My Personal Struggle With Porn: An Open Letter To My Friends.
My Personal Struggle With Porn: An Open Letter To My Friends.
I knew porn was bad. I grew up in Utah Valley the heart of the church. But I had always thought unless you are married, porn will only hurt the person doing it. I was wrong, dead wrong. I still remember the day like it was yesterday. I walked in on my best friend as he was viewing porn on the computer, he quickly exited the web browser hoping that I had not seen what he was watching, but after further questions and opening up the history on the web browser, I confronted him. He broke down, he started crying and begging me not to tell anyone. I told him I would not tell anyone, but that he needed to seek help from the Bishop, which he did.
This event caused me to realize because porn is hurting those I love, porn is hurting me. This also marked the first time I recognized that porn was hurting my loved ones. Since then I've had countless encounters of porn and it's filth attacking those I love. Trying to help those I love has caused porn to become my personal struggle, it caused me to join the war against porn. I've noticed that many people inside, and outside of the Church have joined in the war against porn. But there is something that is hurting us in the war. I have found that our culture is hurting us in the fight against porn in three ways: Shaming, Judging, and a Lack Of Forgiveness.
Shame Leads To Hiding. Bring It To The Light.
We've been taught about the evils of porn so much that too many people it has become something that is a deal-breaker. It is viewed with such distain that instead of the young man who is struggling with porn coming to his parents or bishop for help, he is scared about what will happen. How will his parents react? How will his Bishop react? What about his friends? People in the ward?
We all know porn is bad, but I can't tell you how many young men, and returned missionaries I knew who struggle with porn who are hiding it out of fear of the shaming. Fear of not being able to go on a mission, to the temple, to date and ever find a wife. This fear of shaming has led them into a losing battle because they can't find help, they are afraid those who should be there for them will judge and mock them. Instead of inciting fear in those who need us, let us reach out and let those around us know we will join them in their personal crusade and struggle against porn! Wise are the words quoted by Marion D. Hanks in Conference, April 1979, “Holocausts, are caused not only by atomic explosion. A holocaust occurs whenever a person is put to shame.” ~Abraham Joshua Heschel
Judging. Do We Hate Sin Or The Sinner?
The culture teaches the young women that they deserve a young man who has never indulged in porn. It teaches that if a young man has done it once, he is permanently inclined to porn. There is so much talk of avoiding it we don't address the fact that many young men have screwed up and watched porn. Then what? Do we want them to repent? or hide it? Everyone who has recovered from an addiction to porn will agree, the first step to overcoming porn is admitting there is a problem. Let us create an atmosphere in our families, wards, and stakes, and with our friends, an atmosphere where they know we will not judge them. The Struggle is real...But so is He.
Forgiving Others. Do We Believe In The Atonement Or Not?
Too often we are reliving the story of the debtors, seeking mercy for our own mistakes which often we view as less grievous than the sins of others, that we won't forgive. We forget this important truth about true repentance, our forgiveness is dependent on our forgiving others. If we do not forgive others, we have not repented. "And ye shall also forgive one another your trespasses; for verily I say unto you, he that forgiveth not his neighbor's trespasses when he says that he repents, the same hath brought himself under condemnation." Mosiah 26:31
This past week I was talking to a friend about this topic and he shared this story. "A friend of mine was getting serious with a girl, they had started talking about marriage. He decided that she deserved to know that before his mission he struggled with porn. He had told his Bishop, repented, gone on a mission, and was a worthy Priesthood Honoring and Temple going, member. He no longer struggled with porn but felt that he should be completely honest with the girl he was about to propose to. So he told her of his past, she dumped him the next day."
This story is not unique, it illustrates a problem within the culture, we misunderstand the Atonement. We think His grace is enough for ourselves, but for others who have sinned? We demand works, we demand they pay for the sins that Christ already paid for. We talk a lot about how porn kills love. It is true, porn destroys people and it is a needed warning. But more important than understanding that porn kills love is understanding His love kills porn. The Atonement is real, use it and allow others to use it, Jesus Christ died to heal the soul and repair the damage of any sin can cause. Truly His love kills porn and heals us. I echo the testimony of Boyd K. Packer. "there is no habit, no addiction, no rebellion, no transgression, no apostasy, no crime exempted from the promise of complete forgiveness. That is the promise of the atonement of Christ."
The Atonement is real. And the Doctrine is clearly outlined. You can repent and be completely forgiven by God for any sin. And He can and does heal/cure you.
And remember to be tempted is NOT a sin, Christ was tempted.
Let me leave you with 3 quotes about forgiving others.
“If there be misunderstandings, clear them up, forgive and forget, don’t let old grievances change your souls and affect them, and destroy your love and lives."
~President Kimball
“I can forgive but I cannot forget is another way of saying I cannot forgive.”
~President Kimball
"unless a person forgives his brother his trespasses with all his heart he is unfit to partake of the sacrament."
~President Kimball
This article helped my light grow. Thank you! 🙂
Porn is a terrible thing! It distorts our divine personality and threatens our soul, should we look at it. Seeing porn is not a sin, but entertaining such thoughts can turn us into rapists, murderers, liars, thieves, and more.
That is precisely why we should not shame. We should not blame. If those around us are such people, they need our love. They need kindness. They don't need name-calling. They need us to understand and care. They need help to come out of the darkness and into the light. If we do not forgive them, there remaineth in us the greater sin. And if pornography causes such darkness, then what darkness can a lack of forgiveness cause us!
Forgiveness is the greatest balm there is. It heals all who welcome it in. If we offer our forgiveness to others, then maybe they will seek Divine forgiveness. And if they seek Divine forgiveness to the end, they will be forgiven. And if they are forgiven, then they know that God loves them, and they love Him. What a change that brings!
God is the Father of us all. I testify that He loves all of us, and we are accountable to take care of these people, especially the least of us. "For as ye have done unto the least of these thy brethren, ye have done it unto me."
I have felt this way for several years. There is so much condemnation that it ruins people and relationships.
I have some very real concerns with some of the premises of this article.
First, let me say, in full disclosure, that I am a gratefully recovering addict to lust.
My first big concern is the concept that porn is THE problem. It's not. It is absolutely A problem, but THE problem is LUST. Lust undergirds porn, masturbation, and so much more. Porn is a symptom, lust is the cause. I have attended many PASG ARP meetings where people talk about the "addiction to porn". Mark my words -- if someone is struggling with porn, that person is objectifying humans and lusting. And simply stopping looking at porn (and presumably stopping masturbating, which often, but not always, accompanies porn consumption) does not turn off the mind. In fact, I've heard people say in these meetings that they've "overcome" the addiction to porn, and are now focusing on overcoming the "smaller" problems like "wandering eyes" (in public). This is a miss. If we are not addressing the underlying issue of lust, then we are priming a time bomb for someone to go back to looking at porn and masturbating, because we have not addressed the cause, we've only addressed the symptom.
My next big concern is the concept that someone has "overcome" the addiction. (I'm assuming here that we're talking about addicts, not just someone that's accidentally run across porn once or twice and closed it down quickly.) I'm currently almost 3 years sober, and the notion of being "recovered" (framing it as a discrete event for which a box can be checked) doesn't really make sense. Yes, I haven't looked at porn or masturbated at all during that time, and yes, I have been cautious not to engage in lust during that time. But am I recovered? Recovery, true recovery, is an ongoing, lifelong process of progressive victory over lust. One day at a time. I believe many in the Church believe that if you have stopped looking at porn for a while (some arbitrary number such as 3 months), then that person is "recovered". And those are good milestones that should be celebrated as milestones, not arrivals. But recovery is not measured by not looking at porn. It's measured by a change of heart and mind.
Now let's be careful -- I'm not talking about receiving forgiveness from the Church or from the Lord, I'm talking about addiction recovery, so we can't conflate the two. But I've met MANY church members who had "recovered" from "looking at porn", who turn back to it after 6 months, a year, 2 years, 5 years, whatever. Why? Because they never dealt with lust, they only dealt with the symptom of looking at porn. And it's because we falsely talk about addiction to porn (probably because that's easy to understand), and not the underlying issue of lust. This is why I cringe when I hear our youth talk about how "she's so hot" or "he's so hot." Physical attraction is good and healthy and part of the Plan, but obsession with physical attributes sets the stage for much bigger problems.
And I worry about the story you include about the young man who told his girlfriend about his "previous" problems with porn. What if he never dealt with the lust but had been white knuckling sobriety to get on his mission and stay on his mission? What if his girlfriend was in tune enough with the Spirit where she knew that he may yet struggle (or be struggling) with lust at that time or in the future. I'm not saying she was right or wrong, but we all live with the consequences of our choices.
So, I completely agree with the concepts in this article about not shaming, and not creating stigmas. And that the Atonement heals. But my point is that the healing of the Atonement comes in multiple phases for recovering addicts -- receiving forgiveness is one step, but not the last step. We, as natural men, want to believe that the healing and purification of the Atonement takes place in one fell swoop and in a relatively short period of time, and then we move on with life. But healing the physical mind, which has been changed by days/months/years of engaging in lust, can take a LONG time -- often a life time. And seeking to shortcut that process can and often does lead to relapse. So let's do our addicted brothers and sisters a couple of favors -- don't shame them, love them. And don't require them to be changed in a blink of an eye. It can happen that way, but generally doesn't, and we need to love them through that process, often for years or a lifetime.
Thank you for your feedback and perspective, well said and it carries substance and truth.
I have 3 daughters and have served in many callings with ward young men groups. I feel that finding a marriage partner who has never been exposed to pornography is becoming less and less realistic. I like the approach (somewhat suggested in this post) to seek a partner who is willing to be fully honest about their history and experience with this issue. I coach my daughters to find out the young man's strategy for dealing with it, as well as their experience with repentance and the atonement in general. Not only does this show their ability to handle (what is likely to be) a lifelong temptation, but also reveals their commitment to the gospel and relationship with the Savior.
Thanks for writing this post.
Great letter! "He kills porn!" Best line we never say
I have seen a few articles that speak about porn.
I think that referring to pornography as porn it gives it some kudos, which it does not deserve.
It's like giving it a nickname or a familiarity. Like you might shorten a friends or colleagues name from Michael to Mike or Mick.
Does this resonate with anyone else?
I understand this view, and I try to use the full word whenever I can. Google does limit the number of charters I can use for titles, so that is why I use the short name. It is also the name that most of the younger generation recognize it by.
@Jeremy,
Further to my previous comment, those who take part in pornographic activities are often referred to as porn stars. They are not stars in any way, shape or form.
Those of us who are not in favour of the 'work' they do, should perhaps think of another title for these individuals.
Maybe they should be referred to as pornography participants.
Definitely not stars.
2 Samuel 11 and 11
The story of David and Bathsheba.
Porn isn’t a new sin. For a man or woman to indulge in it without repentance, can lead to devastating consequences.
We as Saints should clear a path in the direction of repentance for our Brothers and Sisters.
Treat this sin like a cancerous tumor, and remove it completely before it grows deeper and will eventually kill you spiritually.