feel comfortable attending a family ward where there is are no support groups for a member in this life situation. A BYU YSA bishop with hundreds of singles to keep track of decided to call more than one RS and EQ presisident to help retain and minister to all the singles. Why could the family wards and stakes not do that for the growing number of singles in the church? It sucks to be single and childless in the church especially when a member has reached a " certain age" it drove me away and only a few years ago did I finally decide to come back and make myself get involved in a family ward instead I'd a mid singles ward. I feel strongly that President hinckley words regarding new converts can be applied to all the childless singles in the church who feel they don't fit in or belong: a friend, a calling teaching youth, primary (I'm primary pianist in my family ward, kinda hard to do that in a singles ward!) and nurturing by the good word of Christ. What do you think of some of these ideas?