Visitors Are Welcome But Do They Feel Wanted?
Visitors Are Welcome But Do They Feel Wanted?
Elder W. Mack Lawrence
"Visitors Welcome"
Every chapel or meetinghouse in the church has the same sign: "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints: Visitors Welcome." The purpose of this sign is two-fold, first to declare it as His Church. Second to declare that Visitors are welcome. Period the end. Come as you are.
Countless times as a missionary in New England or helping the Missionaries when I lived in South Carolina I had investigators mournfully say "I want to come to church, but I don't have nice clothes." To that, I would always quickly reply, "If we wanted nice clothes at Church Missionaries would be sent to department stores to bring in mannequins." I would then explain that the Lord wants all of His children to return home. Dress your best to show respect, but His Church welcomes visitors regardless of how they look or even smell.
"We can do much better and should do better in welcoming new friends into the Church. I invite you to consider what we can do to be more embracing, accepting, and helpful to them, starting this very next Sunday."
Elder Ulisses Soares
"Not Wanted"
Far too often when investigators or less-actives come to church and they smell or don't look like the other members, the members put up a sign saying "Visitors welcome, but not wanted." This sign was not a physical sign they held up but rather a sign their attitude painted. Sometimes this would come from judgmental comments about the visitor's looks or smells. For some, these comments cause them to go buy Sunday clothes and try to fit in more. But more often than that, it fills them with shame, causing them to not want to return. When this concern is brought up often members will reply "But they did not reach out!" I flatly reject this notion. It is not the job of the visitor to reach out, but that of the ward they are visiting to help them feel welcome and wanted.
A story that illustrates this idea was shared recently (9/23/2018) when Elder Holland spoke in my Stake Conference. He shared the story from his youth of a young man from Southern Utah who was on a rival sports team. He explained that this man had reached out to Elder Holland 50 years later to share his story. See, this young man came from an abusive family. His dad was an alcoholic, and he beat his wife and kids. As the oldest son, he would try to stand up for his mom and siblings. Feeling overwhelmed he remembered that when he was a kid he was baptized, but his family had not been to church since then. He was never ordained to the Priesthood but he thought he could go to the Church for help.
He gathered the courage and walked into Sacrament meeting wearing his grungy clothes and the very first thing a member told him was, "What are you doing here? Did you lose your game last night?" He left. He did not come back to church. Over the next 40 years, this man grew up, got married, became an alcoholic himself, ruined his marriage, and hurt his kids.
Decades later he has come back to the Church and he was informing Elder Holland that he was being ordained a High Priest. But he admitted shame and regret for years lost. For never being able to talk to his grandsons about missions, or about blessing or passing the sacrament.
Elder Holland continued, "I don't know if that member was too young or old to understand, or maybe they just did not get what they were doing." And then he charged us (he literally was shouting), NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!!! Never do anything like this where you will look back with regret!
"The First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles are greatly concerned over the well-being of every new and less-active member of the Church. No ward or branch council should allow a new convert to feel insecure in his newly embraced Church membership. And yet there are still too many of them who do not feel warmly welcomed."
M. Russell Ballard
"Visitors Welcome And Wanted!"
Bakersfield.
I only visited the Bakersfield YSA Branch. When I visited I just decided to keep to myself and see what happens. I walked into the chapel sat down by myself and pulled out my phone. I figured no one would talk with me when suddenly a girl sat down next to me, she introduced herself to me and asked who I was. We talked for a few minutes and then she said "Well, I've gotta go back to greeting people, but don't sit here by yourself! Come, sit with so and so and so and so" Suddenly I was surrounded by new friends who wanted me there. I put my phone away and felt welcome and wanted. They did not let me feel alone, they reached out to make sure I felt wanted.
Simpsonville 1st ward
When I lived in Greenville South Carolina I attended the Simpsonville 1st ward for a few months. I was a single guy attending a family ward I was kinda nervous as I have had a couple bad experiences before. When I walked into church the first Sunday and I saw a big sign about an upcoming fireside on inclusion entitled: "No more strangers." Little did I know that this ward truly practiced what they preached. I was invited to members homes for dinners, not just one or two, but multiple members. They added me on Facebook, they asked about my week, they genuinely took time to know me, not just about me, but actually me. To this day when I see someone from the ward we embrace and have a joyful reunion.I felt like an adopted son. I felt wanted.
Provo 173rd Ward
When I moved to Provo the summer of 2017 I quickly was called into the Elders Quorum Presidency. But I felt disenfranchised with my ward. Almost nobody was friendly. I felt like I had no friends and my opinions were not valued. I knew I was needed when those I home taught thanked me, and after I taught lessons or gave talks in church people said they felt the Spirit. But being needed did not mean I felt wanted. Two months into summer my friend Ryan said he was giving a talking in his ward (the Provo 173rd YSA ward). I had helped with the talk prep so I went to support him. I noticed the difference from the first moment in the ward. The wives of the Bishopric all greeted me. The welcoming committee asked my name, people sat with me. People invited me to stay for the second and third hours! I felt at home. Over the course of the summer, I would attend their ward in the morning and my ward in the afternoon. I was invited to every activity, I would walk into church and immediately people would greet me by name. They asked me to help pass the sacrament, encouraged me to share my testimony, and to participate in class. I felt wanted. The last Sunday of the summer we held a testimony meeting in Priesthood. I explained what I had been doing all summer, "I come to your ward every week in the morning because I feel wanted and among friends. I go to my ward in the afternoon to honor my covenants."To this day I still am invited to their ward activities and my friends from this ward will go out of their way to spend time with me.
"we can establish fully a community of Saints where everyone will feel needed and wanted."
James E. Faust
Helping Others Feel Welcome And Wanted
If I had to condense what I learned from all my experiences it would be easy: Signs can declare people are welcome, but it is by learning their name, sitting with them, getting to know them, becoming their friends, aka when you minister to them, that they actually feel welcome and wanted.
"I urge you to increase the spirit of friendship and pure Christian fellowship in your neighborhoods. A new convert or recently activated member should feel the warmth of being wanted and being welcomed into full fellowship of the Church."
M. Russell Ballard
I know from my own personal experience that if one is over 46 and is a male, who chooses to visit a single ward, up to that age group, for it has been said that it's up to the Bishop on how he interprets what that welcome sign means. I remember years ago visiting a single ward in the Salt Lake, Midvale area and the Bishop had certain members of the Elders Quorum going up to individuals that they didn't recognize and asking them, what are you doing here? They would say to me why don't you go to your home ward, we don't want to see you back here again. Of course that really made me feel loved and welcome for they would never dare say that to a woman who was visiting. It goes back to the cover story, if members smell tobacco smoke on someone who is visiting and may think to themselves what are they doing here. It perhaps may not be comfortable to be around people who smell of products that they would not partake of but members should be thrilled that someone is trying to show change. We all need to change whither we have problems with the word of wisdom or have problems with being too self righteous and become blinded by the fact that we can't even see the beam that's blocking our own vision of light. This is one of the reasons why I feel that the church should do away with single wards and send everyone back to there own home wards where they can be around all ages of people coming together as one and turn the single part it over to the stakes and regions so they can have mingles and firesides where they can come together as single adults but stay in their own ward boundaries.
When my wife and I first came to the View Ridge Ward in the Everett (Washington Stake), Not one person said hello to us;not one. Two weeks went by as we attended Sacrament Meeting and no one talked to us. I began to wonder, "Is it us?" I'm African -American. My wife is Asian-Pacific Islander. We saw other white couples join the Ward and noticed a difference in how they were received
This Ward was so unlike the Ward we came from (Jovita Creek Ward, Federal Way Washington Stake) they were so loving and kind. We truly felt like a family.
I joined the church in 2003 and I can honestly say that I only felt welcomed by the missionaries and the branch president. Also, til this day I feel like most members of the church are self righteous, holier than though and think they are better than everyone else. I haven’t been back to church since 2014 and I’m not sure if I will ever be back.
@Woodruff, I’m sorry you feel that way friend. The important thing to remember is that God loves you, and He wants to become closer to Him. How other people act shouldn’t determine your own personal faith and relationship with Jesus Christ.
For those of you who have not felt the welcoming warmth of a good ward, I'm really sorry. My family and I have a great ward back in Vermont that is very welcoming, as are most of the wards back home. We are visiting around the southwest for a month, and have had the chance to attend several different wards in various states with our six children.
We had mostly great experiences, but I have to say that the ward that we visited in Provo was definitely the least welcoming. They were mostly married student families, with 1 or 2 children, along with a few larger more established families. The sacrament attendance was probably around 200 - about 130 more than our weekly attendance back home.
Well, no one even said hello to us. My wife said later that it was just a big ward, and everyone just assumed that we were members. But then I reminded her that I really did not see ANYONE saying hi to anyone else. None of the usual handshaking, or hellos that are typical in every ward I go to back in Vermont or New Hampshire.
It was more like they were getting a job done, or members of a club. There are huge differences between wards and units, but by and large most are quite welcoming, even if its mainly a handful of people who do the welcoming. Do yourself a favor and make sure that YOU are one of those doing the welcoming, and you can improve a ward, as long as it has any life in it at all.
I have traveled a lot for my work. I have been to many wards StKes and Church word houses.Never in all my years as a church member have I felt unwwellcome. All the Saints Are warm welcoming, and I am so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. Always loving With high gratitude and class.
@Donald Layton, I think often a single man is welcomed more visiting award than a single woman. I also have traveled sometimes for work and often for pleasure. I have found that people were kind of average and welcoming me. I had a friend whose son and he happened to be a married man with a family at home traveled a lot for business. When he went to church in a new area, he got several invitations all the time to join people for Sunday dinner or other dinners. I've never in my life had anyone when I was visiting asked me for dinner. Not that I cared But as much as we do not like to admit it I think a man traveling solo gets a warmer welcome. And when I use the word single I don't mean marital status I mean that the person comes alone to Sacrament meeting or whatever meeting it is.
I’m a convert. I was baptized 2 years ago. Before I was baptized people pretended to be friendly. I went to their house every week for dinner to meet with the missionaries. After I was baptised they acted like they didn’t want to know me. No one teaches anything. I’ve done only a few chapters of Gospel Principles. Those lessons stopped when I was baptised. I didn’t get new member lessons. In the first year I had no home teachers or visiting teachers. There’s minimal fellowship. This church is like a snobby clique that I’m not good enough to be part of. I give up. I’ve wasted 2 years of my life trying to fit in and understand it.
Hi, I am sorry about your experience as a recent convert. I am a convert too and my experience in the ward was nothing but positive. The members and YSAs of my ward were caring, loving, understanding and patient. The homes of the members and leaders were constantly opened to me, and I am grateful for their examples.
My experience is not unique and neither is yours. I strongly believe that some wards do a better job than others in taking care of new members, investigators and less active members. Whether it be within or outside the church, I been at the receiving end of unchristlike words and actions. However, the unkind behaviors of one or some wards do not define the church. The poor actions of a member or some members do not define the rest of the members of the church and especially not me. We are not responsible for the actions of other but we are responsible for ours and how we use it for good.
As members we are not perfect but we strive to be like our Savior in all we do, and we have the responsibility to forgive each others for our imperfections, work together and help each other to be better.
In my humble opinion there are only 2 things that matters in this context: Is the Church & the restored gospel of Jesus Christ true (I testify without a doubt that it is true) and am I true to that gospel/the church and to my Savior Jesus Christ? Nothing else matters, not even those that may despise or treat us unkindly, for our Master and Redeemer Jesus Christ went through worse than that and yet He remained faithful to His Father, forgave and gave His all that we may one day be better and perfected through His atoning blood.
I am so sorry you have had this experience. It is not what the Savior wants us to experience. I too am a convert. Before I was baptized my best friend that had introduced me to the church moved away. I was on my own. I had days like you are telling about. It is hard. What I kept telling myself was the gospel of Jesus Christ is true. The people in the church are not perfect and have a lot of improving to do. If I knew who you were and where you lived I would make sure you are loved and cared for. It is not easy, but it is worth it. Our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ’s arms are reaching out still. Please come back because of the Savior. His love is greater and mightier than all.
@Givingup,
When I was baptized, I didn't "join the Church" as if it was a social club or a support group. I made a covenant with Jesus Christ. As a result, He wants me to interact with others who have made the same covenant. He wants me to love them, support them, forgive them, forgive them, and forgive them, even as I would be forgiven. He puts me in places and situations that I might not choose for myself, but ultimately they cause me to become a better person and have been for my good. The Lord is a very Inconvenient Messiah, but I wasn't placed on earth for my convenience, but for my growth.
@Lora, inconvenient Mesiah sounds new to me.
@Givingup, hello! It’s important to remember that it’s not a social thing. You are there to make a covenants for Jesus Christ and come closer to Him. How others treat you shouldn’t define your membership. You should focus on Jesus Christ and your relationship with Him. And if the members didn’t try to know you, maybe try to know them! Ask the Bishop for a calling, and try to be Christlike, instead of expecting people to be “perfect” members.
Of course a ward should make visitors feel welcome and wanted, but it sounds like some folks need to work on their own judgments and insecurities.
In our rural ward in Northwestern Utah, we have such a great blend of "veterans" (widows, older members, young members, new converts, and move-ins). In our ward council meetings and even over the pulpit, we had a recently - released bishop remind us that the Savior spent his ministry out among the people. He didn't judge or condemn them - even those caught in adultery and sinful living, He just loved them and served them. That is what we should all do. He also said that the smell of tobacco on someone coming to church should be a sign that they are doing the right thing (coming to church) for the right reason and that the church is not a showcase for the "perfect" but a place where we can all come to seek to become better.
If all sin had an odor the smell of tobacco would be the least offensive
May I suggest that the reason for going to church is for partaking of the ordinance of the Sacrament? The only ordinance offered outside the temple. We aren’t commanded to make friends, be popular, or do all the traditional things that Latter-day Saints do. We ARE commanded to worship God, remember our Savior, and do those things that will improve our lives. Obey God.
We are also commanded to love our neighbors.
@Jeremy, Agree. LOOK everyone wants to be included and feel loved. Your missing the point of going to church. The 1st great commandment is to love God and second is to love thy neighbor as thy self. To lover others is an action. Whether that actions is a smile, saying hello, opening a door or helping someone is some of the ways we show love. So worshiping is great, but living and showing christlike love in are everyday actions is what it's all about!!
So as an old member of the church...I was in a super creative and well following church.I never felt truly alone but when I grew older and had to leave I understood finally that not all churches are the same. Sure we are trying to make it be different but what really needs to happen is the members need to set an example. you want people to feel welcome? then be a welcoming person. when no one is watching. I'm 20 years old and I will never have anyone feel as if they are not wanted or cared for. I've had people who were complete strangers tell me their stories and I would care and listen. What we are missing is for people to find the time to do these things. everyone gets so busy trying to live life to the fullest instead of sharing their care for money and time change for listening to someone. my mother for example has had her legs damages to beyond repair and had to go to the hospital. and what help she got were from her home teachers alone. she received care but never got what she needed. she couldn't get even a member to mow the grass and had to pay 40 dollars from her workmans comp pay to get it mowed. I want that to be so much more than what it was. Being Nosey into other peoples lives shouldn't even be something sinful. it's never terrible to want to know how someone is doing. find interest in others. there are so many blessings when you help someone in need. to those who have received no help from others...I ask you to try and butt your head again and get members to take interest in you. even though it may seem to be too much work or they never listen...go up higher. find that stake president and tell him that you need help. it could be during your stake meetings and such, they will find time for you. I may not be an "active" member but I care about people so much that I want everyone to know that help will come.
I hear this complaint. But I also wonder if it is partly because the people we see frequently also feel like outsiders. And so are not proactive at welcoming in because they don't realize they are the "in." =(
I have been going to this church since I was a child I got baptized when I was 8, my father believed in the church with all of his heart and soul,he also believed that he was not good enough to come to church, because he smoked and drank, he was able to stop smoking but the alcohol no, he and the man who raised him were an alcoholics and my Dad wasn't treated very well and left this situation when he was 16. So my mom and my two brothers and I went to church.We were treated okay for a while then my mom and Dad got divorced, we moved and continued to go to church we were treated horrible. We were the only divorced family in the ward! Much later after I was married and had moved out, I was visiting my mother and one of the guys that had been in our ward insisted that I stay to watch something that he knew was going to take place. He wanted me to sit next to him while this happened. Everyone in the ward knew how horrible we were treated because most of them were treating us that way. As I sat there one of the men that had been in the ward he and his family were so mean to us I will always remember them they are the ones who taught me swear words. Anyways this man was going to be appointed Bishop and I guess part of accepting that calling was that he had to repent, so I sat there and watched and listened to him apologize to my mother for the way him and his family had treated us, it was amazing that he did that and my mother never told me how she felt about it I know she cried,but we really weren't allowed to feel that is a no in alcoholic families. I hold no grudges but of course he didn't apologize to me or my brothers. I must say the damage was done we never felt comfortable returning to the church my mother never did, my younger brother never will. I have but only years after I myself was divorced,my kids were treated horrible they were all baptized out of five kids two really had a strong testimonies, but none of them stayed with the church. Fortunately some believe in God! One of my lovely highly intelligent daughters, her husband and two daughters tried going back to the church figuring she was married so she would fit in a few very few were kind to her but over all she was definitely not warmly welcomed she kept going for a while then told me mom I can't keep going to this church I don't want my girls to ever feel less then,and I never want them to feel that they are better then others plus I want my husband to go to church with us and he never will here. She also told me that I had always held on to relationships where I was abused and/or treated less then .I couldn't argue cuz I spent 28 years of my live in abusive relationships 10 in one and 18 in another! But like my father I really believe the church is true but I just don't fit in I never have but I just believe it must be me! the above mentioned daughter immediately found a church where they were warmly welcomed, the whole family goes and they think it is amazing they are completely involved in helping others constantly and so very happy! I have tried to invite people to my church and they are all willing to go to church with me until I tell them the name of the church and then they ask me why I would go to that church then share their experiences with the church to me. And I say well I understand but the church has realized some of the stuff that they were doing to make people feel like they were unwelcome like the prophet told the yough women that they should not only invite people to come to church but they should be nice to them after they are there and make them feel welcome! Their response is why would the prophet have to tell them that! you don't have to be a member of any church to know that you should treat people like you would like to be treated! I couldn't argue with that one either!
I have attended a Ward that was busy and people did not always reach out to each other. I decided I was going to do something about it. I decided that instead of sitting on the bench waiting for someone to say hello to me, or wait for someone to make me feel welcome. I got up off the bench and I began going to people and saying hello to them, welcoming them, making sure they knew who I was and that they were welcome.
Sometimes we wait for others, and sometimes, let us be the people that make others feel welcome, even when we are the visitor or the new member. The gospel is true. We have to work harder at living it.
Glad You Are Here
November 1, 2019
By Harold Echols
Have you noticed some people at church that no one seems to talk to?
Be the first to say they are welcome and the last to bid them farewell.
Make sure they know their visit made a significant difference to you.
Tell them you hope to see them again, and sing holy praises too.
You may never know how meaningful your words may brighten or impress.
It may be your thoughtfulness and love that stands out above the rest.
Shout out to the “framily” (their word, not mine) ward I visited while traveling for work in Nashville, TN. I felt more a part of that ward in one visit than I’ve felt part of the ward I’ve been in for three years. It was what I picture is how wards have always been intended to be, even if we fall short too often. They truly embraced and welcomed me and I could see it was an extension of how they treated each other. It made me want to move to Nashville - just to be in that ward.
I am a fifth generation member of the church. I've alway been active and am determined that I always will be.
That much said, I have experienced both sides of the coin. For most of my life I grew up in one ward and in the same house. A few years after my mission a singles ward was formed in our stake and though I hadn't intended to attend it, I was drafted because organists are rare here. So, I attended the singles ward and served as organist (which I really love doing). But I turned 30 and was still single and so was invited to return to my home ward. That next Sunday, I headed for church - to my original ward; determined that I would immediately be an integran member of it once again -- I didn't have to make friends, most of the people I grew up around were still there.
But things changed when I got to Elders Quorum. A quorum activity was discussed; one where we would all bring something to eat. I don't socialize easily, but decided I would be ALL IN in the ward and decided what I might bring. When priesthood meeting was over, I got up and headed out of the room, but was quickly detained by one of the quorum presidency who pulled me aside and explained that the upcoming activity was only for married members and to not plan on attending.
Of course I remained active, but I never felt like a part of that quorum - and haven't felt like an integral part of any quorum since. A married a few years later and my wife and I moved into a ward which was predominately air force. Again, I was not overly welcome as a civilian.
My wife and I remain active to this day, in spite of how well, or how badly we have been treated (and there are several horror stories on that regard that I won't bore people here with). The point is. Little things matter. Though I have become somewhat of a "fixture" in our stake as a long time organist, primarily - we still need that warmth and welcoming gestures each week --- and which we have often been denied, but we go, because we are under covenant to do so; not because we are always well received.
We fall short of Christlike acceptance too frequently. Certainly room to improve.
I was baptized 58 years ago, and I've lived in different wards. As a culture, it seems like we try so hard to be "reverent" at church that we don't speak to people at all. As my husband's health has declined, I find myself going to church alone. No one sits by me or speaks to me. I realize that it's important to be proactive and greet others, rather than waiting passively to be greeted, but this does get harder as I get older. In addition, when the bishopric hushes us, it discourages conversation. We need to make up our minds. Is the meetinghouse supposed to be a place of silent reverence or a welcoming place where God's children feel loved and wanted? Have we turned into Pharisees?
@Lora, we *have* made up our minds. The *chapel* is supposed to be a place of silent reverence. The rest of the meetinghouse can be more "welcoming".
@Theron, It can be both. I think my ward is very welcoming but also we'd talk a little bit before the meeting. I think it's the volume talking in a softer voice and being respectful being in the chapel. I think it is important to make sure people do feel welcome when sitting and waiting for church to start. When prelude music starts it's time just a bit more quite, but be observant of people around you. When sacrament is over go seek out those new people.
I have been lucky that I always have had great members and great bishopric no matter where I go. I lived in Canada, different states in the US, Korea, and Netherland. I always loved my church and our brothers and sisters. I now got married and moved to Boise, Idaho. On the first day in this ward after transferring my membership record, one of Bishopric wanted to have an interview saying, “we should contact your previous bishop and ask if you are worthy to be accepted in our ward.” UNBELIEVABLE!!!! Next Sunday, he came to me and said smiling, “Bishop contacted your previous bishop and you had a calling in your ward and he said you were a good member.” What the ****? Even since then this bishopric has been very not welcoming.
I am sorry, that is not how things should happen. Unless your membership notates serious sin or crimes, then there is no reason to be reaching out to a prior bishop. I do hope things get better for you, but if not, remember the Church is true despite the members sometimes.
@S, and remember that if your testimony is rooted in the Bishop, as Elder Utchdorf said, “At first, we may be drawn to the Savior’s gospel and Church because we are impressed by the friendly members or by the kind bishop or the clean looks of the chapel. These circumstances are certainly important to grow the Church.
Nevertheless, if the roots of our testimony never grow deeper than that, what will happen when we move to a ward that meets in a less impressive building, with members who aren’t so friendly, and the bishop says something that offends us?”
Your testimony has to be rooted in something deeper than that. It has to be rooted in something that will never fail you, or leave you. It has to be rooted in Jesus Christ.
Not in Utah - visitors are definitely welcome, but not wanted. We’ve been all over the world and “Utah Mormons” is a thing. We feel (barely) tolerated in our ward, which is better than overt hostility, but not much better. Because of that, we try to be outgoing and loving towards others, especially new people, even though we’re not getting much in return. It’s a good day when 3 people acknowledge our presence and say, “Hi” back to us after we’ve said it to them. Our neighbors directly across the street are generally pretty good and are counted as one of the 3. But if no one ever saw us again in our ward, would we be missed? Would anyone notice that we were gone? No. In ANY ward outside of Utah? From Germany to Singapore to Hawaii to (anywhere else)? Yes. And people would ask after us to see if we were okay.
A lot of people are shy or introverted. They wont come up to a new person, just like most new people wont introduce themselves. Especially since the apostles are now talking about clamor in the chapel, how is one to really welcome people? I feel like the sign should say, "Visitors welcome and wanted" because I think it would change the mindset of the members of that ward/branch. It would bring that thought to the forefront.