Why The Worst Dating Advice We Give Is: "Only Marry A Returned Missionary."
Bad dating advice is as common as the flu during the winter. I've gotten all sorts of awful dating advice, but one takes the cake above all else. "Only marry an RM." This the worse dating advice one can give a YSA. Not because serving a mission is bad, in a matter of fact, every able-bodied young man has been commanded to serve a mission! It is dangerous for many reasons, I will focus on three of them.
*Disclaimer, I loved my mission in New England and I highly recommend serving a mission. I learned so much about marriage and family relationships while teaching others about eternal families. President Hinckley taught that serving a mission is also one of the best ways to prepare for marriage.
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1st. Serving a mission does not signify whether or not you are a good person.
I am going to start with the elephant in the room. I will be the first to say it, not all returned missionaries are righteous and upstanding members of the church. One of my own companions has already left the church. And on the flip side, there are some really good guys who are not able to serve missions.
Then you have Sister Missionaries. Unlike the brethren, sisters are not under a prophetic command to serve. When I lived in Charleston SC, I had the chance to teach my coworkers with amazing Sister Missionaries. I know some amazing sisters who have chosen to serve. And I know many amazing sisters who have not served a mission. It is totally an unrealistic requirement to think that a girl needs to serve a mission.
Serving a mission does not signify whether or not you are a good person. How you treat others does. Remember, President Monson did not serve a mission, he is still a pretty good guy right? President Hinckley told the men of the church to prepare and live worthy of the girl they will someday marry, he said:
"She will wish to be married to someone who loves her, who trusts her, who walks beside her, who is her very best friend and companion...She will wish to be married to someone who loves the Lord and seeks to do His will."
Gordon B. Hinckley
2nd. Spirituality can't be judged by a title, even RM.
When I lived in the Bible Belt everyone I worked with was a non-member. Something that was odd was how often they would ask me to date either their daughter, sister, or best friend. One time I was confused and told them, "I am a Mormon, you're Baptist?" The reply was "But you love God." It struck me, they really cared about someone's spiritual life.
When I moved back to Utah, I realized that often times the "RM" checkbox replaces caring about someone's spirituality. Spirituality cannot, and should not, be judged by a title, be it RM, Elders Quorum President or Relief Society President.
Personal spirituality and loyalty to God are the most important attribute and characteristic to look for in your future spouse. Everything in your relationship hinges on this one aspect of their character. If they are not loyal to God, covenants will be broken and heartache will follow.
Rather than judging their spiritual strength off the RM checkbox, find out if they are loyal to God. Ask yourself, do they love Him? Even more than me? Do they honor their covenants and promises? Do they Home/Visit Teach? These are the most important questions.
“Do not expect perfection in your choice of a mate. Do not be so concerned about his physical appearance and his bank account that you overlook his more important qualities. Of course, he should be attractive to you, and he should be able to financially provide for you. But, does he have a strong testimony? Does he live the principles of the gospel and magnify his priesthood? Is he active in his ward and stake? Does he love home and family, and will he be a faithful husband and a good father? These are qualities that really matter.”
Ezra Taft Benson
3rd. Serving a mission is not a requirement to be temple worthy.
Nowhere in the Temple recommend interview are you going to be asked, "Did you or your spouse serve a full-time mission?" There are many who can't serve missions who are temple worthy, and there are many returned missionaries who are no longer worthy of a temple recommend. It is far more important to find someone who loves the temple, someone who will keep their covenants than it is to find an RM.
Ask yourself, how do they view the Temple? Do they keep their covenants? Are they worthy of a Temple recommend right now? Dating someone who is not worthy of a temple marriage is dangerous because it can lead to marriage outside of the temple.
"don’t trifle away your happiness by involvement with someone who cannot take you worthily to the temple. Make a decision now that this is the place where you will marry."
Ezra Taft Benson
Conclusion
Serving or not serving a mission is not nearly as important as how they view God and their covenants. Marrying the right person is not about marrying someone who has done something, or looks a certain way, or who has money. Marrying the right person is finding someone who you love; who is also worthy and willing to make and keep their covenants!
“the most important single thing that any Latter-day Saint ever does in this world is to marry the right person in the right place by the right authority” ~ Elder Bruce R. McConkie
I FOUND THIS REAL INFORMATIVE. THANK YOU FOR DOING THIS.MY MARD WAS ALSO IN THE MANCHESTER WARD
The worst? Seems like your vying for "shock factor". I rarely comment but couldn't let this slide.
There are many many reasons to marry an RM. They have had to live with multiple people they don't even know. They have to deal with finances. They learn organization. They "usually" have a strong testimony and know lots about the Gospel. They sacrificed their own time and money to teach the Gospel. They know how to work hard.
Of course there is a "small" percentage of RM who are losers.
Of course their are people who didn't go on a mission who are really righteous.
But...there is a "much higher" percentage of an RM having lots of real world experiences that will strengthen the foundation of the marriage and the home.
If you want to take a chance on someone down the street that still lives at their Mom's house that says all these wonderful things to make you believe they are super righteous be my guest.
If you want your life to start off on a firm foundation go on a mission. Girls and boys.
If you want your marriage and family to start off on a firm foundation look for RM's or those who closely resemble the traits of a successful RM.
Most RM's have proved themselves on the battlefield!!!
JR from my experience there are many missionaries who go only so they can be a datable "RM" I think how they are CURRENTLY treating their covenants and how they view the Temple are far better indicators than something they did years ago.
Plus, something to remember, this applies to girls who don't serve missions also.
JR
I never comment either but... my husband did not go on a mission. Instead, he enlisted in the Marine Corps at the age of 17 and left for boot camp as soon as he graduated. He retired after twenty years. He also had to live with complete strangers, had to deal with finances, and dealt with real world experiences. Some that most people can’t imagine. His testimony and faith were tested as he was around people who didn’t understand his beliefs. But most looked up to him. Whenever he got mad they just waited to see if he would swear but her made up other things to say instead. He is an amazing man, a good husband, and a great father. If I only dated returned missionaries I would have missed out on one incredible man and some amazing experiences through the Marine Corps. I have no regrets.
JR, thank you for saying what EVERY reasonable person is thinking! Too many people think that if they can come up with an exception to a rule then the rule is wrong. Marrying a returned missionary is great advice even if there are some exceptions to it.
I never said marrying an RM was bad, I am an RM after all. What I am saying is that it is a bad litmus test.
If I had to choose covenant keeper vs RM as my litmus test. I would pick Covenant keeper every day.
if anything having a partner who served a mission is just a bonus, extra credit, an extra cookie. its not a requirement, and it shouldn't be expected to be a requirement. just because you didn't serve a mission doesn't mean you lack a certain spirituality. this article isn't bashing marrying RMs. just dont limit your options to only RM's it can be heartbreaking, and frustrating. Non RM members have also proven themselves on the battlefield
Who cares if they served a mission or not. What matters is if they are willing to love the lord and keep his commandments. This article was a personal observation on the idea that just because you have the accolade "RM" it does not guarantee anything in your marriage. You are looking for people who uphold the values of your faith and while the majority of them may seem to do so...you should still be aware of those who don't.
Amen!! I'm so tired of all the people trying to discredit valiant behavior. Probably the people who write these articles are the same people who completely change their clothing standards when they're working out or doing sports. And advice is always given but you make your own choices right or wrong . It is never bad advice to marry a return missionary.
I am not trying to discredit service. It is just not a good litmus test. Being currently worthy is far more important than having gone on a mission.
First of all, missionaries don't "deal with finances". They handle their little allowance. And putting appointments in a little book does not mean they have "learn(ed) organization".
You sound like the quintessential 22 year old man in Provo who doesn't know anything about life yet and quite frankly you should be embarrassed.
Let's be nice.
YES, YES, YES! Totally agree!!
I am a convert who joined at 21,and was wisely counseled to not worry about a mission at that point in my life. My then-girlfriend, who had been raised with the "Marry an RM" mantra was having a dilemma when we were dating, seeing me as worthy in all but that one respect. Fortunately, our bishop asked her, "I'm not a returned missionary. Do you think I'm a bad guy?" We were subsequently married in the Temple and our children have all served honorable missions.
So true. I was brought up with Returned Missionary....Returned Missionary...Returned Missionary..... ugh. My dad was an RM and one of the most perverted, abusive narcissistic jerks in the world! But my Mom indoctrinated in the "Returned Missionary" cultural influx. And there were signs all over the place in their short dating and short engagement period that the guy was a loser, but she thought she was doing the right thing because A), her self-esteem was low and he was one of the first guys that paid attention to her and B), he was a returned missionary! And they kept up the "marry a returned missionary" with us kids! The phrase wasn't just "marry in the temple...." it was "marry in the temple to a returned missionary." What if I married civillay to the right guy who just joined the church? Have to be sealed a year later? It's that bad? I didn't ask that question. By the time I was an adult, if that was the situation, they just would have had to deal with it. Now I DID marry an RM, but not because he was an RM. But because he was the right person. I hear about guys who try to meet girls and the girls are nice but then refuse to date him or even stop being nice to them when they find out he didn't serve a mission. That's disgusting. These girls really are shallow and need to think deeper. But yes, good people do serve missions. Bad folks do too. Good people also don't. This whole "RM... RM... RM...." things DRIVES ME CRAZY. Look a little deeper, people. Sure, not all loser RMs are as bad as my dad. I get that. But please, people, think and prayer a little deeper.
@Jill H, my father served a mission. He was also a narcissistic sexual predator and pedophile, and one of the most convincing liars I've ever encountered. He was also charming, generous and talented.
2 of my daughters married returned missionaries. One threw my daughter in the garbage can after less than a year of marriage, against the advice of his bishop and stake president, saying " I deserve to be happy!". The other sexually molested and abused his second child from the age of 5, telling her, "You have been very bad. It's my priesthood duty to punish you!" during the abuse, some of which was perpetrated AT THE CHURCH BUILDING.
Of my father's 15 grandchildren, only 2 have current temple reccommends and most have left church activity. Of the 3 children born to the pedophile son in law, none are really active.
On the other hand, the daughter who married a non RM just sent her only son on a mission. Her non RM husband takes her to the Temple regularly, faithfully serves in church callings, supports her in hers and is a really good person despite huge trials in both of their lives. I guess HE did great, though, because he DID marry an RM.
My son and his wife both married RMs. They are raising 4 amazing kids, have one RM son and are about to send a second on a mission. But neither of them used RM as a requirement for a spouse.
Jeremy is absolutely right. Nothing wrong with marrying an RM. But it's not a great litmus test.
Thank you for this message. I have eight sons and a daughter. None of my boys who are old enough have gone on a mission. My number five is planning to go in June (fingers crossed). Two have been married in the temple, and two aren't active. One of my sons went to BYU-I, and remarked how girls would literally walk away mid sentence when they found out he hadn't gone on a mission. He found a wonderful girl whose parents were a little concerned he wasn't an RM, but allowed her to make her own choice. They got married, and two weeks after his 21st Birthday, he was called to the bishopric. Those shallow girls who wouldn't give him the time of day because of his missionary status missed out on a wonderful man and now a father. I'm glad he found someone who saw past the superficial "rules" set by myopic people. She is an absolutely wonderful wife and mother, and we are very close with her family despite the long distances between us. I couldn't be prouder!
Baptism does not nullify Agency. Ordination to the Priesthood does not nullify Agency. Serving a mission does not nullify Agency. Receiving inspiration that a certain person would make a good marriage partner does not nullify Agency. Marriage covenants taken in the Temple do not nullify Agency. My point is that even after serving a mission or entering into any of the covenants of worthy progression in the Church, any person can still choose to be a jerk! I joined the Church in my 21st year and didn't have the opportunity to serve a mission. Thought I planned on serving, my mission call came from the government in the form of a draft notice. But, even a guy like me can choose to keep the covenants and be faithful. We cannot control the Agency of a spouse, or any other person. We can only control our own Agency. The title of RM, Elder, Bishop, or any other means nothing unless we choose to remain true and faithful, and keep the covenants we have made.
In the 70's when I joined the church at age 19, the Prophet said " Every young man should serve a mission, AND every LDS woman age 21 that was not involved
in a steady dating realm ... should go to your bishops and ask if he thinks you should go on a mission."
People can rationalize all they want with reasons NOT to go on a mission ... but remember why you are on this earth ! to prove to Heavenly Father that you love him and help other people find the gospel so they can qualify to go " back home " after this life. If you fail to go on a mission when you were counseled by your Prophet to go ... you will regret it throughout eternity ... you can rationalize all you want, but in the end when you stand before God and He asks you if you helped any of his children to return to him again... it will be much easier to say " Yes, I helped others go back to you by serving a mission the way the Prophet asked me to do " . Remember we are a church of missionaries called formally or not YOU are able to help people join and return to the church. I much prefer to be able to say to Heavenly Father after this life ... " I helped your children return to you again by serving as a missionary " ...don't be a person that makes excuses ... be a person of action and do what your Prophet has asked you to do !
BTW ... I have served as a missionary six times ( full-time, Stake and ward missions ) ... and now 40 yrs later can still cherish teaching people about the truth of the gospel.
Anyone arguing against serving a mission is not on solid footing.
"If you fail to get married in the temple and endure until the end when you were counseled by your Prophet.....you will regret it throughout eternity." You had a small typo, but no worries, I got your back, fam.
I'm taking a few minutes to wrap my head around this "you will regret it throughout eternity". Does this regret start before or after Zion? I can assure you, Alma the younger preaching and turning people away from the Lord was much worse than not serving a mission, yet he was translated. Amazing how the Lord's grace works.
It is not how you start, good brother, it's how you finish. I believe Matthew dedicated chapter 20 to this.
Good talk, Brother Mabry. Time to run. There is a certain Elder Holland GC talk calling my name!!
I hope your next article addresses "The most dangerous quote Mormons live by" the very same Bruce R. McConkie "Marry the right person..." quote you included in your post. Now, I love President McConkie, he was a spiritual giant, but for young girls already under pressure to marry, this is very dangerous. Young women in the church are repeatedly told that they have no worth or value until they marry. As the lack of worthy priesthood holders (be they RM or not) dries up in their college singles ward dating pools this quote starts to make single women of a certain age wince every time they hear it. It is very frustrating when single guys in the church put off dating and complain about the women's lack of initiating the first dates.
Young Women are not told that they are worthless until they are married! That is just wrong and if anyone tells any YW that, they are in grave error.
And this is not just a "Bruce R. McConkie" quote, this was repeated by multiple prophets as well.
Young Women are not told that they are worthless until they are married! That is just wrong and if anyone tells any YW that they are in grave error. And this is not just a "Bruce R. McConkie" quote, this was repeated by multiple prophets as well.
Actually, yes they are. They may not be told that exactly, but it's implied. I'm single and I feel worthless because I grew up with the notion I'm not really anything until I'm married. I agree with the article. Being an RM is important, but those other qualities are more important.
No, they are not Sheri. And if they are those leaders are WRONG. Never has the leadership of the Church said or inferred that.
Some women might be made to feel they are excluded from the a 'family' orientated church by members and wards, but the church has not come out and said that they 'have no worth or value until they marry.'
"...marry the right person, in the right place, with the right authority" by Elder McConkie was also backed up by President Hinckley: "Marry the right person in the right place at the right time." And he said that while he was the prophet. So we know both these sayings are true and of the Lord.
But they do not only apply to the ladies, so please don't feel isolated and pressured. Because these words also apply to the guys. And from what you stated, at least a few of the guys in your area seem to be frightened of responsibility and commitment.
I have no fear of responsibility and commitment. I have asked many...many...many out on dates. And truth be told, I have dated many. A few of the ladies in my area...if my other comment is posted, do not view me as marriage material because a racist bishop refused to send in my papers. He didn't like Lamanites.
Personal specific trials to make both of us work harder, it seems.
I believe it will make us more grateful when these goals are achieved, and we will have the humble awe and thankfulness for our "right person married in the right place at the right time by the right authority".
The key words in the quote are "right person." That doesn't mean marry for the sake of getting married, even if it's in the temple. If someone can't find the right person in this life, and they've done all they can, they'll find them in the next.
After conducting my own comparative religion study and praying, I walked up to two sister missionaries outside the local chapel and asked them how I could go about being baptized, a baptism which occurred three days later.
I attended all wards in that chapel. I devoured the contents of the library. I learned to use the priesthood in service. I read for twenty minutes a day from each of the standard works. When the highway sign said to slow to 45, I slowed to 45. My non-member family was fully supportive of my plans to go on a mission. I did my own home teaching and helped others with theirs. I was working and saving money and some members even offered to pay for my mission.
A racist bishop told me that he would not send papers in for me. He didn't like Lamanites. Shortly after, the stake president called me into a branch presidency. Worthiness was not an issue.
But socially, I became a pariah. I went to dances, and sometimes I was refused the entire evening. Everybody sang the song of only marry a returned missionary. More than one of those ladies later told me that they wished they had chosen more wisely in their eternal companions.
But while inaccurately assessing my spirituality, they inadvertently weakened their own.
While at BYU, some guys who never read past "I Nephi having been born of goodly parents" were declared heroes for their returned missionary status.
It all requires a sobering closer look.
I went on a mission and married an RM in the temple. After a tumultuous 15 years of marriage he left me and 4 kids. He was addicted to pornography. He had been arrested for shoplifting. We had known each other for 4 years before we were married. I didn't think I could do better, and after all, how could I go wrong since I was marrying an RM???? fast-forward....He returned after 27 years (excommunicated) and his kids want nothing to do with him. He never paid child support or cared about them, and now he tries to guilt-trip them into taking care of him. I've been married to a nice man now for 15 years (not an RM) who loves me, my kids, and my grandkids. We work well together; he's temple worthy. Marrying an RM guarantees nothing!
Missions are wonderful, character-building experiences when done well, but I would never tell my daughter that she should look only at RMs. I tell her that she must pray and fast about her decision, that she must take a very good look at his character -- does he treat his family well? is he kind to people who are not as capable as he is? does he work hard and is he motivated? does he love God? is he temple-worthy? Unfortunately, I have seen FAR too many women my age whose RM husbands have been duds, pure and simple, in so many ways. I'd honestly rather see my daughter marry a truly good non-member than an RM who feels that his greatest spiritual moment is behind him (not that I'm telling her that, because I don't want her to have to make that choice).
Also, any woman who has been made to feel like she has nothing to offer because she isn't married either a) has terrible self-esteem, b) has had some terrible parenting, or c) has had terrible leaders. Let's be clear, the Church is not an outside agent acting upon us: WE are the Church. We are. Every member is the Church. Some of us administrate the Church in different seasons of our lives, but we all contribute, and we all serve under the direction of the Lord, who speaks to us personally through His Spirit, and collectively through our prophets. What's cool is that we can have the Spirit speak to us confirming the words of the prophets.
Anyway. My rant is over.
Hello Elizabeth!
I joined the Church when I was eighteen, and I was very eager to "catch up" on the spiritual progression I had missed by not having the opportunity of growing up in the Church. I read all of the Sunday lessons (including the teacher's manuals) for Sunday School and priesthood and all of the associated scriptures. And not only the General Authority quotes, but the original talks the quotes sprung from as well. I read the Book of Mormon through, the Doctrine and Covenants through. The Pearl of Great Price was easy. Then I was tackling the Old and New Testament. I learned to use the priesthood by praying for opportunities to do so. I happily anticipated growing older and growing in experience and increasing my capacity to serve.
So I was quite puzzled when I started hearing returned missionaries state that their missions were not only the best two years of their lives but their most spiritual.
I rolled my eyes and said that it was a good thing President Hinckley didn't think like that. It was their turn to look puzzled. I reminded them that this is the gospel of Eternal Progression, which means that if you stop progressing when you are 19 and 20...then obviously you are doing it wrong.
So yes, Elizabeth...I agree with you on that point. The best should be yet to come.
But any confusion any priesthood holder has on that point should be relatively easy to rectify.
Nothing involved in marrying a non-member is easy to rectify.
The Second Corinthians scripture about being unequally yoked is no joke. The member will be pulling one direction and the non-member will either be pulling in the wrong direction or just digging in their heels to stop the member's progress in the direction the member wants and needs to go. Not being of "one heart" is a situation rife with resentments and heartache and sorrow and contention and anger and frustration and sadness and despair and eventual hopelessness.
Much like marrying an unfaithful RM priesthood holder.
Thus the solution would be for your daughter to marry a faithful, diligent priesthood holder with a passion for serving and progressing who is full of love (especially for God), and has the goal of getting your daughter (and your daughter getting him) and their eventual children to Celestial Glory. Together.
I really have to disagree with your assessment of marriage to a non-member. I went into greater detail on this with my own comment, but in my marriage to a non-member (a marriage I was actually led to BY GOD) there has been no resentment or contention or despair or heartache or hopelessness as you describe. We strengthen each other constantly. We have grown together in remarkable ways. He encourages me in my church duties, has even suggested temple days. He has taken me to Temple Square at Christmas, he has invited the missionaries to pray for us in times of trouble, he engages with our home teachers. He makes sure I go to church and keep my covenants. There has never been a pulling in opposite directions as you say. He has never dug his heels in on matters with regard to gospel principles, and has even defended the church's position on things to other people. We have our disagreements from time to time, but no more than any other marriage and far, far less than some (certainly far less than my previous marriage -- to a member). So please don't paint all mixed-faith marriages with the same brush. I know many people of strong interfaith marriages.
And a grand good morning to you Laura!
I see what you are saying, and especially your declaration that you were led by to your husband by God, I do stand...uh...sit...corrected.
You, of course remember the story of Caleb. He was part of a search party sent into the promised land and to return and report. The majority of the search party gave a very discouraging report on the promised land and its inhabitants. It was a land flowing with milk and honey, to be sure, but that the cities were walled and formidable and that the people, the “sons of Anak,” looked like giants. The Israelite scouts said that they felt like grasshoppers in comparison. Caleb, if you recall, saw things differently, with what the Lord called “another spirit.” He said, “Let us go up at once, and possess [their land]; for we are well able to overcome it” (Num. 13:30).
President Kimball said of this: "But the faint-hearted Israelites, remembering the security of their Egyptian slavery and lacking faith in God, rejected Caleb and Joshua and sought even to stone them to death.
Because of their lack of faith, the children of Israel were required to spend the next forty years wandering about and eating the dust of the desert, when they might have feasted on milk and honey."
That is not you, Laura.
40 years later, as President Kimball described it, the Anakims, the giants, were still inhabiting the promised land, and they had to be overcome. Said Caleb, now at 85 years, “Give me this mountain” (Josh. 14:12).
Give me this challenge.
That IS you Laura.
Nephi's mission in life included killing Laban, who had tried to kill he and his brothers.
None of the rest of us are Nephi.
And Nephi never went about proclaiming that others should do as he did.
And in that light, not everybody will be blessed in a mixed or interfaith marriage.
None of the rest of us are you. So it probably won't work out well for others.
I have been in relationships where one is stronger and one is weaker. As the saying goes been there, done that, bought the t-shirt...and the ball-cap...and the fridge magnets.
Being equally yoked also refers to being married to someone who is my spiritual equal....otherwise it is like swimming the same river as everybody else, but with a piano tied to both our waists, and I am the one doing most of the work.
I have my own mountains. But, my mountains look a lot different than yours.
Please recognize that your mountain may just spiritually kill others who try to scale it. Just like none of the rest of us are Nephi, none of the rest of us are Laura either.
This is a topic that has been on my mind for the past several years. Nine years ago, I got my mission call and instead of going, i got married. I thought it was the right thing to do at the time, and in a way, it was. He was a returned missionary and had been off for a few years by then. But my family and I didn't see the red flags before we got sealed, or we shrugged them off. We thought he was good for me. It wasn't until after we got married, that I began to notice how far away from the Lord he was at the time. Our marriage didn't last long. We were signing divorce papers just several months after the sealing. I knew he wasn't happy, and while I tried to make it work, in the end, it was the right thing for me to let him go. It could have affected my relationship with God had the divorce not happened when it did. He had already stopped attending church by then. Three years later, I remarried. This time it was not to an RM and was not in the temple right away. We did get sealed a year and a half later after I got my sealing cancelled. We have been married for almost five years. We have two kids and our marriage continues to get stronger and our faith in the Lord never wavers. I didn't go on my mission. My husband was inactive for a little while and wasn't doing everything he was supposed to before we met, so he didn't go on a mission. But when we met, he was active and had a strong testimony in the gospel. We were both doing what we were supposed to be doing. We were both faithful and we continue to be. We go to the temple when we have the chance, we do our home and visiting teaching, and we are active in our callings. We didn't serve full time missions, but we don't have to to be missionaries. My mother always told me that I was born to be a missionary, but that doesn't mean I had to serve a full time mission. I have always been a missionary regardless of my mission status. My thought is that as long as you marry someone worthy and who is faithful and lives the gospel, it doesn't matter whether either of you served missions. You are already one.
Here's the problem: "Temple Recommend Holder" isn't a perfect litmus test, either. I was married to a man in the temple who was completely unworthy of it. He ended up being highly emotionally abusive and even sexually abusive. I have known other women who married in the temple only to later discover that their husbands were abusive, or drug-users, or cheaters. People can lie in their recommend interviews. It happens all the time. The Lord promises that those who faithfully keep their temple covenants will achieve Celestial glory -- and sometimes, that means even without their spouse. The Lord would never deny me entrance into His kingdom simply because my spouse ended up being completely unworthy of it.
And honestly, some of the best, strongest marriages I have come to know recently were interfaith marriages. Now, don't get me wrong, I understand the virtues of advice given by church leaders with regard to marrying in the temple. And I'm CERTAINLY not knocking it. But it is also not appropriate to use that in order to shame or guilt or look down on those who do not have temple marriages within the church. I know people who married in the temple whose spouses are now no longer even members. Will that deny them the promised blessings? Absolutely not. One of THE MOST amazing members of the church I have ever known in my life married a non-member. (Granted, he DID later decide to join the church and has since become an incredible member himself, but she had no way of knowing that prior to marrying him, and didn't assume it would happen.)
My second marriage is to a man who, while still "technically" a member or record, no longer considers himself a member of the church. I was guided BY THE LORD to continue a relationship with this man. I conferred with my own local leaders (my bishop and stake president) as well as being prayerful and even taking my questions about my relationship to the temple. All of this was done with the full support of my husband beforehand. He respects my beliefs even if he isn't exactly certain of them all himself. In putting together my own list of qualifications I needed in a future spouse after my divorce, I naturally included "temple worthy" on my list. I was actually instructed by God -- in a very forceful prompting by the Spirit -- that I needed to remove that from my list. I met my husband a few months later.
I do not believe that God would lead me to a non-member for no reason. I am still just as worthy personally to enter the temple as ever, and I do not believe God would guide me to, and through, this marriage if He did not think it was right that I should be in it. He would never purposely lead me to something that would ultimately hinder my eternal progression. He would never approve a marriage of a worthy daughter of God if He didn't know that there was at least the potential for an eternal Celestial union, even if it doesn't happen in this life. (And I do at least have the assurance of my husband that if he meets God in the next life and learns I was right, that he will gladly repent and accept that as truth, and has given permission to have temple work performed for us in the event of his death.)
All I'm saying is, it's not okay to look down on those who are not initially married in the temple. Sometimes God leads us to things that don't fit the typical mold. But no one gets to tell me that my marriage is "lesser" when God Himself guided me here. He wouldn't do so without good reason.
I'm a return missionary and to be honest, I'm probably the most righteous guy around.
Sorry to be a kill joy folks!
I was a convert who married in the temple to a man who was 'temple worthy'. sorry but that was total hell..people can always keep up appearances to get a temple recommend. He didn't want a wife he wanted the idea of a wife. I wanted to leave after a month. You never really know someone until you live with them.
Are there any worthy Priesthood holder, who could not serve a mission other than TERMINALLY ILL ? If anyone believes that their all worthy and qualified to even get a Temple Recommend, Why can’t they serve a mission. Scholarship could wait.. Education could wait.. other opportunities could wait, yes even a Temple Marriage could wait, But All Worthy Men should serve a Mission. I was once sick before l went on my mission, yet l was never more well than during my mission. So therefore, what reason you wont date an RM.
I was not saying don't date RM's. I am an RM. I was saying that when we say only date RM's too often people think that being an RM makes them a good worthy guy/girl.
Physical health and mental health could be barriers to service. I wanted to serve a mission, but I didn't have the finances, and my little home branch had 3 elders serving, all who needed financial assistance. So I didn't go. Mandatory military service in other countries could be a barrier; that's why Pres. Monson never went. Never judge why someone never went. It's not your place, and the decision to serve is between that person and God. You're not in the mix. That also goes for those who come home early.
There are lots of reasons for not going other than a young man being terminally ill. They may have just lost a family member and want to stay and support the rest of the family. They may be gay and not want the added stress and possible temptation. They may not meet height and weight requirements. They may deal with crippling depression, anxiety, or other mental burdens they would rather not have. They may feel it puts too great a strain on family relationships. They may not have support from parents, whether emotionally, spiritually, or financially. I’m grateful you were able to serve, and it was clearly a good experience for you, but not everyone has that same circumstantial blessing.
I have been married to the most wonderful man for 51 years. He didn’t serve a mission, even though he grew up in “Zion” . When he was of age to serve, it was during the Vietnam war. The Church said that only 2 young me could be called per Ward per year. And missions reduced to 18 months.He was attending a university and going to a home Ward, not a student ward. They’re going to call the young men who had grown up in that Ward.Both of his parents were inactive and so he had no one to support him . What Bishop would even think of him at all, to encourage him to even think about a mission? Well, no one did. We married in the Salt Lake Temple at age 19. We have always had a recommend. We have always been active. He is a High Priest. He is one of the most Christlike men I know. Truly a gentle man, with great strength.
I thought this was a very thought provoking article. I didn't get the feeling that the intent was to discourage people from marrying RMs so much as encouraging people to include many facets of a person's personal character.
I did serve a mission - I'm not perfect, but I honestly strive to live as I should. It took me 20 years from the time I got home from my mission to find the right person for me. I didn't attend any of the BYUs - they didn't offer the degree I was seeking. But I attended institute and was in many leadership positions with the institute and also in my ward and stake. Most of the girls headed for BYU (primarily, I felt) to get married. The girl I found also did not go to BYU.
Since returning from my mission, I have encouraged other missionaries - on their way home, or recently returning home, to avoid the phrase "My mission was the best 2 years of my life". I would tell them, that if well after 2 years you still feel that way, you're not doing it right. Sure, my mission was important, but I have had greater spiritual experiences since then as I have continued to try and live the gospel.
RM is a great box to check off --- but its just one of the many. I guess I would say, look for someone who is actively and continually checking off many boxes of gospel living. If RM is one of them, great, but if not then don't disqualify him or her.
I am convinced serving a mission is a very good choice for most although four of my five sons are returned missionaries did marry in the temple as did I. Son number two opted out for the military and met the girl he was to assist in joining the church. They are also now married in the temple and their daughter is serving a mission as I write. Life though is not perfect and sometimes issues when being a child play a huge part in a relationship survival. One really never knows all the issues or childhood experiences of a possible spouse and in most cases molestation depending on the severity is nearly insurmountable. Two of my 5 sons divorced, one of the girls did have severe issues as did the boys mother, thus I the father also experienced the same happening in life. All of us have remarried one son assisted in the conversion of the church and married her and the other found a wonderful bride on a church based on line dating forum. My daughter married a man whom I hold in high esteem. One of the sons after remarrying did leave the church. As odd as this is going to read his former wife went polygamy in Arizona.
Am convinced no one is 100% right or wrong in a relationships, husband or wife. Have remarried but married a woman who sincerely likes me and the most righteous Catholic going to mass woman I have ever known. A breath of fresh air everyday. My hope is in time she will join the church.
The truth and only the truth
I think, honestly, it’s sad that this article had to be written at all. Missions teach you a lot, and can be really valuable to your life both during and after your service. They allow you to serve in ways and with an intensity that may never come again.
That said, missions are not right for everyone. People of both sexes get to choose whether they go or not. And if they choose not to, they can still be good wives, husbands, mothers, fathers, and continuing disciples of Christ. They can gain Christlike attributes that strengthen their souls. They can receive all our Heavenly Father has in store for His children.
This article says that not all men are ABLE to serve, but the truth is, some may simply choose not to. That makes them no less worthy of God’s love. Period. A mission is challenging for lots more reasons than just the obedience required. I truly believe that not everyone’s life is enriched by serving a mission. For some, it may be recalled with bitter or hard memories, of rough areas where they felt helpless, overwhelming homesickness, depression, anxiety, or guilt. They may not have supportive companions or mission presidents. One elder from my mission drank with a guy I had taught who had just received the Priesthood. The new convert looked up to the missionaries, and was deeply influenced by their choices. So the elder, who obviously went home after that, did more damage than good by being out. Not all cases are that extreme, but some people should either delay going or responsibly choose not to go at all. Also, not everyone can leave the financial burden in someone else’s hands for upwards of a year and a half. I feel like this article states the obvious, but in a way that, ironically, still manages to condescend to those who don’t serve, whether by choice or by circumstance. Better luck on your next article.
I was a sister missionary many years ago in The Georgia Atlanta mission. During my final interview with my mission Pres. before going home, he told me to not marry anyone that did not go on a mission. I thought at the time that that was awful advice. I knew missionaries who were awful. Most were great, but this should never be a thought in someone's mind when dating. Like a previous reply, it's a bonus, to marry an RM, if you get a good one. Just my opinion.
I joined the church when I was 17 and was taught from the beginning that I should only marry an RM. I went on a mission myself. At the age of 32, I married my RM. I met him at a temple event. He was in my ward and I heard him bear sincere testimony. He was a faithful home teacher and priesthood holder. Now, he has been excommunicated from the church for his porn/sex addiction and I am trying to get out of this 30+ year nightmare of a temple marriage. I will never marry again. My plan is to spend the rest of my days in the service of the Lord and trust Him to take care of my eternity. I am the RM. I don't need to be married to one.
The "deal" with the advice to marry an RM is that YM are COMMANDED to serve a mission. That they should be PREPARED and WILLING to serve. Now, no one comes and drags anyone out of their house and "makes them". And I too, know there are many that should never have been passed off on the missionary interview and allowed to serve.
I also agree, that in and of itself, being an RM is NOT the be all, end all. ESPECIALLY when they are over 27 and no longer allowed to serve.
But at the end of the day, if a young woman is looking to marry a FAITHFUL young man, looking to marry someone that chose to server should be at the top of the list, unless there were GOOD reasons (like being drafted - and I don't mean into the NFL! Or a disability that doesn't allow them to serve). If they're unwilling to serve a mission, how "faithful" are they really? After all it IS a commandment and they're choosing to ignore it. AFTER that box is checked off, what else is he? Is he kind - does he treat people that are "supposed to serve him" well, or does he act superior? Does that person use good language? How does he treat his family. What does his family say about him (and if it's Oh, good, maybe you can do something with him; RUN the other way as quickly as you can. It's a HUGE red flag!) Make sure you ask about whether or not he's been married (and how many times all together - annulments count - red flag on that one) and HOW MANY KIDS he has fathered, in total (another red flag - hiding marriages and kids). How patient is he? And other such questions.
Having said this, it should not be the SOLE reason they marry one. The best way to have a FAILED marriage is to run into one. Date a few times, get engaged and then marry in 6 months-a year is a pretty good indicator that there's going to be SEVERE problems. You do NOT know that person well, it takes TIME to get to know someone. It takes not getting physically involved with someone - including kissing, for a period of time. Why? because physical involvement, even if "just kissing" releases hormones that start the "bonding" process. It makes you think that you're in love - but what you are really in love with is your dreams and hopes of who this person is. And sometimes we start feeling desperate and will want to cling to someone - to "Make" it work.
We need to really know someone. Not a movie and a meal type date, but working on projects together, talking (beware, talking is cheap and abusive people KNOW what you want to hear and say it so they can marry you before they figure out you're not what you seem).
Even when we're older, we need to make sure we're not rushing into a relationship. Abusive people can be very persuasive. They make themselves seem like they are the most religious people, even their Bishops/Branch PRes will give them a good recommendation, especially if they're new members. This is how I got into an abusive marriage. Didn't know him long enough to get engaged, he was a new member, but in 6 months was ordained an Elder. He was a very faithful Mission Leader and Home Teacher. What many people don't know is that someone who is controlling and abusive will be great for about 6 months to a year. But around the 6 month they begin to get tired of the act and things start to slip - unless they have a reason to "keep it together - waiting to be married in the temple was the thing that held my now ex together. BUT, on the way home from the temple, everything changed! He's "true self" came out and it was NOT pretty. Branch Pres apologized profusely for his recommendation of this young man as HE was shocked at how I was treated in my marriage. At the time of marriage, he was 27 and I was 34. "Old enough to know people". But I got played.
Go online (males and females alike) and download 17 signs of an abusive or controlling personality. Read it and then USE it when dating someone! If I had know of these things, I NEVER would have married the guy I did!
Bottom line, we need to quit running into marriage. We need to and take our time to know a person before we start kissing them, before we agree to marry them and before we do marry them. This is why in days of old, people dated for a few years, were engaged for a year or two and then got married - and yes, most of them were chaste and pure when they married. But, we want it NOW and then pay for it later. Pay we do and so do our children.
I just encanter one RM and he broke me, thank God we have not done our wedding,it just few weeks to the wedding,I saw the real human,he doesn't love the temple and doesn't have current temple recommend,I try asking him to renew it,he would not listen and anytime I ask him about our temple marriage,he doesn't have interest.even as he recommends expired years ago,he still buys garments and he is sold too.thank God I didn't make this mistake.
This is very wonderful . It makes everything clear.
Why??? "It is totally an unrealistic requirement to think that a girl needs to serve a mission."
I love this
Boy this can become a heated topic in a hurry. We all have horror stories that can run in either direction.
What I have noted is more often than not -- having made the best decision we could - based on "research" and prayer and choosing an eternal companion, again, there are no guarantees. And the worst horror story of all is what happens to those who discover a problem later on.
We need to remember that our marital covenants form a triangle - between ourself, our mate and the Lord. Sometimes our chosen; prayed about mate drops out for one reason or another, and sometimes they don't come back -- but the majority of the triangle is still in tact and will remain valid as long as the other leg of the triangle doesn't drop out (me).
I worry about those who marry with the hope that they can later - "trade up". Young men or young women who are convinced that they can marry someone who isn't temple worthy and later they will be (they'll get their act together, join the church, etc.) Do our best now to, as Elder McConkie stated - marry the right person at the right time and by the right authority and then strive to become even better.
I got engaged at BYU to a returned missionary. My father wasn't active and my parents weren't married in the temple, so that was my commitment-temple marriage. About a month before our wedding date, he said: "Let's wait and just get married civilly. The temple is a big commitment. And neither set of parents could attend because they were not sealed in the temple." I harked back to a YW lesson about temple marriage. When I heard it, I made a vow that the temple would be the only place I would get married. So I told him-no deal and gave him his ring back.
Then a couple of years later, I found my forever spouse. I'm now a widow, but know I will be with him again.
Someone should enlighten certain BYUI professors. They are actually still teaching young women in 2021 to only date and marry RMs and that if they find out they aren’t a RM, they can dump them on the spot. Yes a mission is good, and teaches and prepares you for life in a lot of ways, but it in no way determines your worth, or ability to love and be loved. Ugh! So wrong!
great insight and words. By the way, I also served in New England on my Mission
I did not like your title. Why do you sensationalize aspects i of Mormonism? I’m sure there is a way to positive spin on the subject. I resent the negativity.
I am not trying to sensationalize the gospel, I am merely pointing out that this advice is very very dangerous and bad and I've seen many people follow it and suffer.
I had a wise Bishop 32 years ago who said exactly this. It only matters that you spouse to be, us worthy to take you to the temple. Since then I have given the sane advice in all my seminary and youth classes.
This is a perfect example of how LDS culture all too often replaces the gospel of Jesus Christ and the covenant path. It stems from laziness, prioritizing comfort over truth and relying on shortcuts. Such people usually look for checklists and rules to save them and their families. the truth is that Jesus Christ is the only source who can save and that relationship can not be faked or pretended. it's deep and personal with lasting, life-altered marks on the heart of those who put in the effort for that relationship and communications channel. no program, culture, or list can replace that. Relying on culture and checklists was the mistake the Jews of old Jerusalem made. Look where that led...
When I was 18 I left the church. I would marry a Mormon girl but I wouldn't want to have a temple marriage because my two half sisters are not members and I don't want to exclude them from anything. Plenty of good people who are ex-LDS or not even religious.
We are not looking merely for "good people" to marry. Because, as you said, there are plenty of good people. We are seeking to live the celestial law, to choose the best part over over simply the 'good.'
I'm guessing the author didn't serve a mission?
Did you read what I wrote? I served from 2012-2014 in the NHMM. This is not discouraging missions, this is teaching this truth:
"be careful not to base your judgments merely on what could be described as superficial 'ticket punching.' By that, I mean do not base your decisions solely on whether someone has served a full-time mission or holds a particular calling in your ward. These things can be, should be, and usually are indications of devotion, faithfulness, and integrity. But not always. That is the reason you need to get acquainted. Know someone well enough to learn his or her heart and character firsthand and not just his or her 'gospel résumé.'"
Elder Lance B. Wickman
Ensign, Apr. 2010
You are partially correct. Not all missionaries are good and some good men can't go on a mission. The part you forgot is that there are a lot of good men out there that have left the church and are great husbands and fathers! Of coarse there is no mention of this. The only good husbands and fathers are members, right?
No, there are many good men who have never heard of the Church. But one who leaves the Church forsakes the concept of eternal families, and all their covenants. Can one be a good husband if they forsake the covenants they entered into?