8 Things Women Wish Men Understood
My friends are always complaining that they can not understand women. I am no exception, the more I dated, the less I felt like I understood women. So I decided in an effort to understand women better, I would start asking all the women I know, what we as men can do better.
When I asked, "What can we do better at?" I was expecting something that I did not understand. But not only did I understand, but I also agreed with basically everything I was told. I decided these guidelines were valuable enough that I wanted to share them with you. Here they are. (Note, because these things are what women told me, it is written from a woman's perspective)
Stick up for me.
A little teasing is ok. But when we are in a group and everyone is teasing me... Deep down inside I am praying that you will stand up for me. I am praying that you will tell them to knock it off. I want to know that you care about how I feel. Take away my doubt, stand up for me, if nothing else it will show me you care.
"PDA" What is ok.
I may not be a fan of "public displays of affection"... But I do not want to be disowned when we are in public together. If we are dating, it is ok to hold my hand in public. It is ok to show people we are together. I am ok with and enjoy the little displays of affection as they remind me you care.
Value time with me.
Spend time with me. You can put down that controller, or your phone while I am with you. I promise I will do the same. Place greater value on me than games or texts, I may not always express it but when you value your games more than me it hurts. Games are not bad but ignoring me hurts.
"Bro's" are ok.
It is ok to have friends. I have friends also. But please be loyal. When you talk about me, treat me like a lady. Do not degrade me in front of your friends, I promise I will not either. It is important to have time to spend with others. I do not mind that you want to do things with the bro's. I know you value me by your actions, and if I feel valued I am totally ok with you spending time with the bro's. Go ahead enjoy a guys night with good clean fun. I also need time with my friends! They do say "absence makes the heart grow fonder."
Please be a man.
When I see you acting like a man, it makes me proud that we are together. When I see you stick up for someone who needs help. Or even the simple acts of opening a door, paying for dinner, giving me flowers. Those simple acts go a long way to reminding me why to me, you are the gentleman I want in my life. And true men never talk down to or hurt ladies. It is as simple as that. True men bring out the best in us.
Be Honest.
Honesty is the best policy, but just because it is honest does not mean it needs to be said, being tactful a valuable art! Being honest with me allows me to trust you. I would rather hear the truth, no matter how inconvenient, than to be lied to and find out another way. I promise to value honesty enough to be willing to accept the truth. When you promise something, mean it, I will do the same. But if this dress does make me look fat, it still is a bad idea to say that.
(As my adopted mom put it. "We are all big kids, pull the band-aid off fast. No one wants it to come off slowly.")
It is ok to express yourself.
I want to know you, the real you. Be yourself, not your best friend Russ, or your good friend Austin. I want to know you. After all, do you want me to love you or your friend? When it comes to emotions, it is ok to tell me how you feel. You do not have to do it alone, I am here for you.
Also, tell me "I love you", but more important than just the words "I love you", show me that you care. Learn my love language, I will learn yours so you can show me that you love me. When I can feel your love, doubt is swept away. It may not be the "normal" thing for you, and our love languages may be different. But if you love me, learn to express your love to me.
Listening is how you show your love.
Listening is one of the best ways to show me that you mean it when you say "I love you." But, listening takes a lot more effort than you would think. It means paying attention to what I say when I say something. Then later on, when you act on it, it shows me I am valued. I will also try to listen to you. Real conversations are when our relationship grows more than any other time. Real conversations require both of us to talk, and both of us to listen.
Great post! Loved reading the responses 🙂 It all boils down to RESPECT! 🙂
That was such a good read! I think guys need to not worry about "being cool" and be themselves. Girls like it when you are goofy and down to earth! Thanks for showing us girls that guys actually care, and want to date. 🙂
Very good advice. I think guys would like girls to understand basically the same things about them.
I would like to add, do not disregard our feelings and experiences. Some of us have dated at least one really bad guy who was abusive to the girl he dates but great to the guys. Just because he doesn't treat the "bros" like that, doesn't mean he's a gentleman to women. Same thing applies to when a girl has very persistent, borderline stalking guys to worry about in the ward. I had to deal with both types of bad guys in the same ward. It became a deal breaker if the guy I dated told me I was over exaggerating or they stuck up for the guys that hurt/frighten me. Just because a guy is LDS, does not automatically mean they are a good person.
It's very disappointing to me that we live in a society where the opening graphic of this article is considered appropriate. We shouldn't think violence in a relationship is ever "funny."
The point being made (and remember I am a guy). IS that sometimes guys need it smacked into them.
That's exactly the point as I understood it. And I'm saying that your point is extremely ill advised. I assume you don't mean that guys need "it" physically smacked into them. I hope you're using the picture as a sort of metaphorical joke rather than implying that physical violence is actually appropriate. But even as a joke, it's in extremely poor taste. Domestic violence is a very real problem, and it shouldn't be made light of. We shouldn't ever imply that anyone deserves to be "smacked."
Also, I fail to understand why the fact that your a guy is relevant. The picture is inappropriate regardless of your personal gender.
Great list. Guys need to just learn how to be themselves and not try so hard. We pick up on that.
So, after being married for almost 40 years, I can agree with all point but the 'It's ok to express yourself.' You'll find that rather than express yourself when your special person asks for your opinion is that you say 'I'm not sure, what is your opinion.' Once she states her opinion, quickly agree that her opinion makes a lot of sense and move the conversation along to another topic. I found that not having an opinion creates a lot less contention in a marriage ;>)
Blah. I too have been married for a number of years and if my husband agreed with everything I said, if he never voiced his own opinion- I would be bored stiff. The only things my husband and I agree on is the gospel and doing the best for our children. Everything else is up for lots of discussion and different opinions!! What matters is you love and respect each other's different thoughts and views. No sex is right or wrong. We think differently and that should be akbowledged and cherished, or the world would be very boring. A priceless bit of advice: Always have each other's back.
As someone who has been married for over 20 years I disagree with your comment. Each partner has a right to their opinion. I would be severely ticked off if my husband felt he had to cower in our relationship to all of my opinions, bad moods, and whims. That is demeaning to him. Happy wife happy life is a misnomer that should be eliminated from our lexicon. A marriage is not where a man has to give up all his thoughts, opinion,s and beliefs to become his wife. The man should no more have to lie about his opinions than the woman should have to change hers to match his. It goes both ways. So be careful what advice you give to the young 'uns : nothing in the temple sealing ever says he needs to cower to his wife and vice versa.
I dated a girl one time when I was young and she told me she could look in a guy's eyes and could tell what he was thinking and I thought all girls was like that so for the longest time I only dated girls that was cross eye....that's why it took me so long to get married because there's just not that many cross eye girls
We want to be asked.
We want to be pursued.
Ask us out on a date. We'll say yes, promise!
We're tired of always taking the initiative.
False, I got tickets to the BYU football game once, after asking 9 different girls I ended up taking my dad.
And when they were busy for the football game I asked them if they wanted to something else, and then they were like "Your a nice guy, but I am just not in to you"
I'm sorry that happened I always had a 3 date rule the first one was for the man's confidence that if they ask she will say yes the second was for giving it a chance and the third one was to see if the first two dates were really as bad or as good as I thought I pad this on to add many girls as possible so they don't ruin the confidence of so many men trying to get out of thier comfort zone and then being shot down... Not cool!
This is spot on!! I especially appreciate the one about putting down your game controller or phone. My DH is a gamer, and sometimes I really feel like that game he's playing is more important than anything I have to say. 🙂 Thanks for a great post!!
Very good points
Please, be yourself, be yourself, be yourself. If I'm going to spend eternity with you, I want to know what I'm "getting" and I expect to be myself around you to let you know what you're getting. I want someone that can be my friend and someone I can grow old with.
I completely agree with this article and couldn't have said it better myself. I especially loved the point talking about "bro time." I think "bro time" is important, but there needs to be an even balance. Yes, go and have fun with your buddies, but don't leave me in the dust. And if I am brought up in the conversation, you better talk about me the way you would talk about me sitting right there next to you. Along with that, I agree with the the first point made. Stick up for me. Don't let everyone pick on me and don't join in. A little bit of teasing is fine, but know when to stop.
I'm not sure if this is just my experience but women, I feel, have a harder time talking about their significant other with her friends than guys. Guys typically dont talk too much about their girlfriend with the bros (again, my experience). I think they should take their own advice on that.
I would agree with list. At 75, those things are still important to me.
Most of these ideas are as foreign to men as anything else. If you expect perfection out of men, be prepared to have that required of you as well. Most of us have baggage we know not of. It took decades of marriage for me to learn many of these simple things, but if you expect men to have all this down before you get into a relationship, you may be waiting a long time... These are things that women need to teach men. Life is about learning. what is more important is finding a person who is teachable, and being a student of life yourself. Many women expect perfection before they get involved, and are averse to understanding that they are also not quite done yet... Life teaches you all the important lessons. If you are teachable, find someone who is also teachable. Learn together. stop expecting perfection. I am thankful that 40 years ago, my wife did not have these expectations - she was a clueless as I was. Where did I learn these things? From my wife. Not the ex-girlfriends who were all looking for something better. Sadly, Some of them are still looking.
Instead of using these principals as a weapon, or even as a shield, how about accepting them as guidelines and work from there?
I totally agree. Just like everyone, becoming perfect through Christ and His atonement is the ultimate goal. We can't expect that we will be perfect now, just that we try now. This list is exactly what you said: guidelines to help point people in the right direction, not a list of expectations we need to have.
I wish these 2 things were on the list:
Be responsible- Everything in our home and in our relationship isn't my sole responsibility to take care of. It is yours, too. Take responsibility for it and us as a team. Learn what needs to be done and how to take care of things.
Be proactive - Part of being a man means that I don't need to command you in all things. Stop waiting for me to tell you what to do, man up, step up, and do it. Do something if you don't know what to do. It's better to make a mistake trying than to do nothing, because doing nothing out of fear is a bigger mistake.
These two things combined let me know that I am not alone and that you actually care, and notice things beyond yourself.
I so agree with the "be responsible" and "proactive" but they are more evident now that I have been married 23 years with 7 kids. I might be a stay at home mom, but does that really mean everything but bringing home the money is my responsibility? That's a lot of stuff and I feel like I am drowning. We have really grown together but it's a life time work.