5 Ways To Find Joy When You Are Unmarried In A Family Centered Church

There is no doubt about it, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is a family-focused church. For many of us who are single, yet deeply desire a family of our own, the consistent focus on family can start to feel like a trial. Satan tries to trick us into linking our worth to our current marital status, and thus we become bitter. Instead of becoming bitter we can learn to find joy in our journey! Here are five secrets I have learned to avoid becoming bitter and to find joy while being unmarried in a family-centered Church.

1st. Maintain or get an eternal perspective.

Wanting to be married, but being single, is often the hardest trial single Latter-day Saints have ever faced in their lives. One of the most important things any Latter-day Saint can do, married or not, is to maintain an eternal perspective during a trial. We must remember that we are children of God and that He has a plan to bless us more than we can even imagine. Sometimes we are tempted to settle for less than an eternal marriage, but it is vital to have an eternal perspective of who we are and what His plan is for us while we face our trials. Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin stressed this in Oct 2007, when he taught: “We see ourselves in terms of yesterday and today. Our Heavenly Father sees us in terms of forever. Although we might settle for less, Heavenly Father won’t, for He sees us as the glorious beings we are capable of becoming.” So hold on, don’t sell your birthright, and don’t ever settle! 

2nd. Create joy during the journey. 

When I got home from my mission, everyone expected me to get married rather quickly. But despite my desires and efforts, I remained single. As the years passed, I found myself become bitter that I was still single. I wanted a family of my own; I wanted to have my own children, I share my love of the gospel with them! Was that not a righteous desire? I know that in Oct 1993 President Dallin H. Oaks taught that “The Lord has promised that in the eternities no blessing will be denied his sons and daughters who keep the commandments, are true to their covenants, and desire what is right.” But it was hard being denied those blessings year after year, I found myself only going through the motions. 

That is when it hit me: God has blessed me with nieces and nephews, what if I treated them like my own kids? What if I took them on ‘Uncle Jeremy’ dates? What if I took the time to play games with them? What if I loved them with more than just words? What if I taught them how to love the gospel? I decided to pour my heart and soul into my nieces and nephews. I still hold to the promises I have been given, but I have found joy in the journey from the relationships I have built with my nieces and nephews. You can also find joy from wholesome relationships with others; so look for those who you can build relationships with at work, school, and church.  And if you don’t have any nieces or nephews that is ok, only half of those who call me ‘Uncle Jeremy’ are even blood-related to me! The key is to create joy in the journey, as President Hinckley taught in April 1996, “Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured”

3rd Stop Obsessing.

Too many people become fixated on marriage, and it is all they ever think about. It is nearly impossible not to become bitter about being single if you are obsessing about how you think your life “should” be different. Find some wholesome activities you can engage in that will help you live a happy life. President Gordon B. Hinckley stressed this in a YSA fireside when he said, “To you single women and men who wish to be married I say this, Do not give up hope. And do not give up trying. But do give up being obsessed with it. The chances are that if you forget about it and become anxiously engaged in other activities, the prospects will brighten immeasurably.”

But more importantly than just being engaged in activities, is being engaged in activities that build your character and develop your talents. In Oct 2015 Elder Robert D. Hales taught: “Your responsibility now is to be worthy of the person you want to marry. If you want to marry a wholesome, attractive, honest, happy, hardworking, spiritual person, be that kind of person.” I have learned to love writing, running, hiking, cooking, traveling, and sharing the gospel. There is something about the thrill of conquering a mountain that brings me joy or bringing smiles to my friends as I feed them dinner. These activities not only bring more fulfillment, but they also have made me a better person. So whatever wholesome activities or skills you start doing the goal is to continue developing yourself, it will also make you more marriageable!

4th Look for the tender mercies.

In the middle of a trial, it is hard to see tender mercies. But we should seek to always thank God even for our trials and look for His hand in them. One of my favorite illustrations of this would be from the Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom. In the Hiding place, the author describes how she and her sisters were taken by Nazi’s and taken to Ravensbruck, a concentration camp. When they arrived at Ravensbruck, they discovered that the barracks they were confined to was infested with fleas. Corrie and her Sister, who had smuggled a bible in Ravensbruck were reading in 1 Thessalonians 5:18 where we are commmanded to thank the Lord in all things. After reading this Corrie murmured “All things? Even for the fleas?” Her sister said, “Yes, even for the fleas.”

Later they found out that it was a fear of the fleas that kept the Nazi guards away from their barracks. Insulating them from some horrifying experiences and giving them time to study and ponder what they were reading. Corrie ten Boom looking back released that the fleas were tender mercies, blessings from God. Just like her, we too are surrounded by tender mercies of the Lord, if we are but willing to look for them. Sister Sue Clark, the wife of Elder Kim B. Cark, taught this at a fireside when she said, “We can see the hand of the Lord in every experience we have if we are willing to look. That is how we find joy through our trials.”

5th. Build His Kingdom.

When I was a missionary I remember watching the Church History video Treasures in Heaven, where Brigham Young poses the question to Lyman Johnson, “Who’s Kingdom are you trying to build? The Lord’s or Lyman Johnson’s!”  As a missionary, it gave me pause and reflection. Who’s kingdom was I trying to build? So I tried to spend every waking minute building the Kingdom of God. I found that seeing the light in someone’s eyes when the gospel finally clicks is one of the most amazing moments I have ever had. 

You might be thinking, “This is all great, but what does it have to do with being single?” The answer to that is quite simple, often we find misery when we are focused on building our own kingdom. See, when I finished my mission I was encouraged to ‘come home’ and make school,  work, and starting a family my priority. So I focused on building my kingdom, my education, and my career, and dating. As time went on I felt something was missing; I realized that my kingdom had become a false god that I was placing before God and His Kingdom. Whereas yes, you need to further your education, yes you need to get a job, all these things should maintain proper priority in your life. And the proper priority is that God should come first in all things. Once I had this shift everything changed, I found joy again as I spent my time building His Kingdom knowing that if I built his Kingdom when the time is right, He will build mine. 

Elder Dale E. Miller explained in April 1998,  “Brothers and sisters, thrusting in our sickles to help build the Lord’s kingdom should be the prime focus of our lives. It seems reasonable to suggest that we each agreed to that in our premortal life. The key decisions pertaining to education, career, marriage, and the very use of our time, talent, and means should prayerfully hinge on how best we serve the Master, building His kingdom and becoming perfected in Him. As we invest our time, talents, and means to build Zion, our hearts are purified, our wisdom increases, celestial habits begin to form, and the Holy Spirit prepares us to receive the presence of the Father and the Son. By thrusting in our sickles, we reap a double portion—for ourselves and for the kingdom” 

Remember that no blessing will be denied the faithful.

Some of us may think that some blessings are delayed, but we would be wise to remember that this was the plan of a loving Father, a plan that we agreed to. It is wise to remember that in April 1994 President Dallin H. Oaks taught: “We cannot have true faith in the Lord without also having complete trust in the Lord’s will and in the Lord’s timing.” If you are faithful and hold to your covenants, no blessing will be denied you by our loving Father in Heaven. He will always keep His promises. President Howard W. Hunter promised in June 1989, “No blessing, including that of eternal marriage and an eternal family, will be denied to any worthy individual. While it may take somewhat longer—perhaps even beyond this mortal life—for some to achieve this blessing, it will not be denied.” So regardless of your marital status keep your covenants and no blessing will be denied!