BREAKING NEWS: The Church Updates Zoom Polices, Now Offering Zoom Ordinances!
Salt Lake City: As wards and branches around the world start to return to normal worship services the pushback from members has been enormous. Many members simply don't want to come back to in-person church. To address the issues regarding back to normal, the Church's Diversity Equity and Inclusion Department has been tasked with ways to incorporate the wants of the slothful and apathetic members of the Church moving forward. To this end, they announced their new recommendations in the leadership session of General Conference, and immediately the following letter was issued by the Church:
"Dear Brothers and Sisters,
In order to increase Church attendance and to better serve and include the slothful members of the Church, effective immediately, the Church will be offering a completely zoom-based experience. This includes:
- Permanently moving all meetings to Zoom, including, but not limited to: General Conference, Stake Conference, Sacrament Meeting, Sunday School, Priesthood, Relief Society, Presidency Meetings, MTC, Ministering, and even Interviews!
- All ordinances will be offered via zoom too! Zoom-based ordinances include: baptism, confirmation, sacrament, and temple ordinances!
- All missions will be Zoom-based missions.
- When we are called back to Zion there will be a webcam mounted to a handcart so that there will be a virtual option as well!
- There will even be a Zoom option for judgment day as well as live feeds of Celestial Kingdom! Enjoy heaven from your sofa!
No longer will you need to be inconvenienced by needing to physically do anything at Church, everything will be remote via Zoom. Better than that, if you simply send a zoom meeting invite you can count it as ministering!"
This news was met with great rejoicing by many members. On Twitter, a member with the handle @TheGreatAndSpaciousBuildingIsLit wrote, "I am so excited, I love Zoom-Church! It allows me to 'do Church' but still have my whole Sunday for shopping or the movies!"
Madolin Smyth, from Lehi Utah, said, "I am happy they are offering everything via zoom. It creates a better separation between Church and Life, I hate going to Church on Sunday, it takes soo long to drive to the corner this will save me so much time!"
Paityn Mekel Timothee, from Provo Utah, told the BYU Daily Universe, "I like used to have FOMO that I would miss going to like Zion, but with the new virtual options, I can like legit totally have my cake and eat it too! Does anyone know of any summer cottages (with wifi) in Babylon for rent?"
One poster on Reddit even posted instructions on how to set up split screens with ESPN/Twitch and Zoom so on one half you can have your favorite sports (or video game) streaming and on the other be 'logged into Church' he immediately got 10,000+ upvotes.
A text message between Addisen Johnston and MacLaine McFatherlin showed how excited these two Lurals were:
Addisen: "OMG(osh)...
MacLaine: "Wut?"
Addisen: "Zoom Church! its fire!"
MacLaine: "FACTS!
Addisen: "I no! Its Gucci!!
Whereas no one knows what they were talking about for sure, linguists believe they were excited about the changes.
But not all the reaction was positive, on Facebook Dr. Julie Hank posted that the letter was outrageous as it started with "Brothers and Sisters" and she pointed out the gender exclusivity of the statement! As well as the fact that brothers always come before sisters, "It is sexism, pure and simple! First, they get more men speakers than women speakers at conference, now the 'brothers and sisters' attack line is used! It is a dog whistle! When will the oppression of the patriarchy end???" Protests are planned at conference this coming weekend.
Companies looking to take advantage of this new change have announced "Mutal Zoom" an App that combines the dating aspect of Mutal with the new Zoom Church. Find your true love by finding a sacrament service you love together! It is easier than your sister got married at BYU-I!!"
If you can't tell, this is satire. I hope it made you laugh and I hope you have a good April Fools Day. If you enjoyed this, I would like to invite you to like my Facebook page. You might also enjoy last year's April Fool's Day Satire: The Church is Revising Family Proclamation! But in all reality, if you loved Home Church (zoom Church), and are struggling to come back now that we are moving back to normal, this letter is for you! "To Those Who Have Loved Home-Church: An Open Letter and Invitation to Come Back"
