How Being Bullied As A Missionary Drove Me To Christ. And How I Found Forgiveness
How Being Bullied As A Missionary Drove Me To Christ
I grew up in Utah County. I was homeschooled, and admittedly I was socially awkward and overweight: This caused me to be bullied growing up. When I arrived in New England for my two year LDS Mission, I was excited and nervous. I finally had a chance to have a fresh start. I prayed that I would be able to make friends.
When I started my mission in South Royalton Vermont, my trainer became my best friend, and the work went from nothing to overflowing. In a mission where most missionaries see one baptism a year, in my first six months, we found and taught three new investigators and set four more on the path of baptism who got baptized after I left. It was terrific; Elder Walker was a true friend. With him, I realized I was overweight and started losing weight dropping over 40 lbs in 6 months! He was always there to support me.
Then I got transferred to a new state, I did not know anyone, and I struggled. For six months I had heard times with my companion, we did not get along very well. I remember asking God for a friend, a companion that would have my back, and that I could feel cared for me. A companion like my trainer, Elder Walker.
Myself (left) and my trainer Elder Walker.
When I met Elder Smith* (*The names has been changed) I felt that my prayers had been answered, we hit it off and became friends immediately. Everything was going perfectly; I expected the next six weeks to be my favorite transfer of my mission, little did I know that the next six weeks would be the hardest and darkest of my life.
The next morning the phone rang, it was the Assistants. I was told that would be having another missionary join our companionship; we would be a trio. I knew and loved Elder Johnson*, so I was excited to have two friends as my companions at the same time. How lucky could I get?
I quickly realized something was not right. They were both fun to be around, but after the first lesson I noticed they hated the people we were teaching, they talked bad about them non-stop. It was demoralizing. I loved these people, and my new friends treated them poorly. Things deteriorated over the next few days.
It reached the boiling point on Thursday; it was just three days into our trio when Robert*, one of my favorite investigators dropped us. When we arrived at home Elder Smith smugly commented that "Robert was not real growth anyways." My blood boiled, and I lost it, we started fighting. I accused him of not caring about any of my investigators, he replied saying he did not, and he started to insult each one of them, he said he would drop them as soon as I got transferred. Hearing him talk bad about these people that I loved sent me into a craze. Luckily the Zone leaders called us with a question when they heard what was happening they came over immediately.
When the Zone Leaders got to our apartment, they sat all three of us down and asked us to talk about our problems. They started with Elder Smith. They asked him what I did that annoyed him so much. For the next two hours Elder Smith, then Elder Johnson talked. Then each of the Zone Leaders joined in expressing parts of my character and personality that they did not like. By the end, I was in tears. Everything I had dealt with as a child, all the bullies and every weakness I had, all came rushing back all in two hours. I was reminded that I was fat, awkward, I was flat out told I was hurting the people of New England by being a missionary.
“He is just going to call and lie to President; he will ruin our chance at leadership.” Elder Smith bemoaned. “He has already caused a big enough mess.”
“Don’t become that missionary” The Zone Leaders quickly told me. “President already has enough problems, don’t become another mess to clean up.”
“I promise, I won’t cause another mess” I replied, buying into the lies that I was a failure.
“Good. We are all agreed then; Elder Goff just needs to do better.” The Zone Leaders said as they stood up to leave.
Over the next four weeks, I was ridiculed for everything I did and was. Every time I would work out, eat, teach, study, I was always reminded by my companions I was not good at it. But I could deal with it, and I had dealt with being bullied for as long as I could remember. It was normal to be bullied. But when I was told I did not have a testimony of The Atonement because I had never broken the Law of Chastity or viewed porn, or when I was even mocked for kneeling to pray, it started to hurt worse than anything I had ever felt before, I was miserable, they were attacking the only thing I held dear, my testimony.
Being bullied about my testimony was demoralizing, I was also being told non-stop about how much of a failure I was, and how I was hurting the people in New England by staying on my mission. They told me to just go home" as it would be better for those I loved if I went home. I had no one to turn for support. We are told not to email family/friends about mission problems, and I was told by my Zone Leaders not to tattle to my Mission President. (which is garbage, I learned always to be open with him).
One of the saving graces in this trial was Jake. I had taught Jake with my prior companion. Going on splits with Jake and the other members gave me hope. I could feel the spirit as we taught. More than anything, the only thing I was holding onto was my investigators.
Jake's Baptism. One of the highlights and memories I held to.
I reached the breaking point, one night I waited in my bed till my companions were asleep. I then knelt in my bed so I would not make a noise and I started praying. When I started to pray I just started crying, begging and pleading to God. I just could not take it anymore; I had been convinced that I was hurting everyone I cared about and loved... “God...If You love me...Let me die tonight. I can’t deal with this anymore. Please, if You love me let me die tonight.” I prayed.
God did love me. And He was about to teach me that The Atonement is real. I did not die that night, that next week I decided I would confront my companions in hopes of making peace.
I confronted Elder Johnson first. We had known each other now for almost six months; he recently noticed how much I was struggling and had started being nicer to me. He expressed that he felt no ill will towards me, but that he would not confront Elder Smith. He said he would not get in the middle of our fight; he told me that I need to talk with Elder Smith myself.
Finding Forgiveness And Peace.
I still remember the morning like it was yesterday...Elder Johnson was taking his shower, and Elder Smith was reading when I came up to him and asked if we could talk.
“What did I do? I am sorry for whatever I did to offend you. Why do you hate me so much, Elder Smith?” I asked.
“I am so thankful we are having this conversation...The past six weeks have been the hardest of my mission...Being mean to you felt so wrong, I knew it was hurting you, but it was the only way to teach you to be humble. It was so hard.”
Confused and dismayed at what I was hearing, and in a state of shock realizing that he had intentionally been ignoring the Spirit to bully me, I stood there. Then he asked me the question that rocked me to the soul.
“Will you forgive me?” He said as he opened his arms for a hug.
My first thoughts were, “kick him in the balls, punch him in the face and tell him to go to hell.” I was angry, confused, and shocked. He had caused me so much pain and suffering but expected just to say sorry, and it would be better. I wanted more from him than that; I wanted vengeance; he made me suffer. I stood there when words came to my mind; I can still remember them to this day. It was if I heard Jesus Christ say:
“Is My death not enough? What more do you want?”
“Was It? Was His death enough?” I asked myself.
“Yes, I forgive you,” I told him as we hugged.
I went into the other room and knelt in prayer. As I struggled in prayer, I felt the spirit so strongly, and I had finally learned that The Atonement was real. I felt the need to repent myself of my actions, and as I did this, I felt and knew that Jesus Christ’s death is enough. It is enough to swallow the pain caused by others, enough to forgive others of their trespasses, no matter how much they hurt me. It is Enough to help me endure bullies, and find strength in Christ. I learned that when I hit rock bottom that Christ is the rock at the bottom.
Conclusion.
Am I still bullied? Yes. I am still teased and bullied to this day about my weight, how I talk or something others deems wrong about me. But I have Jesus Christ, and His Grace is enough to help me repent and forgive others, it helps me endure and enjoy the journey of life.
PS Something cool happened as I was writing this, Robert contacted me! It has been more than three years since he has talked with me, and he has not been meeting with the missionaries. But he reached out to me, and now we have been communicating back and forth! He has committed to start reading the Book of Mormon again!
Thanks for sharing this story! I think missions can bring out the best and the worst in people. I know learning more about the atonement was the greatest gift my mission gave me! as someone who also had some terrible experiences with people on the mission, I really appreciate your testimony of forgiveness and love. I'm so glad I found this blog 🙂
You're a very wonderful person, and I'm glad you truly cared/care about those you were teaching. However, please remember your leaders in the Church are THERE to help you. It is their calling, and their mission, to assist you and guide you. Never to bully, judge, or belittle you. Never hesitate to contact whoever you need to until you are able to feel the peace and love of Christ more fully in your life. I hope you understand it is NOT a bother for you bring your pain to your Bishop or Stake President, just like it would not have been a bother to your Mission President. (If we don't take our problems to them, we are denying them the chance to serve, a lot like going on a mission and having no one to teach. So be glad when you give them the opportunity to pray for you and bless you! When they do a kindness for even "the least of these", they are doing it for their King.) Plus, not only would it have helped you sooner, but by correcting the horrible actions of the others, it would have given them a chance to repent and soften their hearts. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing, but that doesn't mean you have to suffer alone or continue to take abuse from those who can't see you for who you really are: a wonderful, loving son of God.
I ended up talking to the Mission President the next transfer, mainly telling him the thing that I did wrong during the bullying period. But once he knew something was wrong, he investigated what happened, and apologized to me for what I was put through. So yes, contact your leaders, they are there to help.
By leaving out the part about talking to your mission pres you send the wrong message. You can still include about how the savior helped you directly but as was previously pointed out, that is what our leaders are for. If you can't include that part you are diminishing the savior and promoting your independence from him....tell the whole story. It wasn't just your forgiveness to them that brought about their humility towards you. The role our leaders play is part of the gospel...including the Zone leaders. You may not know the rest of their story but the mission pres should. By leaving that part out you also promote enduring needless bullying which some people cant take. You also are sending the message never to be a tattletaler, which is a satanic lie, conceived to divert attention from the sin of bullying. I believe the full story would promote the Savior's love more completly and give hope and strength for those that suffer, to do the right thing.
I did not intend to make that point, if anything I was trying to point out that by not going to my Mission President I had to endure more.
I apologize if I have entirely misconstrued your comment Michael, but I'm afraid that your harsh allegations of (Elder) Jeremy Goff diminishing the Savior's involvement in his story seems completely uncalled for and unsupported. While I certainly do not wish to downplay the role a priesthood leader can play in one's spiritual journey, I will not stand and let Jeremy's experience with the infinite love and compassion of our Savior go belittled or diminished simply because he didn't confide his woes with his mission president. Jeremy, I hope you disregard this comment. You are not perpetuating any "satanic lie," you are not "diminishing the Savior," you are not "[diverting] attention away from the sin of bullying."
Sometimes in abuse situations it isn't possible to go to the leaders. I was bullied at home while I was growing up, and learned that I couldn't go to leaders. The people doing the abusing were my leaders (ie. my mom) and allowed the abuse (ie. my dad).So, when I found bullying in the MTC I was not mentally or emotionally able to go to my leaders with it. I finally overcame that while in my third area when my companion and I were struggling (not a bullying situation) and we talked to the district leaders about it.
Why didn't you talk to the Ward Mission Leader ? I'm the WML in my ward & would be mortified if I thought any of my missionaries were suffering like this & felt they had no one to turn to. Glad you came through it though.
I did, he told me "sacrifice obedience for unity" Which I did, and there was a week that transfer that I did not work, I stayed home with my companions, it did not work. I sacrificed the Spirit when I sacrificed obedience.
Oh I am sorry you received bad advice. I can only speak from my experience but I love them dearly and pray for them every day. I imagine it could be difficult to raise concerns when you are constantly with your companion. Especially if they're causing the problem. Anyway thanks for sharing your experience. I enjoy reading the blog. Come visit if you pop over to the UK
I'm so sad that you've had to deal with this so often. My sons were bullied by other Church members and have left the Church. I didn't know about it until they refused to come back to Church. I'm so proud of you for staying strong, for turning to Christ for help and for not falling away. Thankfully, you didn't believe them and finally talked to your Mission President. Best of luck to you in the future. If I might make a suggestion? Decide now that you will not be bullied anymore. When you speak of it, say "I used to be bullied." or "Previously, this is the way things were." Don't allow it to be a part of your life any longer. If you choose to lose weight, being thinner will probably help you feel better, however, it doesn't change your brain unless you train it to think about yourself in a different way. Even if you don't, I hope you will see yourself for the wonderful person that God has created you to be. Much love to you!
What a pleasure to find someone who ideefitins the issues so clearly
Wow-what an incredible story! I could have really used this message on my mission but I can implement it now. So, thank you for sharing.
I too was bullied on my mission by one of my companions. I appreciate you posting your story. It makes me feel better that I was not the only one who went through it 🙂
TO the Elder bullied on his mission. Thank you for sharing. I will pray for you for the rest of my life that you never lose hope or your testimony. May God bless you dear one. Thank you for teaching me a lesson of the Atonement. Much love.
I am sorry you had to go through such a horrible experience in the mission field. I was also bullied a few times as a missionary. The first happened in the MTC from some sisters in another district. I remember asking my companion, "Why are they even serving missions if this is how they treat people? This is not how the Savior would treat people and they are supposed to represent Him." When some of the Elders in our zone (including our zone leader) were harrassing me and my companion, I told my zone leader I would report it to the mission president if it didn't stop. I was told "Oh, you wouldn't want to do that. You wouldn't want people not to like you. You wouldn't want to be THAT missionary..." I told him I wasn't serving a mission so people would like me. I was serving a mission to share the Gospel with others. The harrassment continued. I told the mission president what was happening and it came to a stop. Shortly after that I was sent home for multiple surgeries, due to some illnesses. I never did return to that mission, as I had to be reassigned to a different mission- but I did receive a letter from my zone leader thanking me for my example and all he learned from me. I was very surprised to receive that letter.
I was also bullied by some ward members as a missionary. It was not fun. It's been 25 years since my mission, so I don't remember exactly what the members had an issue with- I believe it had something to do with an investigator we were teaching. The members (a married couple) wanted to have a special meeting with our zone leader to address their concerns about us. In this "meeting" the member made false accusations and told lies about us-- the Spirit left the room immediately. My companion was in tears. I do remember my zone leader coming up to me afterwards and saying, "I saw that you restrained yourself very well. You are a great missionary and I'm sorry this is happening to you..." It really is a sad thing that ANY member of the church would bully another person--especially those trying to serve the Lord. As disciples of Christ, we are supposed to TRY and be like Him--and He definitely would never make anyone feel hurt, sad, or less than. I am getting ready to send a daughter out on a mission and I am a little worried....I really hope she doesn't have to deal with bullies within the mission, or within the church. It should never happen.
What a powerful statement. Is my death not enough? What more do you want?
Jeremy, I so appreciate you sharing this with the world. It highlights a harsh, sad reality that often times one's missionary companions are the greatest obstacle/struggle/challenge a young missionary will face in their time of service. I hope that this blog post inspires future missionaries to better prepare themselves for missionary service by seeking to develop Christ-like love and charity for all people, to develop patience, kindness, and temperance, so that when they are paired with a "difficult" companion, they can exercise such Christ-like attributes for the betterment of the companionship and for the betterment of the Lord's work.
I was bullied on my mission. I remember this one instance during a district meeting, while my companions and I (I was also in a trio!) were giving our weekly report, I was called a "faggot" by one of the other elders in the district. It wasn't jokingly said. It was very abrupt, and came from a place of hostility and negative feelings that this missionary had been harboring against me - odd, given that he and I had never served alongside each other, and had no personal history with each other outside of me being his zone leader at the time. I had no idea how to respond to that. I was so shaken. I wish I would have had the strength, the patience, and the humility that you had then. I'm afraid I'm only now confronting this issue and seeking resolution, and this is nearly 5 years after the fact. I kept my hurt feelings inside. I never told my mission president. To any missionary currently serving or will serve that reads Jeremy's story or my comment, please do not stay silent if you face similar trials. Seek help. You have an abundance of help - both within your mission leadership and Heaven sent - eager to assist and lift you up.
I am so sorry you've had to deal with bullying. Having dealt with bullying my entire life I understand how hard it can be. Thankfully, we learn valuable lessons through our most trying experiences. Thanks for sharing your story and testimony!
I am sorry that you had to go through the experience that you did. One lesson that I have told people again and again before they go out on their mission is there is going to be one companionship that everything is going to click - your personalities, your work ethic, all of it and it is going to be an amazing time. But there is also going to be one companionship that for whatever reason you are not going to click and it is going to be a epic struggle for everyone. The other companionships will fit between these two extremes.
To me having to deal with many different personalities and people that I would have never been with before my mission was a valuable lesson and it has helped me later on in life. To me It is one of the many hidden blessings of serving a mission.
I am absolutely mortified that any missionary would treat another missionary this way, let alone a companion.
How I can relate to you! It has been the same for me since youth. Even in my present ward
How I look on the outside is just the reverse of how I am on the inside. They stuck me in a position and left me to rot there. Faithful I have always been, and always will be. You must forgive them, but they don't need to be part of your life. Know who you are! Remember that old saying, "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent ".
It is sad how we can belittle others at times. What a great faith building story, thank you for sharing.
Well done on sharing what you experienced on your mission. I can relate a lot to what you have shared here.
Missions are hard work and often not in the way that you expect them to be. There were times that things were fantastic on my mission and times when they were incredibly difficult.
One thing that I have learnt from my mission now that it is many years on and I have the benefit of hindsight is that it is incredibly difficult to know what your companion/s have been going through at the time. There were things that my companions did that didn't make sense to me at the time but I know the difficulties that I was having so can see that they were also having troubles. It was almost certainly the best thing to do is confront your companion.
There are things that I am proud of from my mission and things that I am not so proud of but now as I look back I wouldn't change much. I probably would have councilled more with my mission president. There were times when I was having difficulties with my companions and didn't say anything as I wanted to try and work things out myself. Even the act of talking though is hugely therapeutic. I'm sure I would have felt more supported and less alone. The rejection that you get when you are on a mission takes its tole. Especially when you have a companion that you have 'challenges' with living with someone in those circumstances 24/7 is no mean feat.
I don't get it, why was the elder bullying you on purpose, like he'd been ordered to do it? It reads as though he 'had' to bully you because the leaders felt you needed to learn humility and needed a stronger testimony. Does this sort of thing actually happen????
I'd be terrified of sending my child on a mission if that's the case.
He had received false personal revelation.
@Emilie,
It happens, with regular ward members too. If true and the elder was telling the truth about thinking he received revelation, which I question because of the joy he seemed to take in being mean, (I'm leaning toward thinking he just made that part up on the spot to try and validate his behavior), it was from the wrong source, and he was listening to the spirit of the adversary. Satan's sneaky, manipulative, and he twists things. Spiritual abuse is his specialty, to try and make us think evil is good. I love how Jeremy loves his investigators and found comfort and friendship with them more than his companions! I'm going to pass that thought along. To see investigators as future friends is such a great missionary tool!