Why Ex-Mormons Can't Leave The Church Alone.
If you have been a member of the church for any amount of time you have run into an interesting phenomenon; members of the church who leave the church and cannot leave it alone. Now I am not talking about the person who has slipped into inactivity but will still admit they know the church is true. I am talking about those who apostatize from The Church and go on to continually attack it.
Recently I was reading over a Facebook post from one of these Ex-Mormons who is always hating on the Church online and talking about how happy they are now that they left the Church, how it is easier, and how they are now guilt-free. I started discussing it with my wife. She asked me why I think Ex-Mormons can/will not leave the Church alone. I responded it is simple. They know that they are wrong.
Truly happy people do not focus on things that make them unhappy. But when someone is unhappy, they consistently complain, moan, and talk badly in hopes of tearing someone down. Think of those in a healthy and happy relationship. Do they continually take to Facebook or blog about how awful their Ex was? No! They are happy and their focus is the thing that makes them happy.
Members who leave the church know that their actions are wrong. Deep inside they feel guilty that they are denying their witnesses from the Holy Ghost and forsaking Christ and His gospel. That guilt is demoralizing. They are faced with two options, have the integrity to admit they are wrong and repent, or lie to themselves and rationalize their actions.
The Boston Marathon, Lehi's Vision, and Apostasy within the Church.
I heard a near-perfect analogy when Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin compared living the gospel to running a marathon. (See the video below) I want to take his analogy and apply it to people leaving the Church and running the Boston Marathon:
You have trained for years to even qualify to run (pre-earth life), you have come to Boston (birth), you have started running the race (joined the church), and then you realize how hard running a marathon really is. So, at mile 16, you quit. You realize that quitting is so much easier than running and you start to rationalize that quitting was the smart thing to do. But there is a problem, your brother also prepared, came to Boston, and ran the race, and he did not quit. At first, you are ok with him running and finishing the race but quickly the guilt of being a quitter starts to eat away at you. You start to badmouth running and your brother in hopes of alleviating the guilt and now anger you feel towards running.
Quickly you realize that your old group of friends, who are runners, are not going to buy into your badmouthing of running; so, you gravitate towards other ex-runners who also hate it. Soon you are in an echo chamber, like those in the great and spacious building, you are all reassuring each other that you are right, you keep saying that running is evil, you all talk about how much easier it is to not go running, and only fools would run a marathon. But every time you see a runner it pricks your conscience and triggers guilt from doing what is wrong, shame from your lifestyle, and anger that they dare find joy in running (living the gospel).
Soon it becomes your quest not just to not run, but to get other runners to quit running too. You start to blog, tweet, and Facebook about how awful running is, it becomes all-consuming. Like those scorning the Saints pressing forward in Lehi's Tree of Life vision, you feed off the apostasy of others. For each runner that you can convince to quit will provide you the momentary satisfaction that you are at least not alone in your misery. The longer this cycle continues the less you remember the joy of running with your brother and friends, till the only memories are jaded memories of everyone being rude, and how awful running felt.
Dealing With the Anti-Mormons
It is important to understand that Anti-Mormons are not honest brokers. They are miserable and they seek that all men might be miserable like unto themselves. Because of this, engaging in dialog with them is not productive and it is actually dangerous as their entire goal is to shake your testimony. You will notice their 'questions' are laced not with earnest seeking, but rather with spite and malice towards God's anointed. It does not matter how many of these 'questions' they have answered they are angry and always have another.
They often will engage in Anti-Mormon tactics to try to carefully lead your soul to destruction. I actually wrote an article exposing 8 Anti-Mormon tactics that Satan uses to attack the Latter-day Saint's; if you see people engaging in one of these tactics it is a red flag! As one who deals with this group of people every day let me say, love them, but do not engage with them. Stand for your faith, but do not debate them on Facebook, do not read their blogs, and do not respond to their comments! You will never convince them that you are right. After all, they are not listening to the Holy Ghost and He is a member of the Godhead!
!["studying the Church only through the eyes of its defectors [is] like interviewing Judas to understand Jesus." Neal A. Maxwell](http://mylifebygogogoff.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/studying-the-Church-only-through-the-eyes-of-its-defectors-is-like-interviewing-Judas-to-understand-Jesus.-Neal-A.-Maxwell.png)
~Neal A. Maxwell
Running Again.
My favorite part of this analogy is that if you quit running, there is no rule saying you can't run again. It will take time and effort, but it will be worth it. Just as Christ is always willing and ready to forgive us if we but confess and forsake our sins. Our role is to love people and be there for when they are ready to run again, to frankly and freely forgive them as Christ does. Paul, Alma the Younger, and W.W. Phelps; Church history is full of prodigal son stories.
That is the promise of the atonement of Christ."
~Boyd K. Packer
I was raised in over 23 different churches growing up, due to a mother who had attended a Bible college in her early 20's, and who spent much of her adult life looking for a church that looked like the Bible. Eventually, she came home and announced that she had found a church that she believed was the one she had been looking for. Over several years, eventually all my immediate family became members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I have now been a member of the church for over 42 years and have raised 7 children in the gospel. In all those years, I have never once attacked any of those 23 churches that I once attended. The reason I have never felt the need to attack any of those churches, is because I found the one church on the earth that is really True and Eternally so. When you find something better, you never feel the need to attack the experiences of your past that have helped you appreciate what you have now and what has helped you become who your are now. The reason Ex-Mormons feel the need to attack the church is because they haven't found something better or Truer. They will forever feel the need to attack their past and attack the Church, as they will never find anything better. I appreciate my past religious experiences and churches that I attended, as those experiences and churches have helped me really appreciate what I have now and who I am now because of those experiences.
That was awesome. So straight forward and practical.
Amen to that Vernon Beazel,spot on,I have been a member of the Church for almost 20 years,I joined 2002 and served mission 2004,married in the Temple 2017,I never put down any of those previous Churches I once were,because they have helped prepared me for this True Gosple,the Fullness of all Truth,I have been offended by some bishops and members,and I could have left the Church long time now,but I know they are just humans and they are not perfect and this is not their Church this is God's Church not the bishop or stake president though I sustained and love all my Church leaders but I dont pray to them I prayed to God,without the Gosple in my life its like my heart stop beating and thats its,without the Gosple.in my life Amen to me lol,the Gosple of Jesus Christ is my only true joy
@Sete kata, thank you! 'Ofa atu ma'u pe tokoua
Vernon, you hit the nail on the head. I too, attended many other churches, and have never once thought of looking back and negating those experiences, or condemning the people that attend and believe in what they are doing. I always feel grateful that other Christians helped me prepare to make progress on my journey of seeking the truth, I have been a member of the Church of Jesus Christ for 40 plus years, and i have never once heard a member decry or condemn another religion. Why? Because they Love God first.
i am grateful for this blog as i have often wondered how i should respond to those who were once faithful members of the church ,but who have apostersized and now bad mouth the church, iv often times felt guilty for not befriending them, but i feel better after reading this blog that im not expected to befriend them but to love them is to pray for them and to be kind to them , but i do not need to debate with them or even listen to them. thanks for this clear and practical blog on the subject.
Part of love IS listening. You may be surprised why they left or was less active. I was and came back. Nothing came be assumed unless you know the real whys not just assumptions. I was so shattered by the nonfactual gossip of a few members znd coming home from R.S. feeling osterisized for speaking up when opiinions instead of doctrine being taught repeatedly. Was always active in my heart and the way I lived and am back active. Never judge why someone goes less active!
@Doreen, It’s hard to deal with those who aren’t living gospel principles, but act as if they are. I’ve been there, and know how it can be to be targeted by their cruelty and mean spiritedness. I’m glad you came back.
The article here is regarding those who leave, then broadcast that they left the church, and aren’t being honest about the church. You didn’t say you were doing that, so he’s not directing this at you. God bless.
Jeremy, this is another excellent article. Thank you so much for sharing this with us.
Trying to discuss things with someone filled with hate simply proves the adage that "A man convinced against his will is of his own opinion still." They aren't interested in truth, so nothing you say will matter. It's best to be pleasant and refused to be baited even while you refuse to back down on your own knowledge of the truth.
Love this so much!
I know there is a scripture which relates that those who were once enlightened and having turned back to the darkness, now actively seek to fight that light, Much like Lucifer, but I cannot recall where I saw it
Hebrews 6:4-6
For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift....if they shall fall away, to renew them unto repentance, seeing they crucify to themselves the Son of God afresh, and put him to an open shame.
Matthew 6:22-23.....if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light....if therefore the light that is in thee be darkness, how great is that darkness.
Such is the darkness of those who have left the church and gone to the great and spacious building that Lehi and Nephi saw!
True Brother, Thank You!
Humility leads me to know the truth, and its hard to deny once you know the Truth, the Holy Ghost, the third God Head member tells us the truth. Once you go against the Truth its just like what says in the scripture " Its a kick against the prick". Humility heals us.....
I agree. Don't just ignore them, be there when they try to come back!
I have a family member who was a faithful member of the church, returned missionary, temple marriage, the whole nine yards. He fell into apostacy. He considers himself an ardent scholar of the Gospel, but uses his “knowledge” to belittle the church and its members, is bitter, argumentative, and refused my eventual refusal to not engage with him in his relentless debates and attacks on the church and our family for being faithful members of the church. Now, despite this, I love him and care for him deeply. Some 30 years later, countless letters back and forth between us, reams and 4” notebooks full of letters and pleadings, countless phone conversations...we have finally reached an uncomfortable truce of sorts. Talk about an ex-mormon who can’t “leave the church alone.” There is much more to this sad story, such as his loss of his two families and two sets of children. It is so sad.
That ex-members attack the Church because they know they are wrong may be one reason for their actions. I think another reason may be that during their time as members their understanding of the restored gospel was highly distorted. Their attacks against the Church are attacks on beliefs they think they were once taught and had. When I hear what they are saying that they were once taught and believed, I agree that I would not want to be associated with such teachings either. What I find most distressing is when false or half-baked doctrine is taught in Relief Society or Elders Quorum meetings that can lead members to end up with self-defeating and corrupting beliefs.
Yes and no. While this can be the case, I think more often it is their memory of what was taught that gets distorted. Those that reject the truth have the truth they already have taken away from them.
All I can say is "Ditto". We have sincere and loving friends in other churches. And sometimes I am a little lax in studies, or being as kind as I could be, and may have a slip of the tongue or two. I know when to ask for forgiveness because repentance to me is an ongoing thing. I am not now or ever have been even near perfect, but I'll never give up striving as Jesus Christ has tried and still tries to teach us to be, like Him.
I know that God saved my life..i mightnot like some people but I love Jesus and thank him for whathe did
I really love this blog it made me realize a lots of things. Thank you so much
Herbert Spencer (I believe he was an American) once said "There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
I am sure that most LDS would accede to that idea , otherwise there would be no "investigators" would there.? I found that one of the foundational doctrines is that all other churches were apostate and without warrant and that the LDS was the only true church. In the Temple ceremony the paid ministers were described as "the hirelings of Satan." (This has been changed.) I therefore find it strange that adherents are not genuinely curious as to why fellow LDS have seen fit to depart, especially some who have long been members. Heaping scorn on those who have, in most cases, found it very difficult to leave is not at all helpful. I recognise that most LDS are sincere and good people but by not being able to receive information or genuine questions they cut themselves off.
@Peter Mills, sincere questions are questions asked in the spirit of hoping for an answer. When no answer is desired or could possibly be accepted by the asker if it means the church is true, that is by definition not a sincere question. If the information is inaccurate, from a dubious source, or has been refuted on multiple occasions, it isn´t useful. When confronted with such information, I refer folks to fairlatterdaysaints.org. It contains answers to the questions typically asked by doubters and context for the information that generally leads to doubt. Information presented without context is often more deceptive than lying.
@Peter Mills, And your problem with teaching The Great Apostasy is?
Great article. Just to say Doctrine does not change. Some procedures change, e.g. Once only Levites held the priesthood, not so today. Len Walker, Rhyd Ammaon, Wales.
they can't leave the church alone like you said, also they know this is the only true church on the face of this planet. they make mistakes and they blame the church, sorry, sorry people, think again before complain. good luck. you might find answer soon.
I would really like to read this without all spam attached, anyone know how I can do that?
I emailed you a hard copy.
Perhaps a simpler view. Having children who have left the Church, It is about the power that the “evil one” has over his Domain. Once his evil powers control a life, for a season, it trumps good and righteousness and so the slippery slope begins and with his evil brings rage and fury. We are warned how our free agency can be taken away by our wrong choices. But because they have been taught and we know Heavenly Fathers promise, in His time they will be shown their errors. Evil demands and consumes all. Personal knowledge and experience leads to understanding and then the repentance process …. Is my pray.
I'm not sure how I ended up on your page, because I'm not a member of your church. While reading your article, in my mind I replaced your church with mine. It really helped me put into words some tough feelings I've been having about my son who has strayed and been attacking our faith. We raised him to be a good scientologist, but in recent years he has left but, as you said, can't leave it alone. I think you are right, he knows he left the truth and that is why he can't leave it alone. He is now miserable because he Is now seeing a psychiatrist (against his up upbringing) and he hasn't done an auditing session in so long. Like you said, he is miserable and wants everyone else to be miserable with him. I think Leah Remini is to blame in part for this, have you heard of her? She is just so hateful, I don't know why she needs to lead people away. I hope your church doesn't have somebody like her, it's just a shame. But she'll be back someday, she knows it's the truth, and we'll accept her with open arms.
I hope my comment isn't unwelcome here, I know we don't have the same religion but your words rang so true I couldn't help but comment.
I served part of my mission in the Mesa, Arizona mission. When tracting, we met many former members of the church who would smugly say "I found out for myself that the Church is not true," enjoying the shocked & confused look this would cause to come across missionaries faces. I had one companion, Elder Rose, who taught me how to respond. He'd say "What isn't true? The law of chastity, the word of wisdom or the law of tithing?" Every time we'd see the smug look drain from their faces, as they felt the truth in their hearts; it wasn't the gospel that wasn't true, but they who weren't true to the gospel.
Leaving for me was not easy! I desperately have wanted a loving god to be real as I fear death and want more than anything to continue living and see my loved ones after this life. When I stopped believing I would have panic attacks at the thought of death. I also loved the community that I had! Leaving for me was not easy! In the end I saw the church as something similar to old greek mythology and it feels utterly impossible to see it otherwise. It is hard for me to read articles like this because I feel like my experience is diminished. I want others to know that the truth is not always black and white and lots of times it can be very complex.
I think it is fair to say that my reasoning behind wanting others to feel the way I do is because the truth is what sets us free. It is because without truth I don't feel like we can progress properly. It is because I believe I have felt unnecessary guilt, along with so many others in the church. I am happy now and I was happy within the church. I like to think that I can take the good in my life and leave the bad or untrue things and continue to progress.
For me many times life felt much easier with the idea of the mormon god being true. Again I desperately wish I knew there was a loving god. Existentially its hard for me to reconcile death and I don't feel like it is fair to say that living a life outside the church is easier! I don't write any of this for contentious reasons, I write it in hopes that people will have a better understanding of some of the experiences people like me go through in hopes to create a better dynamic between those who have left and those who haven't.
@cuyler, I can appreciate your experience and have some family members who decided to quietly drift away from the church over the years. They have their reasons and I still love them. However, I don't think this article was trying to describe sincere folks like you and those family members. It's rather about those who choose to change paths and then feel compelled to actively criticize what they once believed and openly mock those who still belong to the church. Best wishes to you.
Church members that are active and have a testimony know that the winning factor doesn't depend on the best argument, but on a strong testimony. A testimony is based on having received revelation from God about the truth you have found in the gospel of Jesus Christ. Therefore they are wasting their time arguing about it and you just need to be an example to them by steadying the course with love and kindness. It is their decision to reject the gospel. They have 3 choices: try to block the Holy Ghost, fight against the church and it's members and be even more bitter or be true to themselves and come back into the fold. They are the ones in control of their destiny.
Your analogy of the marathon is true in some cases but there are also some who quit the race because they get injured along the way. A runner my twist an ankle or pull a hamstring and be forced to stop running. I know a few ex members who experienced an injury at church. They were mistreated in some way or got tripped up on a point of doctrine that they could not reconcile. Some pull a spiritual muscle when they find out about events in church history that seem contrary to what they had been taught. These "runners" feel left behind and abandoned. Maybe they were unprepared for the race, granted, but as fellow marathon runners we should bear them up until they are strong enough to finish on their own. For these dear brothers and sisters bashing the church can be therapeutic for them. They have so much anger that venting is how they cope. I quit a job one timenbecausecI felt that I had been treated unfairly by management.I was angry and I was hurt. I lashed out by telling others how bad the job was and gave the company a terrible review online. Until I finally got over my anger I could not leave that company alone. I needed closure; and until I got it I was bitter. And let's be honest, there is not one of us who is a member who is not one step away from quitting. If we do not prepare ourselves the days are now upon us as President Nelson warned that it will be impossible to survive spiritually without the constant and sustaining influence of the Holy Ghost.
Thank you for this great article. A lot of meanness toward things, not just in the church, is a personal reaction to try and justify one's own actions, and as you said, recruit others to that thinking. I think another aspect is that once one has made covenants with God and turns against them, this reaction is even greater.
Joseph Smith taught that when someone joins the church, they leave neutral ground forever, and if they leave, it is at the instigation of the Adversary and they will fight against the Saints.
I was born and raised in the Church, and so were my parents and immediate family. But, so many of my extended families are Methodist or Catholic. They have never said anything bad about the Church, neither to persuade me or my family away from it. If anything, they are always respectful and supportive towards our beliefs, and so are we to theirs. It's always my ex-Mormon friends and families that are antagonistic.