A Guest Post Eric Bailey: I recently met with a gentleman who expressed the point of view that all cases of anger stem from unmet needs. While I can certainly see where he is coming from, understand that point of view, and appreciate him sharing his perspective, this didn’t quite sit well with me; it seemed to be an overgeneralization.
There is a difference between the following:
- Needs
- Desires
- Demands
It can be easy to confuse the three.
Everyone currently living on the earth has needs. These include food, water, shelter, and more. The ultimate need each of us has is the need for love.
Sadly, when that need for love isn’t met in a person’s childhood, that person tends to seek counterfeit ways to fill that need.
Some seek attention.
Some seek power.
Some seek status.
Some seek money.
Some seek stuff.
Some seek to numb their emotions.
Some seek time in nature.
Some seek physical pleasure.
While each of these may bring temporary gratification, none actually fill the actual need for actual love.
In order for one’s needs to actually be met by a filler of needs, one must be both willing to receive AND willing to respect and uphold standards. Those who are unwilling to receive AND respect and uphold standards will never have their actual needs met.
The ultimate example of One who fills needs, the very provider of perfect love (even charity), is Jesus Christ. Actual love always leads people to Christ, for He is love (see 1 John 4:8). Because of His love, He performed the greatest act of love ever performed, even the Atonement, thus allowing all the opportunity to “partake of the fruit” (see 1 Nephi 8), even the love of God, and receive the greatest of all gifts: eternal life and the chance to live with Him, our Heavenly Father, and our families in a state of never-ending happiness forever.
In order to partake of this “fruit,” one must first be willing to receive His love (for He will not violate the agency of anyone) AND uphold His standards by making and keeping sacred covenants with Him. Only then can He truly fill our needs and transform us into perfect beings.
Sadly, there are some who are unwilling to do either.
Some seek blessings and heavenly rewards without respecting His standards by keeping His commandments. They want their needs and desires met, but they dismiss His standards.
Some outright reject His standards and His ordained messengers whose very mission is to teach and uphold His standards. Ordained prophets, seers, and revelators teach only absolute truth as revealed and declared by the Lord. As President Russell M. Nelson taught:
“Sometimes we as leaders of the Church are criticized for holding firm to the laws of God, defending the Savior’s doctrine, and resisting the social pressures of our day. But our commission as ordained apostles is “to go into all the world to preach [His] gospel unto every creature.” That means we are commanded to teach truth.
In doing so, sometimes we are accused of being uncaring as we teach the Father’s requirements for exaltation in the celestial kingdom. But wouldn’t it be far more uncaring for us not to tell the truth—not to teach what God has revealed?
It is precisely because we do care deeply about all of God’s children that we proclaim His truth. We may not always tell people what they want to hear. Prophets are rarely popular. But we will always teach the truth!
My dear young friends, exaltation is not easy. Requirements include a focused and persistent effort to keep God’s laws, rigorously repenting when we don’t. But the reward for doing so is far greater than anything we can imagine, because it brings us joy here and “never-ending happiness” hereafter.
Thus our commission as apostles is to teach nothing but truth. That commission does not give us the authority to modify divine law.”
(“The Love and Laws of God,” BYU Devotional, September 2019).
When absolute truth is declared by the mouth of the Lord (either directly or through His chosen servants), it appears that those with different mindsets regarding that specific truth respond as follows:
Celestial mindset: Yes! I will implement this with exactness!
Terrestrial mindset: That’s true, but… (fill in the blank with rationalization for non-implementation).
Telestial mindset: That’s wrong!! (and/ or mocking)
That doesn’t necessarily mean that person IS celestial, terrestrial, or Telestial, nor does it automatically mean that such mindset reveals the final judgment of the kingdom that person will go to. It simply suggests they/ we may have that kind of mindset regarding the specific truth spoken. This pattern of behaviors is not permission to judge or be unkind to others. Rather, it is a self- examination and potential indicator of where our own individual tendencies tend to be. Our comfort level with that which is celestial (ie scriptures, temple worship, sabbath day attendance and observance) may be an indicator of how we are doing in that regard.
Many who have telestial mindsets tend to turn to soothsayers, who teach that there are no standards to be met, so everyone do exactly what they want, for all will receive the same blessings. THIS IS A LIE!
Lasting happiness, even joy, cannot be fully attained without receiving His love via faith in Jesus Christ, repentance, baptism by immersion by one who holds Priesthood authority, and the laying on of hands for the Gift of the Holy Ghost, and then making and keeping HIGHER level standards (in the form of covenants) in the House of the Lord (see “A Higher Joy” by Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf, April 2024 General Conference). Only then can the Lord endow us with power and transform us into celestial beings that can withstand the glory of the Father and receive all that He has.
Brother Bradley R. Wilcox taught, “Christ asks us to show faith in Him, repent, make and keep covenants, receive the Holy Ghost, and endure to the end. By complying, we are not paying the demands of justice—not even the smallest part. Instead, we are showing appreciation for what Jesus Christ did by using it to live a life like His. Justice requires immediate perfection or a punishment when we fall short. Because Jesus took that punishment, He can offer us the chance for ultimate perfection (see Matthew 5:48, 3 Nephi 12:48) and help us reach that goal. He can forgive what justice never could, and He can turn to us now with His own set of requirements (see 2 Nephi 2:7; 3 Nephi 9:20)”
Brother Wilcox further taught:
“I have born-again Christian friends who say to me, ‘You [who belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints] are trying to earn your way to heaven.’
I say, ‘No, we are not earning heaven. We are learning heaven. We are preparing for it (see D&C 78:7). We are practicing for it.’They ask me, ‘Have you been saved by grace?’
I answer, ‘Yes. Absolutely, totally, completely, thankfully—yes!’
Then I ask them a question that perhaps they have not fully considered: ‘Have you been changed by grace?’ They are so excited about being saved that maybe they are not thinking enough about what comes next. They are so happy the debt is paid that they may not have considered why the debt existed in the first place. Latter-day Saints know not only what Jesus has saved us from but also what He has saved us for.
As my friend Brett Sanders puts it, ‘A life impacted by grace eventually begins to look like Christ’s life.’
As my friend Omar Canals puts it, ‘While many Christians view Christ’s suffering as only a huge favor He did for us, Latter-day Saints also recognize it as a huge investment He made in us.’
As Moroni puts it, grace isn’t just about being saved. It is also about becoming like the Savior (see Moroni 7:48).
The miracle of the Atonement is not just that we can live after we die but that we can live more abundantly (see John 10:10). The miracle of the Atonement is not just that we can be cleansed and consoled but that we can be transformed (see Romans 8).
Scriptures make it clear that no unclean thing can dwell with God (see Alma 40:26), but, brothers and sisters, no unchanged thing will even want to.
I know a young man who just got out of prison—again. Each time two roads diverge in a yellow wood, he takes the wrong one—every time. When he was a teenager dealing with every bad habit a teenage boy can have, I said to his father, ‘We need to get him to EFY.’ I have worked with that program since 1985. I know the good it can do.
His dad said, ‘I can’t afford that.’
I said, ‘I can’t afford it either, but you put some in, and I’ll put some in, and then we’ll go to my mom, because she is a real softy.’
We finally got the kid to EFY, but how long do you think he lasted? Not even a day. By the end of the first day he called his mother and said, ‘Get me out of here!’ Heaven will not be heaven for those who have not chosen to be heavenly.
In the past I had a picture in my mind of what the final judgment would be like, and it went something like this: Jesus standing there with a clipboard and Brad standing on the other side of the room nervously looking at Jesus.
Jesus checks His clipboard and says, ‘Oh, shoot, Brad. You missed it by two points.’
Brad begs Jesus, ‘Please, check the essay question one more time! There have to be two points you can squeeze out of that essay.’ That’s how I always saw it.
But the older I get, and the more I understand this wonderful plan of redemption, the more I realize that in the final judgment it will not be the unrepentant sinner begging Jesus, ‘Let me stay.’ No, he will probably be saying, ‘Get me out of here!’ Knowing Christ’s character, I believe that if anyone is going to be begging on that occasion, it would probably be Jesus begging the unrepentant sinner, ‘Please, choose to stay. Please, use my Atonement—not just to be cleansed but to be changed so that you want to stay.’
The miracle of the Atonement is not just that we can go home but that—miraculously—we can feel at home there. If Christ did not require faith and repentance, then there would be no desire to change. Think of your friends and family members who have chosen to live without faith and without repentance. They don’t want to change. They are not trying to abandon sin and become comfortable with God. Rather, they are trying to abandon God and become comfortable with sin. If Jesus did not require covenants and bestow the gift of the Holy Ghost, then there would be no way to change. We would be left forever with only willpower, with no access to His power. If Jesus did not require endurance to the end, then there would be no internalization of those changes over time. They would forever be surface and cosmetic rather than sinking inside us and becoming part of us—part of who we are.” (“His Grace is Sufficient,” BYU Devotional, July 2011).
President Dallin H. Oaks proclaimed, “The Apostle Paul taught that the Lord’s teachings and commandments were given that we may all attain ‘the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ.’ That process requires far more than acquiring knowledge. It is not even enough to be convinced of the gospel; we must act so that we are converted by it. In contrast to other preaching, which teaches us to know something, the gospel of Jesus Christ challenges us to become something” (“Kingdoms of Glory,” October 2023 General Conference).
Some people suggest that standards ought to be lowered in order to be more “inclusive.” However, doing so is actually exclusive because it then excludes those wanting to “level up” and attain eventual perfection through Jesus Christ. It is important to be inclusive by loving and showing kindness to all while also inclusive in the sense that all are welcome to lift themselves up to the higher standard if they would like to attend, belong, and receive the rewards for living said standards.
Those unwilling to have their needs met by Christ and uphold His standards often turn to counterfeit forms of gratification that mask themselves as love.
Some people turn to counterfeit “saviors” in the form of certain energy healing modalities that claim to release people from guilt (which only the repentance process via the Atonement of Jesus Christ can do). While some modalities can help people heal from shame and the physical effects of guilt, actual guilt (which is a warning from the Lord that we have need to rectify our behavior, repent, and ask for forgiveness) can only be released by He who has no guilt. I have personally witnessed many people turn their backs on the Lord, leave the Church, and be led astray; their energy healing modalities replaced Jesus Christ in their lives, thus becoming their new false “god.” Beware of those ‘healers’ who attempt to take the place of Jesus Christ and profess to have the ability to release guilt without the repentance process! And beware of the temptation to think you no longer need Jesus Christ or His Gospel! Always remember the very first of the Ten Commandments is “Thou shalt have no other gods before Me” (Exodus 20:3).
When those who have turned to counterfeit “saviors” don’t have their actual needs met, some then turn to demands. They begin to demand that not only their needs be met but also their desires. When this doesn’t happen, they increase the intensity of their demands by throwing temper tantrums, attempting to manipulate and deceive others, and seeking to tear others down to give themselves the illusion of power, status, and gain. While, again, such things may bring temporary gratification, none of these will fill their actual need for actual love.
The ultimate example of this is the adversary. In the premortal world, He demanded that God give him His status and glory without respecting God’s standard of agency:
“And I, the Lord God, spake unto Moses, saying: That Satan, whom thou hast commanded in the name of mine Only Begotten, is the same which was from the beginning, and he came before me, saying—Behold, here am I, send me, I will be thy son, and I will redeem all mankind, that one soul shall not be lost, and surely I will do it; wherefore give me thine honor.
But, behold, my Beloved Son, which was my Beloved and Chosen from the beginning, said unto me—Father, thy will be done, and the glory be thine forever.
Wherefore, because that Satan rebelled against me, and sought to destroy the agency of man, which I, the Lord God, had given him, and also, that I should give unto him mine own power; by the power of mine Only Begotten, I caused that he should be cast down”
(Moses 4:1-3).
Later, while in the Garden of Eden, he threw a temper tantrum and claimed he would “… reign with blood and horror on this earth!”
Did God, even our Heavenly Father, give in to his demands? No!
Did God lower His standards under the premise of showing unconditional love and not judging? No!
Did God try to coddle him by giving him the blessings only reserved for the faithful, even though he was unwilling to keep God’s standards? No!
What was God’s response?
One simple word: “Depart!”
We now live in a telestial world. As President Jeffrey R. Holland put it, “That is spelled with a t, not a c” (“Be Ye Therefore Perfect- Eventually,” October 2017 General Conference). In this world, we will encounter all kinds of people with all kinds of mindsets. While it is important that we unconditionally love all and reserve judgment for the Lord, that does not mean we need to hold space for those who seek to destroy, even in our own personal lives. It is important to understand what Jesus actually meant when He taught “But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you” (Matthew 5:44).
Loving our enemies does not mean putting up with abuse, nor does it mean giving in to the demands and tantrums of those who wish to destroy!
As the Church has taught, “Forgiveness doesn’t mean putting up with getting hurt. You can be a forgiving person and still set boundaries. … As President Jeffrey R. Holland put it, the Lord “did not … say, ‘In order to forgive fully, you have to reenter a toxic relationship or return to an abusive, destructive circumstance.’ So don’t be afraid to set some boundaries! That means saying no to activities and people who hurt you. Instead, say yes to those who inspire and build you up. You deserve kindness and respect” ( See “Forgiveness doesn’t mean putting up with getting hurt.” ).
President Holland further taught, “We have to be careful that love and empathy do not get interpreted as condoning and advocacy or that orthodoxy and loyalty to principle not be interpreted as unkindness or disloyalty to people. As near as I can tell, Christ never once withheld His love from anyone, but He also never once said to anyone, ‘Because I love you, you are exempt from keeping my commandments.’ We are tasked with trying to strike that same sensitive, demanding balance in our lives” (“The Second Half of the Second Century,” BYU Devotional, August 2021).
Giving into the demands of those seeking to destroy (on either side of the veil) is not a form of love. Rather, it simply rewards and reinforces their negative behavior and drives them further away from Jesus Christ.
While the world demands that the Lord lower His standards, and worldly organizations (including some worldly churches) may do so, the Lord’s Church, even The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints never gives in to demands to lower its standards. Rather, it holds fast to the standards and truth declared by the Lord Himself.
Therefore, what?
Because we live in such a complex world with such a variety of complex people, how can we recognize and differentiate between an actual need, a desire, and a demand?
My personal answer? Ask clarifying questions.
When actual needs are identified, meaning someone is trying to “level up” and find higher forms of truth, consider the following 7-step formula:
- Listen
- Validate
- Apologize (even if you’ve personally done no harm to them; a simple “Wow, I’m so sorry! That must be really difficult” can do wonders to open hearts)
- Thank them for expressing themselves/ sharing their point of view
- Express alternate point(s) of view, possible solutions for their problems, ways to fill their needs, and/or correction, when appropriate via permission and/or stewardship (do NOT skip the first 4 steps; jumping to step 5 closes hearts rather than opening them)
- Thank them again
- Express love
When demands or intentions to tear down/ destroy are uncovered after multiple opportunities to “choose in” and to respect standards are blatantly rejected, hold fast to standards! DO NOT LISTEN TO, ENTERTAIN, VALIDATE, OR APOLOGIZE FOR BLATANT FALSEHOODS OR INTENTIONS TO DESTROY! When appropriate, cast them out of your life. And yes, this may involve leaving relationships and choosing to love some people who break your trust from a total distance, for as Elder Paul B. Pieper of the Seventy taught, “A relationship forms only when people are willing to place trust in each other. It is not a relationship if one person trusts completely but the other does not” (“Trust in the Lord,” April 2024 General Conference).
Doing so can then free up space and energy for genuine friends to come into our lives that will help us hold fast to the iron rod and, eventually, partake of the fruit of the tree of life (see “Hold Fast to the Rod” and 1 Nephi 8).
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