9 Things The Good Guys Wished Women Understood
9 Things The Good Guys Wished Women Understood
After the popularity of my article "8 Things Women Wish Men Understood" I keep having guys ask me. "When will you tell our side of the story?" So here is the "good guys" side of the dating story.
Much can be said about the immaturity of men, and how men are pigs. From my experience and the experience of my sisters, many guys are. But there are good guys, we are not perfect but we try. We often get thrown out with the bathwater in terms of generalizations; like that all men are pigs. I will say 95% of guys give the other 5% of us a bad name. I want to let you have a glimpse into how the "good guys" feel! Here are 9 Things the "Good Guys" Wished Women Understood.
1st. It is not about Sex.
Let me start here. For the good guys, it is not about sex, sure every guy has a desire to have sex, but that's the difference between the nice guys and the bad boys; we control our desires and are not sex-obsessed pigs. We desire a relationship, and ultimately we want a family. We do not get married to have sex, and we do not date for it either.
2nd. We think differently.
Every guy will admit it, we don't understand women. But women don't understand us either. That is because we think differently, the first step to better communication is learning how we communicate and how we think. We talk directly. If we ask a question, we are seeking the answer to that question. An Example. "Where would you like to eat tonight?" We ask because we would like a straight reply like. "Panda Express." Or if you don't care, as long as it is not Taco Bell then say that. "I don't really care, as long as it is not Taco Bell" Saying. "I don't care" when you really do, puts us in an impossible spot to read your mind.
3rd. Asking you on a date is hard.
The courage it takes to ask a beautiful girl on a date is far more than I ever thought it would be. It is one of the scariest things I've ever done. And yes, if I am asking you on a date I think you are beautiful. And honestly, for every good guy that asks you on a date, there are probably 2-5 that just have not worked up the courage yet.
4th. Girls... I am just asking you on a date, not to be my girlfriend or marry me.
Seriously, I just want to take you bowling or to go on a hike. I am not asking you to commit to a relationship or to marry me when I ask you on a date. I find you attractive, and I am asking you on a date because I want to get to know you better. If it sounds fun, give it a chance.
5th. I understand school is a priority, I am not asking you to drop out.
I can't tell you how many times I have asked a girl on a date only to get the reply "I am too busy with school, I do not have time to date." We understand you're busy, so are we, but you can take 30 minutes and grab a bite to eat with us.
6th. Being nice is being honest.
In the quest to be nice please do not lie to us. Being nice is giving us a shot, but not lying to us. If you don't want to go on a second date tell us. Don't lead us on, and please don't lie to us. We look for honest girls. If you lie to us, it shows us that you are not a good girl that we would want and deserve. Lying makes you less attractive, and honesty makes you more attractive. It is never nice to lie, and it hurts us more than the truth. Truth hurts, but if you are honest with me, I'll accept it. Honesty can and will hurt. But it is the only path that leads to happiness.
7th. Beauty.
A lot of girls think that their beauty is a weight or a dress size it is not, beauty comes from within. You don't need to be size 0. Honest if you are trying that is good enough for us. That effort makes you attractive.
We wished the same apply to guys. One of the most frustrating parts of the dating culture is the double standard of physical beauty. If a guy says "I don't like her because she's fat" that guy is a pig. If a girl does not like him because he is not muscular it is understandable, and she will often be told she deserves a guy like she wants. My sister was once told. "Before you judge a man on his looks, remember he does not wear makeup."
8th. We hate the dating game.
If you like me, treat me with respect don't tell me "no" and then expect a chase. If you don't like me tell me. But this dating game of "chase me" or the "mystery" is a joke. If we are asking you on a date it means we see something in you that we like. If we ask you on a second date it means we like you. We are not always the best at explaining our feelings, but when we tell you something we mean it. To the good guys, our signs of affection are a big deal, we don't give them out to anyone. We hate the dating game and all the dating rules. We want to be ourselves and find someone who will love us for who we are.
9th. Character vs Physical.
A false idea that I hear over and over again is guys want the perfect girl. Good guys recognize that what we are looking for is potential and progression and not perfection. We realize yes, physical attraction is important, but if you are ugly on the inside no amount of makeup can cover that up. Yes, I want to be physically attracted to the girl, if I was not I would not be able to work up the courage to ask her on a date. But far more important than looks is their character. Who they are, and how they treat others is what makes you most attractive and beautiful. If love is built on the only physical attraction it will fail as our bodies are guaranteed to decay. Whereas if you love their soul, you can grow together. Wise words in regards to love were once spoken: “Choose your love; love your choice.” Thomas S. Monson.
Best piece I have ever read. ..thx for sharing. Will help us understand better to work on our future relationships.
I am sorry to say that it is likely that you are wrong about #1, and maybe #7 and #9 as well. There are many good LDS men who are watching and addicted to pornography, and are objectifying the women that they date, and then continuing on in their addiction after marriage and lying to and mistreating their wives. I had no idea about the prevalence of this problem among LDS men until I learned that my husband has a sexual addiction last year--since then I have become a part of a community of thousands of LDS women who are going through the same thing.
50% of all Christian men and 20% of all Christian women say they are addicted to pornography. (Studies actually show between 50-70% of men and 25-35% of women). "We suspect that the LDS community is not any different from the rest of society when it comes to prevalence or magnitude of sexual addictions." - Dan Gray, in LDS Church News "The silent sin: enslavement of pornography" Nov 2003
Either you are one of the likely minority of LDS men who don't have a problem with this (if so, how lucky you are and good for you), or you are hiding behind the truth with this article.
Within dating if they are objectifying women they are not being a good guy.
If they are struggling with porn and are seeking help and working on overcoming it; they are a good guy.
IF THEY ARE NOT working on over coming it, then they are not being a good guy.
Your categories of 'good' and 'bad' guys are neither true nor helpful. Many LDS men with this addiction serve faithfully in their callings. I know women whose husbands with sex/lust addiction who have served as branch presidents, bishops and members of stake presidencies, all while secretly acting out their addictions. They do many good things, while suffering from a serious illness and committing serious sins. While in the throes of addiction, they can't help but to objectify women. It's a natural consequence of pornography use.
If you don't know of anyone with these problems, think of why that may be. Addiction thrives in isolation and secrecy. These brothers and sisters may desperately want to be free of their addictive behavior, but by being honest, they may be seen as "bad," "sickos,"."losers," or any number of other shaming labels. Our shaming culture labels people instead of their actions, which makes them afraid of reaching out for help.
What about the guy who has been viewing porn occasionally for years, who goes to his well-meaning but untrained bishop, is told by that bishop that he doesn't have an addiction and that he just needs to pray more, study his scriptures more, fast more, and go to the temple more regularly? What if he tries those things but eventually gets pulled back in to addictive behaviors because he has not been given the tools for recovery? What if he gives up hope and continues to look at porn and keep it a secret from those closest to him? Is he a bad or good guy?
I am sorry if these comments seem to be an attack on you or your article. That is not my intention. My intention is to call out stuff that I see as perpetuating dangerous myths in the LDS culture. Myths that are destroying people, marriages, and families. Myths like "good guys can control their desires." Because truthfully, there are a lot of good guys out there who can't. It's likely that a huge number of LDS men do not fit your definition of a "good guy"-- probably the majority of LDS guys if the experts in this subject are correct. We're talking up to, and perhaps more than, 2/3 LDS men and an ever growing number of women. Nevertheless they are men who are sons of God, who have amazing potential, and who want to do the right thing. Instead of assuming that our dates or spouses are "good" because, on the surface, their lives seem to align with gospel principles, we need to start having some hard conversations. Conversations that start with, "When did you last see pornography, and what did you do when you saw it?" Because we've all seen it.
We need to also get rid of the pervasive belief that people who sin are bad people. That creates shame and shame is the root of all addiction.
What if a guy is working on getting into Recovery from pornography but withholds that information? Is that still a "good guy" in your book?
I think the first step to any relationship is Honesty. My dad always taught me, "If you have to hide something, or sneak it is probably not right."
I don't think we need to be too technical about that good and bad guy label. We know what's good, we know what's bad already. We can appear to be like this but in really, no. The author is just trying to make a definition so we could understand his point.
Nice article though, enjoyed reading it all. So relatable and pretty much gives us a bit understanding and reminders. Thanks!
Cool dude!
In this article, Jeremy talks about "9 things that good guys wish women understood". Females tempted to have generalizations about men all the times, that all guys are the same, they all just want one thing when dating a girl which is sex. which it's not even true because there are some good guys out there looking for thing serious. Also, Most females think that when a guy asks her out it's because of her physical appearance. That not true because in the article it says that a good guy doesn't ask a girl out because of her physical appearance. He asks her out because he is attracted by her inner beauty.
I think most of the stuff that was said in this article are true. Becuase most of the good guys get rejected because, girls think they're pigs, they are not looking for anything serious or just trying to waste their time. I personally believe that there is still some good guys out there, it just takes time and patients to find the right one.
Nice try! These people HAVE to go a long way to discredit good guys ( throw them into that "nice guy" barrell ) who may be just introverted, not that outgoing, do NOT feel entitled, do NOT blame others for their problems, do respect women and do NOT expect sexual favors for changing a doggone tire ( need I go on?). Where is this great need to discredit guys who live that way? They are good men and should be CELEBRATED and not DENIGRATED! Wake up, people!
The only thing in this article I disagreed with was at the beginning where it says that "95% of guys give the other 5% a bad name." I don't believe for one second that 95% of the guys women meet are pigs. I think it's the other way around. My husband isn't a pig, his friends aren't pigs, I had guy friends before getting married that weren't pigs. My dad and my father in law aren't pigs, neither are my brothers or brothers in law. I've worked with men in jobs, school, and in church, who were not pigs. I honestly think that most guys out there are "good guys" we just talk so much about the "bad" ones that they seem to be the only ones we ever run into. Other than that, good article! Spot on.
Ya it was an exaggeration. From my experience most people are good.
I've been working for 10 months on reconciling my 23 year marriage with my husband who I've known for 30 years. I got a DVPO because of his severe manipulative psychological abuse was getting worse and the stress turned into anxiety, then Panic Disorder and PTSD (all diagnosed). We have been estranged for over a year now. I am shocked at how all the people I've talked to say they are experiencing some level of mistreatment by their husbands...all but one! The men live in denial about how they are mistreating their wives and the wives live in denial just to survive. It's just not right. How can we change this?
You want a good marriage? Work at making your self a better husband. That puts a clear focus on your desire for a good marriage.
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The article was written long ago, but I wanted to put my oar into the conversation. A LONG time ago when I was in college, I was sick of the dating game. A co-worker asked me out but I knew he didn't have LDS standards (he invited me to toga party) and I told him no. He accepted it, though he was bummed out by it. Here is my advice (an adapted quote by Oscar WIlde): A coward kills love with a kiss, the brave man uses a sword."
I think this has a lot of merit. You did a great job explaining a lot, and I have shared your article with others. Men and women simply think differently. It's nice to have some insight. I know in my own personal experience boys and men who can be classified as good/bad guys. I know a man with a heart of gold that suffers from serious addiction and mental health challenges that have caused struggles with those he loves most. It doesn't make him any less of a good guy in any way shape or form. I also personally have known bad guys who think that just because a woman pays with cash that automatically makes her a stripper (I'm a teacher.) while he looks her up and down like he's mentally undressing her. Yes, I had a jerk (I hesitate to call him a man.) call me that while I was standing in line at Walmart paying with cash that was out of my husband's tips from work. He was very vocal about it-so vocal that those standing behind him were looking uncomfortable, though no one spoke up in my defense other than myself. I have gone through life being objectified by boys and men simply because of how I look. I don't count the objectifiers as good guys, but I know some good guys who seriously struggle with addiction and do try to keep it under control and are getting help. They are still good guys. They are amazing. It's those who are like the jerk from Walmart that are the "bad" guys in my personal opinion. That, of course, is just my opinion.
I want to add #10: Men don’t want to hear about your prior love interest’s. If the relationship has gotten serious you might need to clear the plate so he can make eternal decisions but until then don’t share all the make out session you have had. It’s mean.